I guess I'm back for now.
I don't know how long more I'll stay here, but then again this blog holds too many memories for me to move. Definitely too many memories for me to shut this blog down.
So much has happened since my heavy blogging days. I remember I used to blog on 2 blogs: this one, and my old coupleblog back in 2005-6 when I was still with H. Looking back at entries from both blogs really brought back some perspective about who I was and who I've become.
It's funny how some things about myself have changed so much, whilst others remain stubbornly a part of myself, habits and traits both good and bad. I'm not going to list it out, but if you're actually reading this post I think there's a possibility that you know what these changes are. If you're not, ... which is impossible... , and you don't know what these changes are, then we'd better meet up and talk when I get back to Singapore or wherever you are.
My last post was on June 14 2007. Close to a year since I've last blogged.
I remember how late into the night in my Freshman year I'd either be done with homework or have just finished a game of Smash Bros with my suitemates at 3am, and yet I'd still be discontent with choosing sleep. I would blog voraciously, posting the silliest of photos that I'd bothered to take, many of them stupid self portraits that just take up hard-disk space. I'd compose a multitude of poems meaningless to everyone but myself. All those arcane poems meant something to me (only to me I think), and looking back at them last week made me relive those early college years. I'd just aim to post a short note and end up writing a 2 hour entry. And how I loved it. Unfortunately shortly after completing my writing the essay class, I lost the urge to blog frequently. I guess not bringing my camera back to New York affected my desire to blog. Everyone likes pictures and colour. No pictures ---> no entry = dead blog. So here's my feeble attempt to resurrect something that once meant 1/4 the world to me. (Go me!)
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There's alot of things I miss about the me of yesteryear:
1. Friends that I haven't spoken to for 2 years
2. The spontaneous + joyous me that appears only 3-4 times a year now
3. My fitness/body. I may look in shape but trust me I'm not.
4. The reflective being: always taking time to look back. I've since
lost the eyes behind my head
5. The intelligence. I think I've swapped alot of IQ for some EQ. Good, but
there was never a need for a tradeoff
6. The energy: Nowadays I prefer to stay home and spend alone/DotA time
7. The creativity: I've become a cookie-cutter--Absolutely predictable,
unerringly lame at the worst of times
8. The desire to connect with everyone
I think this short list is more than enough things to miss for now. I'm sure there's more but I can't bother to list it all.
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About 5 hours earlier, I had one of the most meaningful phonecalls in awhile from my P. Although the contents of the conversation wasn't that of intellectual discourse or of the happiest thoughts, it was a heartfelt exchange, albeit a little one-sided, that really put things into perspective for me for awhile, that really made me appreciate what I've done this past 365 days. Thanks dear Podmate, as much as these are times we want to put behind us, that one call will be a memory I will treasure because you reminded me of who I am inside and what I am capable of.
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In other news, spring break is ending and that means I have school tomorrow. I guess life goes on, it was quite a memorable spring break even though nothing excitingly eventful occured. The angry past needs to be left behind for the brighter future to come.
Part of this brighter future includes: Picturetime!
At Diamond Head
Food so good it made me cry
A sandcastle I built with my bare hands.
Happy times in Paradise Cove
Don't be confused by the hair, these pictures were all taken in the same week. My fringe reached below my lips, but I tied it atop my head like a japanese samurai so it wouldn't poke my eyes. It no longer exists, I cropped most of it off.
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Certain groups/people I've thought about fleetingly in the past 2 weeks. Please don't be upset with me if I didn't list you: I either overlooked it or your presence is so constant that I feel no need to mention you. In no particular order,
1. Family + dog
2. JD, Zoe, KK, Kangwei, Jacky
3. Ivan Chew and 2 COY Det 5
4. Junlin
5. S01D people like Kiats, Shan, Wans, Zhangyi, Zhong Lei
6. LiDoMe
7. Cousins
8. ODACians
9. NYU Bunch (referring to my clique of 5 in my Freshie year)
10. Mei
I guess this might sum up the groups of people who spent a significant portion of my life with me that I haven't been in contact with for awhile.
