Fight n Fright Night

Hey kids, happy halloween!

i've spent the weekend after exams and the first few weekdays too playing fight night, the boxing game on PS2. Great game, keeps me sane beating the crap out of some animated pixels. i'm convinced what my Heep says of me is true: i'm good at all video/computer games because i'm asian. woot! Asians 1 angmoh 0

so its halloween tonight and i'm going to see the parade, check out ppls costumes and things like that. too bad i don't have a good camera so there might not be good pictures posted up here like last year...

so then everything's been good this week so far, looking forward to november!

14 hours.

my last midterm will commence in 14 hours. i have struggled for 13 days not to game, and to channel those energies into books. granted, i have been more hardworking than my roommates expected, and yes i actually did not game for this period of time. not even minesweeper or freecell. i certainly hope i dont go into a game binging session.

happy belated birthdays to alot of people that i didn't announce, like siyi and suli and meiyi and jan and joanna and chung and de rui that i didn't announce. i guess things like this slip my mind and i suppose they won't be too upset that i didn't mention it in the first place, i'm sure they enjoyed theirs. oh and happy birthday drew (even though no-one he knows will read this) and huishan too. and if i left your name out, i'm sorry. exam pressures warp the logical though process of my brain. then again living does that. forgive me sincerely.

its true. i always go on a blogging spree when i'm stressed. last paper tomorrow and i should be happy of sorts, but i'm kinda stuck as to committing my time to just acing the damn exam. it pushes me and pisses me off and my natural instinct is just to fight back and kick it away. its funny how sometimes the best way to neutralise a threat is to take the brunt of it head on, instead of trying to avoid it. like the Titanic and the iceberg. i must be more gung-ho.

okok. wasted enough time here. see you later alligator

Light a million candles

Stop child porn. go visit www.lightamillioncandles.com and light a candle online. its free and it's a show of support. you don't even need to leave your details if you don't want to. light your candle and end child abuse.


in other news, i got a haircut and estelle rebonded her hair.

in other other news, i have one more midterm on thursday which i don't quite know anything about. well actually i do but i like to pretend i don't.

in other other other news, i think i'm going crazy without gaming.

alive!

i'm alive, alive!

no i'm not frankenstein.

i just survived a double horror, you know the one midterm at 8am and the other at 930am. damn drama i tell you. last night never sleep. eyes tired, tried to rest 5 min, ended up resting 35 min cos nick was supposed to wake me up in 5 min but he went to do laundry. no problem though, i felt much better cos i had music playing and i was counting the songs... next one.. next one... next one... next one... eh abit long... wake up... and the sun actually rose while i closed my eyes. nevertheless, i got my stuff, took a shower, dressed smart (as i always do when i go take exam) and went off to class.

ERROR #1

Went to the wrong building. i'd been missing the normal recitation and skipping the lecture for another class to attend the recitations i missed, i went to a building i only visited last sem. felt something was wrong, check fone. wrong room. Panic. luckily pia until reach the correct building the teacher not there yet. write essay write until hand pain. today cold day, finger cramp until elbow.


ERROR #2

I was reaching the 930 midterm venue when i realised: siao liao. no calculator! die! i had lent it to Nick for his midterm and i forgot to ask him to return it when he came back earlier in the morning. nevermind. call Nick. Nick at home, will walk down with calculator, but the venue and dorm quite far. call Ruoxi. she late but already downstairs, no extra. nevermind. go nyu computer store. closed. go nyu bookstore. closed. wah nnb damn sway. i panic. go to photocopying shop ask to borrow calculator. they only had one which needed to plug in for electricity, and then will print receipt. liao. nevermind. late then late. i run to Staples and get my cheap $5 calculator. run to class, see Ruoxi in the taxi pulling up beside the building. ok not too bad. message Nick not to come anymore. realise that we were 5 minutes late, and there was only an hour. nevermind. i have everything i need.


