Time For Contemplation

I had a good time up in KL this long national day weekend. For photo updates, just check my fb page, I'm now called Fa Kinster Powers on FB, by the way. Had a good catchup with cuz becs, and chilled out with my homies, you know who you are. What I did regret about the trip though, was the time to really think about things in solitude. As much as some things should be thought out with the counsel of friends, there are other things that need to be thought out in solitude, hence the desire to vanish... Or at least be in partial isolation from my comforts (especially people).



There were a lot of good takeaways from the trip. Amongst them include a nice pair of Adidas shoes, some nice massages... Heh no seriously, I think it was good to realise that between this trip and the last, rather important was that I was far less emo this time around. Moving on is always a good thing where there no longer exists a reality worth looking back at. I also did find good company (I always do from this group of people) and share a good number of jokes... (Brain erections, anyone?)

But more importantly, I unearthed the desire to make more of myself than I was.



I thought about who I am as an individual and who I am in a group setting. What is it about me that makes my presence welcome? What is it that I contribute? To my dismay I realised that I don't contribute enough for myself to value my own presence. Will I do anything about it? I don't know yet, but I sure hope that my company is welcome and appreciated. Hence I shall strive to be a better person as a whole... That I may contribute more where I can.

Since leaving school, I've consciously endeavoured to enrich the lives of those I interact with. Whether by making them laugh and entertaining them or to offer a different perspective on a variety of issues, important or otherwise, I believe still, that time spent in the company of others should be productive, whether in a physical or emotional sense. That does seem to satisfy the purpose of meeting up, doesn't it?

I've discovered about myself the fact that I don't relish planning. I think of myself as a spontaneous individual... Doing things because I can or because I feel like it. Of course, I've also come to know that planning is vital for a smoother journey through life, but it doesn't change my desire to not be involved in planning. Unfortunately, planning is part of contribution especially in group activities, such as that group trip to KL. How else can I contribute then?



Or maybe I just need time away from large group settings. I've found myself becoming more reticent these days. Perhaps its that I no longer have the need to be occupied from emo thoughts. Or perhaps its that I really need some time alone to contemplate what it is from life that I want. Good company is always appreciated, but not always needed, or wanted for that matter.

I think I've figured out what I want from life. Unfortunately this purpose that I've found isn't one that can be forced or dictated on my terms. It comes when it does, and there's only so much I can do to achieve that directly. More importantly, I should be focusing my time and effort on the things that I need in place when this purpose arrives in my life. I need to improve my lifeskills: managing my personal finances well, managing my health well, interacting with friends and more importantly family, managing my time well, finding the motivation to get all the facets of my life straight. Perhaps right now it's not so much finding the things to do that give me purpose, but also finding purpose in the things I am doing. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing that? What purpose do I find in these things I do? Is there a point in continuing to spend time and effort and money on these things?



I've always appreciated the people in my life. Signposts toward life with a bigger purpose... life with more meaning? Hmm I don't quite know how to put this point across (I blame my degenerating brain), but in essence I don't think I thank these people enough. Well for the shy me, I just want to shout out here that I thank YOU. Don't talk to me about this if you meet me, just know that I feel gratitude towards you, and let that be enough.



Ok, well besides this trip, what else is new? Oh not much, just...

hmm. I don't really want to write anymore now. Its quite about time I went to bed. We'll see what comes next, I think I need to update more. Or at least attempt to verbalise my thoughts, whether in print or prose.

Goodnight, fickle world.
(and maybe the world is fickle only because I am)