Talking about relationships that once blossomed but now seem deceptively non-existent makes me sad. Even though for some of you in those groups I mentioned, I know once we meet up it will be like as if we'd only met yesterday, for others things have probably changed so much that I doubt we will ever approach that degree of closeness or camaderie that we once had. Thus 2 things make me sad:
1. People that I treasure who have no time for me (or vice versa)
2. People that I treasured.
Perhaps I should talk less about unhappy things. On to the brighter stuff then
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Recently KH Facebooked me and told me about a spare ticket to a childhood dream. Considering I had already shelved the dream for awhile, it did not occur to me that I should just go for it anyway since I was and am still poised to accomplish it. I guess that's life; the passions we posessed as children slowly ebb away like a falling tide, attempting to reach our consciousness before pulling back and vanishing with a faint outline of what once was. The opportunity cost was great: spending an anniversary apart. Sadly, I have come to realise only too late that this being the life I lead would mean that childhood dreams must take priority before they become dust in the wind, if I should want to find myself, the core of my being. Who I am may be defined by what I choose to do (or not do), but sacrifices have to be made in pursuit of dreams, and this is who I want to be. Someone that will make sacrifices for his dreams.
I know that you might think critically of me: its an anniversary! But anniversaries are just a day of comemmoration: if I appreciate what I have on a daily basis, is there a need to comemmorate the event or show extra appreciation for what I have? Perhaps my words aren't coming out right--I have lost my persuasiveness and a large chunk of my grammar and vocabulary--but all the same, I need to find my childhood dreams because these dreams have shaped me in my formative years, and right now I need to believe that dreams do come true eventually. I need to. I need that ticket, before I lose the opportunity. I can only hope that it will be an experience of a lifetime.
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For you folks in the US, I'm a huge fan/user of Pandora.com. Pandora solves the problem with junk on radio and junk reception on radio. It plays the kind of music I like, and it really calms me down and lets me centre myself amidst the turmoil of life, work, and other concerns. I will be sorry to leave Pandora behind when I return to Singapore, because it cannot be accessed from outside of the US.
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I've been tracking my posts on "the aura of zhainess" and as of now, I've discovered that not much has changed. However, I find myself doing well in things I enjoy and things I mildly take an interest to. Also, I have discovered a new perspective to which this aura can be applied. I know I have it, because P told me so earlier, in indirect words. Besides, you can't use it unless you know you have it, and I know that I have it now.
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I've developed a fondness for Chinese dialects of late (for about a year), especially Cantonese and Hokkien. I enrolled in a Cantonese class to reconnect with my roots and expand my options, and I've found that I really like it! This is possibly the only class beside PE that I really look forward to. My main purpose of taking this course was actually to be able to converse with my ageing grandparents who speak Cantonese and horribly limited Mandrin, so that when they spoke to me I wouldn't have to pretend I knew what they were saying, and just go "Orr" while nodding my head, and exchange bewildered glances with my equally bewildered sisters. At least then, I've got an edge in the HK market should I decide to establish myself there.
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I know I'm still young, but I'm not that young anymore. I've got to report for IPPT when I get back, and I'm definitely not in shape like how I used to be.
I met this dude, W's friend, on USEast. He's 25 this year and has 2 kids. He's married to his first love, and they're still going strong. I asked him if he was gonna train his kids to play dota, and he said the time wasn't ripe yet. I wonder if I'd have the chance to be a cool dad like that guy.
One of the doormen at my place is younger than I am, and he owns a Cadillac. One of the bigger ones with insane horsepower that accelerates from 0-100 in under 4 seconds. He hasn't gone to college, but he's worked at construction sites, as a doorman, as a trash collector, and he's got something to show for it. He paid for that car on the spot, with US$38,000 in cold hard cash. And he's not poor either, but a self-made man.
As much as I am unwillingly to take the next step forward in life, I know I'm already entering the fray unfashionably late and I'd better make sure I have the skillz to show the world I can be an asset to any organisation I join. Money cannot buy happiness, but money makes living easier, and money + happiness = GG
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Ok this might just be the longest post I've ever posted. Possibly not, but considering I've spent more than 2 hours writing all this, I think it's a pretty comprehensive update about who I've become.
Thanks everyone for being who you are, because through you I have become who I am. And I think I deserve to believe that I am someone that my friends and family can be proud of, despite all my shortcomings. Go me!
Always your friend if you'll be mine.
Kin
