A zillion wishes

I wish i were violin/cello player. I'd play the most sorrowful tunes that would make people cry. Then at least they will remember that they are human, and living is actually more painful than it seems.

I wish i were a professional gamer. I'd be so good at all sorts of games, i'd be practically worshipped in Korea during the WCG. Throwing fools around with the ease of a drunken Kungfu master with deft movements of 2 fingers.

I wish i were a stone statue. Not metal, not bronze, just stone. To remind all those who see me that though people might seem impermeable at first, after time they do break down when the cracks start to show.

I wish i were the sun. Then people could say, "Yeah he's hot alright."

I wish i were the rain. I'd be falling in a million pieces, picking myself together again, rising toward the sky only to fall back down, just that i'd have no feelings.

I wish nothing mattered. Then purpose would be defined by pursuit of interests, and not complicated by ethical and religious undertakings.

I wish all jokes were funny. That way life wouldn't be so boring.

I wish i were a leaky flowerpot. That way my emotions have an outlet.

I wish my eyes were cameras. I'd take a zillion shots of everything, and create a mental picture of the world so i can revisit all the places that i've been and relive the experiences that i treasure so much.

I wish that 2nd hand smoke wasn't harmful. Nor smoking at all. That way babies wouldn't be deformed on the whims of an irresponsible parent.

I wish sweets were sour and sours were sweet. A temporal confusion of the tastebuds will make me ponder endlessly about the wonders of taste.

I wish time didn't just go by like that. If it could stay a little longer sometimes, and make itself scarce othertimes, time could be my best friend. Or perhaps my most useful lobang.

I wish music had a face. I'd fall in love so many times.

I wish shirts and hairdressing were cheap. I'd like to see myself in a variety of styles, and find one that embodies the essence of me.

I wish i could sleep and stay awake when i wanted to.

I wish some of my wishes would come true

Looking Back

I watched Jarhead awhile ago, and was brought back to the memories of 03/04


Prepping for 10k soc



Orienteering in Taiwan



Mission in Thailand


And it just made me think about my military life, and all that came with it. Friends gained and friends lost, experience gained and innocence lost, character gained and time lost.


On another note, i'd like to shout out at this point in time that i love my family unconditionally. Though i may not talk often to them, they mean that much to me. Guess i don't say it often, but its never too late to.




And also missing my cousins. Really want to talk to these 2, but never see them online.




Aiyah. Cannot work then sleep la. dont blog this blog that say this say that. do that when got more time la.

I sound like my own mother, almost. I'm even doing well in her area of expertise, which is programming! Got a 94 for the midterm. Am very happy.

Back to work. Not so happy.

Contemplation II

Lots of thoughts i've been having.

Im thankful for so much i don't know where to begin.
Am I too critical of the only person i feel i have a right to criticize?
Where will i be in the next 2, 5 and 10 years?

Oh and while you ponder these questions too, fill up my johari window thanks
http://kevan.org/johari?name=Kinster

I need to get orange hair

Your Hair Should Be Orange

Expressive, deep, and one of a kind. You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

What's Your Funky Inner Hair Color?

Thank you

Thank you for sharing your life with me. For helping me learn and grow, be more than i know. For joint ventures in investments that have borne fruit. For everything we've been through, for better or worse. In all, it was an unforgettable ride.

Now hit the road, Jack.

Weights

Just lifted some weights with Grace. Feel very manly now.

However, the beer belly has to go, and i can't run, skip or cycle till my ankle heals =(

Contemplation

When the night has come
And the land is dark (by 5pm)
And the moon, (and the rest of the city)
Is the only light you'll see.


I've realised that age is something that comes, and makes you someone more than you were the year before. Its like an expansion pack to a game, like i was born KinFoong version 1.00, and then i developed and improved, and now im KinFoong v6.27b. I look back at the KinFoong v5.60b from 2 years ago, and i see the changes that have taken place. Some changes i'm happy with, and some not so. Some things have been deleted from my programming, and others buffed to a considerable extent. But either way, even as age gives experience, depth and wealth to a character, we will always be flawed in some respect.


I've realised once again that i am capable of getting angry. I remember there was this time when i couldn't feel angry, hurt, sad, or pain. I felt that i had a heart of stone and i really felt remorseful after that: because for almost one full month i'd lost my heart. I felt neither love nor peace. I felt dead. I guess with that in mind, being angry is ok, as long as its not destructive anger. I was angry at Soumi's friends cos they don't respect her. And that really pissed me off.


I've also realised that i hate it when people cannot accept that other people will be different, no matter how hard you try to change them. That, as well as people who have no sense of community or responsibility. That some people have skins as thick as concrete bunkers, and skulls as dull as airplane black boxes kinda makes me fume. Where's the love?


Actually i have many more thoughts floating in my mind, but its almost 5am and i'm supposed to gym tomorrow.


How small we are.

That looks like pudding.

Cravings

I'm eating fried rice as i type this, at 959pm, the only real food i've had today (tea, pineapple tarts and chips don't count). But why beef fried rice? Cos i like eating beef. Yet i was missing the flavour of homestyle fried rice, which would then be shrimp or chicken. Guess i messed up there.