ERROR #3
So i see the questions, ah can do, can do. ah that one appear in homework, ah can do, can do. so having torn open the calculator package while running to school, i made sure to keep the receipt and packaging. lucky i did, because the m*th*rfj#$% spoiled right in front of my eyes when i tried to use it. i thought. siao liao. today really not fated to calculate anything. i slammed the calculator on the floor with frustration. all that hassle + $5.41 and it blardy fails on me!? lucky i still know my math. can do. i finish the exam as the ta announces "pens down".


all that without real sleep the night before. can tahan or not? return of Robokin! with glitches of course, batteries sold separately!



it feels great to be alive.

2 hours to d-day h-hour

Yes. its 6am and i'm still awake looking at this computer screen. the why is answered by my insanity. nope, i'm not just going crazy for no reason. it's just that i feel the need to stay awake to brush up my points of intellectual knowledge in the realms of words (Woolf) and poverty & income distribution (Wolff).

2 midterms, one after the other
one starting at 8 and the other not long after
my ordeal ends at 11 for this day alone
by my last midterm i shall have become stone

even my poems suck now. gosh. i'm feeling paranoid now and i don't know if red bull is the solution. i figured since i frequently miss the 8am call, i would fare better not sleeping and getting to the exam venue WAY before time, with red bull in my veins and the 2 lycans in my synapses. however it's been awhile since i last pulled an all-nighter, and i can only be thankful that i spend a significant amount of this weekend sleeping in preparation for this moment.

what happened to robo-kin? i didn't have to sleep much before, seems like my batteries are getting old. or it could be that i hardly exercise nowadays (exercising judgement doesn't quite make the cut) and my muscles are giving up on my young, haggard body. or maybe i just haven't been drinking as much coffee as i used to: yes, i drank because i needed to. no, coffee isn't bad for you. its a tradeoff for accomplishing more in your hours awake, against the "shortcomings" of extensive caffeine addiction (which i have not quite suffered). coffee made me beautiful (see one of my entries last year about coffee) then, and i have given up on makeup. hope this desperate makeover saves my ass today. up till 11am at least.

too frail, this human body is. we plow our bodies through the harshest of trials and tribulations. alcohol and smoke and pollution and sleepless nights and insane tests of muscular fortitude and endurance. and we fail to realise that when the growing slows down as it does in every ageing post-teen adolescent, we atone for the sins we commit on this old body.

tell me i'm not cranky, tell me i'm not insane
it's just an electrical fault in my cell membrane
my brain is wired tight
my eyes are losing sight
my fingers are trembling too
i never thought i'd look like you
and so the exams beckon
i'll do fine i reckon

or so i hope.

Confudging.

Well i have 2 midterms in less than 16 hours and i can't say im very prepared for them. I guess i might have burnt out some doing the last few. sigh. what to do, what to do. except get it on.

the good news is i discovered an online site where you can get lots of tv shows streamed to your computer.

click here.

Then again, thats bad news for me. but ever since i quit gaming (almost entirely now) i've found more time to do other things. somehow gym is still not one of them. i'm not fat yet though. and i definitely am spending more time on studying.

damn i should start already.

spam a midterm

I watched spamalot just now with karol, it was fantabulous. really took my mind off midterms for awhile, and considering i've been studying for it since the weekend (i dont even remember putting in that much effort for any subject for last sems finals), i think i should do ok. besides, having quit gaming for a total of 6 days, i think this was justified.

i've been thinking alot lately (thus the multi posts in a short time) and i was talking to horace just now, whos been trying to start a web-based biz. he's got 2 sites:

GuyTalks
ECommerceDay

And i got thinking about my biz again. why i started doing it and why i still want to do it. i guess the lack of correspondence from the mentors' mentors is really discouraging, and i guess maybe this extra time i have now should be put into studying first, and maybe then just the summers for biz. but it really seems silly to wait. I guess doing my homework should still be my first priority.

i've got books to read that remain unread. i seem to have lost the drive to read more since i got more involved in my subjects (wtf), and in fact i've found some textbooks i just bought (the course recommended ones) useless. waste my money and time damnit.

so much to say, so little action. shit man.

so my IM midterm looms in 10.5 hours time, and i guess some revision tml morn will be healthy. so i should sleep early as planned.

good night then,

I am not dead yet. (la la la la la la i am not dead yet la la la la la la la)

Free Hugs

I was blogsurfing abit to ease into my revision for Intermediate Macro what with the midterm on thursday, and then i peeped at Vivian's blog for a while and guess what: I saw this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4&eurl=

Just thought that it was great how one man's need for hugs spawned a reaction in the YouTube community, spreading from Sydney to even Tel Aviv. I mean hey if some dude in Tel Aviv can do that, I wonder what it would be like in Singapore... But i guess i'll agree with Vivian here that everyone will just stare at the fella and then ignore him or call the police or something if they can even be bothered to do so, then later Mr Brown will do some podcast on the furor that will create, and... Well you know Singapore la.

So here's a hug for anyone reading this, if you want one. You're free to politely decline of course. Family members have no option. Take it. *BEEG HUGZ*

And from a card (still) in my wallet:

I Like Hugs

It's wondrous what a hug can do,
A hug can cheer you when you're blue.
A hug can say, 'I love you so'...
Or, 'I hate to see you go'.
A hug is 'Welcome back again!'
And 'Great to see you!' or 'Where've you ben?'
A hug can soothe a small child's pain,
And bring a rainbow after rain.
The hug! There's just no double about it,
We scarcely could survive without it.
A hug delights and warms and charms.
It must be why God gave us arms.

and on the back:

Hugs are great for fathers and mothers,
Sweet for sisters, even for brothers.
And chances are, some favourite aunts
Love them more than potted plants.
Kittens crave them. Puppies love them.
Heads of state are not above them.
A hug can break the language barrier.
And make the dullest day seem merrier.
No need to fret about the store of 'em:
The more you give
The more there are of 'em.
So stretch those arms without delay
And give someone a hug today.

lotsa lurve, KaiLiNg & MeiYin

*********

Thanks.

Stupidity

Firstly, 2 nights ago i couldn't sleep. I went to bed and 3 and only fell asleep around 6-630. For those of you who know me well, you'll know I NEVER HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING.

Secondly, just now i went to photocopy a friend's notes at FedEx Kinkos, one of those self-service machines. I only just realised that after copying everything i left the photocopies there. Waste $2. That was about 1.5 hours ago, i'm sure its been thrown away.

Third, i'm not eating much at all. Its like one or 1.5 meals a day. Wtf is going on? I don't even feel like eating anything. Its as if i subsist on air and books. I don't even drink water throughout the day.

Fourth, doesn't matter how much i sleep, i have difficulty waking up. My alarm rings, i turn around and reach over my desk to turn it off, i fall asleep on my hands and knees. WTF la.


Damn silly la recently. I think the midterms are making me behave weirdly. OR maybe it could be that i haven't been gaming at all, that somehow i feel that there's some sort of void in my life. I'm abstaining from all forms of computer games/video games except for fone games, and that's really taking a toll on my sanity. I can live without it, but i just wish that someone would just play so i can watch and regain my sanity. Seems everyone else has midterms too, and me not playing really discourages them. =
I'm going for office hours later for intermediate macro. Guess that's the trade off: being a conscientious student also makes me lose my bearings. I sure hope what i'm studying now is either

a. Going to make me a better person

b. Help me make some money

because if it's none of the above... Then i shouldn't be in school.

Finally

I never thought i'd be able to grow enough! Hooray new me!

Looking Back

In view of the midterms coming up this week i shall attempt to keep this post short, but even then i know i am very "cheong hei" so we'll see how it goes.

I spent the weekend actually doing some work and revision, and though i didn't complete everything i thought i would, at least i did begin, and as they say, "the journey of a thousand li begins with a single step".

I wonder where the flowers have gone. I know there are some beautiful flowers around union square, but then those don't last forever. I guess flowers in general don't last forever.