Have you noticed how cravings come and go like the passing of seasons? When you're right out there you feel the season in full force, with the thought in your mind: "yeah.. its a cold winter alright" or "oh my god i need to finish this bag of chips", and it changes slowly, without you realising that you stopped eating chips, or that you started craving chocolate, just as this hot/cold winter eases into a dubious spring.

And then theres the craving reversal. One moment you want ice-cream, and the next moment you can't get enough of non-dairy. Or you even reject ice cream (this rarely happens to me, but it does). Like how one moment something doesn't quite matter, and the next thing you know, you'd die to have it, and vice versa.

So why do we crave?

Could it be the perceived lack of something that makes us want it? A perceived lack of endorphins that makes us crave chocolate? A perceived lack of muscle relaxation that makes us crave a back rub? A perceived lack of results that makes us crave tuition? (btw if you didn't think the last statement was a weak joke you need counselling)

Maybe its the groove. I need beer because its tiger time. I need dota cos its competition time. I need chess because i feel intellectual.

It could be peer pressure. I watch a movie because everyone says its good. I learn to appreciate new things like American Football which i used to have no interest in. I study becaue everyone else is (this rarely happens).

Perhaps its brain chemicals induced by the environment. The aroma from starbucks makes me want a coffee. The cool wind makes me want to chew mint gum. The bad smell in the toilet makes me want to crap.

But if not any of these, then what?

Heep once said something like: You know how when its something you can't get, its fascinating, but when its something easy, it doesn't appeal to you.

I think he's nuts.

I don't crave chocolate because i can't get it. It still tastes wonderful, the first piece more then the next (obeying the law of Marginal Utility). I don't drink beer because i'm underaged. I don't crap because i smell the toilet. I crap if i have to.

My theory is that cravings of all sorts arise from a condition of dependency on a pillar of emotional support. If this pillar were to shake or crumble, this triggers a surge in craving for various substances, activities, or objects that will create a temporal relief from the emotional trauma sustained by the pillar, either by inducing happiness, euphoria, or sheer avoidance of thinking (about the incident that caused trauma). Eg. my craving for chocolate could be attributable to my self-perceived worthlessness triggered by a friend saying: "go away" because the "go away" shook an emotional pillar called "self-love" that resulted in anxiety of inadequacy, which led to the desire for endorphins in chocolate to put off those feelings of insecurity by replacing these with happy feelings. (which could explain why Master Pain renames himself Betty in Kung Pao: Enter the Fist)

And if you don't crave?

I think that leads to a breakdown of sorts, when all "escape mechanisms" fail to create a temporal shield around depressive feelings of anxiety and negativity.

I'm glad my escapes are within easy reach. Except that of late my esc isn't quite the Alt-f4 i need it to be.

A song for the road.

Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist;
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs
and still frames in your mind.

Hang it on a shelf
In good health and good time.

Tattoos of memories
and dead skin on trial.

For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

episodes

my friends thought this was funny.

accounting was a bad episode, due to the teenagelife crisis i was having the day before. one of my worse moments ever, but then we all get that every now and then. no suprises, need to work harder now. econ however was a breeze, and to reward myself, im gonna play chess for NYU! yay!

ill bring my computing notes so i can study too, dont worry.

watched 2046. i must say, i prefer in the mood for love, even though 2046 was so deep. =
missing home.

Thoughts

Before i begin i'd like to say happy valentines to you all, hope it was great, even though its just an excuse for florists and restaurants to profit immensely and girls to be treated like princesses for a day. i had a good dinner with Cliff Grace Ian and Soumi. and just realised that by placing their names in alphabetical order i happened to arrange them in order of age too. and i'd like to thank them for dinner and presents. and also my darling for a magical phonecall though it lasted so short.


--------------------------------------



Recently, i thought to myself: if i were to die today, what would i want to be remembered as?

It seems more often than not, the first thing that comes to mind is that i want my friends to remember me as someone who was funny.

I'm not quite sure why i thought that. I remember there was this time at PSL camp at the end of sec3, we had to share our "ambitions". Mine was that i wanted to make people happy, or at least laugh for the moment. I guess being funny would be one way to do so.

And then it comes back to me: whats this preoccupation with being funny anyway? I'm not half as funny as Desmond or Hanting or Ee Kean. And since i don't have a natural predisposition that makes people laugh when they look at me, why did i want that? What does laughter mean to you?

I take pride in making my friends laugh, i love it when we have a good time. Take Soumi for example. I don't quite try to make her laugh all the time, but then when she does i feel happy (even though her laughter in response to me is mostly followed by the crying out of "LAME!!" that's obviously attributed to her startling vocabularic deficiency). Like to see someone's eyes light up, to see everyone having a good time... Isn't that quite what we want this world, this life to be? A good time.

Sometimes it comes to this point when friends tell me: "Its obvious when you're not happy, its all in your face." I didn't know back then that my eyes were really lightbulbs every other time i wasnt troubled. Like i had a glow of life in my eyes that was omnipresent. I do remember another time when i had a fever, and i tried to make someone laugh. Not sure why when or who (its hard to remember anything when you're sick), but that person told me: "Aiyoh you sick also still like that."