So having had a dinner and a tiff to boot, i came home (a hotel, really) in a pensive mood and decided to look around before i began work or laundry (2 weeks is long enough), so i went to have a peep at the not so distant past. That little foray brought be back to this blog, and from there a whole series of entries from the end of february backward to january, along with all comments attached.
Things i realised:

No one comments on my poems cos they don't know what the hell i'm talking about. I do, of course.
I used to write better
I have friends who do occasionally look up this blog: they even comment sometimes (which makes me feel better about writing)
I can read back and see what i felt back then, what i thought back then. Very much like a pensieve, without the full action replay
I have changed again.

I have changed. Much too much for my own liking, really. Its one of those times where you realise after some deliberation that perhaps you have changed for the worse but you don't want to admit it. Who wants to be changed for the worse? I won't go into detail about how i've changed, but in general i've become more cynical (yet again), more stoic, and more taciturn. I've forgotten how to live with frivolity, nary a care in the world. Not that anyone should be frivolous and thoughtless all the time, but its that essence of childlikeness that every grownup wishes they still had. To be young at heart, a soul in pursuit of passion, perhaps just for the moment, or with some desired end stage in mind: happiness, ecstasy, contentment.

I'm no longer content. I am thankful but not content.

My thought train just derailed. I guess thats the memory part of it: i'm losing mine.

Get me those glasses with mirrors on the sides so i can look behind me without turning around.

I wish i could still turn around.

Done for now

its 5am and i just finished revising for poverty and income distribution. for now. Mid-term on wednesday, and i've started studying on friday night. Good for me, this must be a first heh.

Unfortunately, i'm at estelle's now and there's this damn car which has had its horns blaring for like half the day already. yes, since 5pm. and the damn owner hasn't come to switch his stinking alarm off, and it's irritating the hell out of the whole damn street. I have a good mind to tell the fella off (even though i almost feel like smashing his damn car), but he'll probably be gone before i wake up.

I feel proud of myself for actually doing something today. i did finish a problem set too, kudos to me. But there's much more work to catch up on, seems i've fallen behind since week 1 due to my slack revision habits, or should i say non-existent habits. catchup, catchup!

Heard that Thomas (its his birthday today, by the way) already got an offer to his ibank of choice, and the paperwork's done. so zai. must aspire to be more like him, and learn everything i can from him before its too late. Carpe Diem, grab life by the damn horns (of that wall street bull) before i end up wang chen mo ji-ing.

time to sleep. a new day awaits.

History

So here I am taking a break from a weekend mugging session. Man, you don't know how long it took to sit me down to study.

So I was gonna see if anyone left a tag on my blog, and I realised that Estelle had been reading up some of my past entries. So I read them too, and realised that somethings hadn't changed... like inertia to work. Some things did change, like actually quitting dota. Well the next step for me is to quit all forms of gaming, whether on computer or on tv or phone. Well this weekend i've resolved to quit playing freecell or any computer game, as well as any console game including smash and mariokart. Which leaves *bubble breaker* on my fone my last resort.

Its funny how my brain is progressing. Estelle and I were talking about my brain, when I told her that back in Sec 3 i proposed to a couple of my friends that I actually had a degenerative brain disease, that we referred to as "Brain-degen-disease" and she commented on how my middle-term memory is almost non-existent. That made me feel not-so-proud of my brain always being good at remembering things that didn't matter, like knowing the capitals of at least a hundred countries, and various bits of general knowledge and random trivia questions. Maybe that's the difference between geniuses and ordinary people. Geniuses have fantastic memory access in almost all parts of their brain, and can link things up in a network of thought, and not just a linear chain of memories. Like how Virginia Woolf described differences in thought processes; Mr. Ramsay was stuck at Q, moving onto R, but geniuses had no problem with A-Z, in any order; but they occured only once a generation. I'm certainly not the one in my generation, I'm certainly no genius I'm sure of that. But I was very proud of myself for helping Estelle fasten an old duvet cover to her blinds set that set it up like a curtain, and managed to devise a method to hang up this makeshift curtain using a ribbon, a curtain hook, and a twisty wire for fastening loose wires. Talk about innovation.

I realised that I'm still unsure of the kind of academia I'd like to pursue. I always thought I would be more interested in the subjects that made me money, like econs or finance (although arguably any subject could make you money) and something related to the subject of money itself. Now that I'm taking these courses I'm not sure if I still stick by this as subjects I like studying. I like reading about marketing and business, about leadership and inspiration. It was only recently that I discovered the shocking truth: I might actually be in love with HISTORY. I love history. Remembering odd facts and weird figures, reasons for this and motives for that. What this guy did and what that guy did to counter that. Maybe it's because I like stories: Stories of success and strength, of betrayal and backstabbing, of trials and tribulations, of character and cunning. And maybe that's what I like: something with a beginning and an end, with a motive, with a reason, with characters and intangible qualities, with images of it etched in the brain with every word that makes it, with brilliant phrases and bonus expressions, with a little twist and the expected cliched ending. Maybe that's why I'm not fond of academia as a whole: hardly anything in it is a story about anything.

I look at my story, and I wonder if anyone will make it his.

Like that la

Its like that lah
You know... Like that la.

LIKE THAT LA! You don't know what LIKE THAT means?

See la you're always like that la.

Torn

Guess the fortune teller's right:

I've got everything wrong.

Feeling strange

Sorry bros i should have called yesterday but then i mabok. Hope all's well at AEC.


I've been feeling a little strange lately. I'm not sure why either, but i guess it could be because of how things have been going for me.

Life's different nowadays. Well at least compared to previous sems here at NYU. For one, my courses seem lighter than usual, and i actually have time i don't quite know how to spend. i guess quitting dota does give me a lot more time to do other things. i dont think i quite regret it. Well we all have 24 hours only, don't we. I take back the earlier statement that i finish books at the rate of 1 a week. I guess its more like 1 in three weeks. Just that i'm reading so much more than i used to that it felt like 1 a week.

I don't hang out as much with the old bunch anymore.. Guess we all got caught up with our own stuff, and i think that's kinda sad. I guess effort has to come from somewhere to upkeep relationships, and i should be doing more than i'm used to if i want things to go my way. I never used to have to do that too much i guess, or maybe i did it so much last time that i never thought it a habit of mine. Like.. Nowadays i usually see Grace and Soumi maybe once a week, whereas it used to be like once in 2 days. =\ And i never used to have to call, got too used to people calling me i guess.

Lament, lament, lament.

My dog's birthday is today i think. Or coming soon. She's a real cutie, and i guess i miss her more than i'd admit. Wonder if she misses me too. I know last year my folks told me that sometimes she'd wander into my room, look around, and walk back out. I'd like to think my dog remembers me.



Huishan is coming over for the long weekend to see NYC and stuff. It's been 9 whole months since we last met. =\ Guess there'll be much to catch up on.

Last week i watched Wicked with estelle. Great show, really. I think i really like the character of Elphaba, but the name of Nessarose. So odd right.

Nessarose.

ok work work, i need to stay on top of things. Textbooks please!

Moody

I realise of late that i have scarcely the mood to do anything. Much remains undone. The bed lifts i should have returned 3 weeks ago lie in my cupboard. My pillow and comforter on my bed stark white against my brown printed sheets lie there, awaiting a sham and a duvet cover. Homework 4 for Intermediate Macro (due thursday) and Problem set 2 for money and banking (due friday) sit in my bag, waiting to be looked at. I do have to get some forms done too to receive a 15 dollar rebate.

I was contemplating giving up the 15 dollar rebate because i really didn't want to do it. I reasoned to myself that sometimes i wouldn't go back to school from my dorm for 15 dollars if it was a one off thing. And with forms even, no that would be too tedious.

I slept at 630am on monday morning and woke at 830, slept on monday afternoon from 1130 to 6, and slept last night from 2 to 8. That's alot of sleep.

Eating is becoming a problem too. I realise that i don't fancy eating anymore. Not even a happy bowl of packet kimchi ramen, or char kuay teow from Penang restaurant. Not that i believe i'm becoming anorexic or something, i just lack the mood for things at the moment. I guess that's why i chose this song for my blog: just because it's so moody. Its Yumeiji's theme for the movie In the Mood for Love.

Is love that moody?