So maybe its in my blood. Either that or if you don't think im strange/weird/funny then i'll have to say you don't know me too well.

Anyway, so i've been in this rut lately, this lack of cheeriness, joyfulness, happiness stemming from this self-hatred. I've got work. I've got time to do work. But i haven't been able to accomplish what i'm capable of, or even more importantly, what i need to accomplish. I guess its in the same kind of way when u know the answer for a math question, and you write down the wrong answer, and hate yourself for that later.

erm that doesn't seem like a good analogy.

anyway i was saying i havent been happy lately. and its ridiculous to think that after 21.5 years of living on this earth i still have a problem conditioning my own happiness, engaging my own discipline, exercising my own will. I should be happy with everything i've got, and let my positive energies take over. Be happy, be energetic, be disciplined, and everything will fall in place.

I guess everything's just falling all over the place in a haphazard formation right now. Kinda like the blizzard that just gave NYC a record 26.9 inches of snow. I'm just waiting for the winds to calm down, and leave me in a winterwonderland of peaceful, pure, virgin snow. We'll see what happens next.

---------------------------------------------

Weather report: The storm worsens tomorrow with the first of 4 midterms. Wish me luck. I do hope i'll be laughing at the end of the week.

so des neh

Well i was just thinking of a title, and kinda decided that this would be a nice title. I don't even know if i'm spelling it right, but I think u guys know what i mean by the title.

On a side note, i realised that blogger doesn't host bitmaps, which is why i couldn't load a smaller corvette, causing my tagboard to be relegated to the bottom of my blog. Anyway i realised it and thus converted it to a JPG file, so now we have a small corvette and my tagboard's back to the top yay!

Also wanted to talk abit about my change of song. Well the last one used to be the Portuguese love theme from Love Actually, this one is Turn Me On by Norah Jones, also from the movie soundtrack. Its pretty good really, was debating between using more instrumental themes, Songbird by Eva Cassidy, Everybody Wants To Rule The World by Tears For Fears, and this. Well i guess Norah Jones is... kinda talking to me right now so i'll just leave it there for a week more.

------------------------------------------------

Now to the meat of the post. I've been battling with my books since secondary school, cos primary school was relatively easy, and since then i've always had some problem excelling in the examination system. Maybe its my approach, maybe its my habits, but i've really never been able to do the SIngaporean BrEtHren CHAO MUGger (SiBeh ChaoMug) Last Minute Chiong that you see most ppl in the JC system practicing religiously upon the arrival of the examinations. As such, i should probably excel better in the US system where its consistency in work that counts. However, it cannot be denied that the large percentage given to the final examination still manages to pull my result down. So how should i tackle this problem?

So it seems maybe I'm of the impression that as long as u hand in all work you're good to go. Well in RJ they gave so many tutorials that if you did finish all of them before class, you were probably good to go cos you'd require more than one day if you had problems with the tutorial. However here things kinda work a little different. Seems that the Professor's whim and fancy could play a big part of your score too. So to counter that, i'd have to mug the damn textbook for whatever subject concerned, so that i know everything he could possibly test on. Except that for my ConWest class, i've got 11 books.



I've got 2 weeks of midterms:
this week, one on thursday and one on friday,
next week, one on wednesday and one on thursday.

Initially i thought: I must put on my mugging shoes and lucky cap.

But then that didn't make a difference to my pre-exam lethargy that just crept up over me in the past week. I knew i had to change gear, step on the accelerator and burn more oil. But when i tried to burn more oil, i realised that i hadn't changed gear at all. So i ended up over-revving on first gear.

And then, i thought: Wa lao, damn sian la i floor the accelerator already the Proton Saga also faster than me... Wassup man...

So i looked around me to reorientate myself. Saw that my stick shift had 5 numbers plus N and R.

And then, i thought: Eh. i thought i was driving an automatic car. end up it was actually a manual.

So i tried to look for my clutch to change gear. but everytime i try to speedup, i panic with the gear changing process cos i scared i cannot make the transition. then end up kena engine stall. Worse.

And then, i thought: Eh. What sial.. The car got 4 corners, and you're in one of them. Driving not meant to be gan cheong one... Must learn to relak one corner abit, then ur driving sure more smooth. Later u worry this worry that, you lose sight of the big picture, you forget how to drive. Too excited, confirm speed too fast then kena by Mata halfway. then also worse. Must consistent... Steady steady pom pi pi sure can one.

So i tried to start driving again. But damn slow la, cos i 2 1/2 years never drive liao. Spent that time walking from place to place, running from place to place, smelling random trees and chinup bars, and basically exercising everything except your own free will. But it did make sense wat... If you were driving, and u received orders to "knock it down", u sure become driving hazard wat. End up i was looking here looking there, cannot speed up cos not used to driving conditions. Now in US left hand drive somemore.

And then, i thought: Eh brudder, you just need some practice la, got time must drive around at night so that you get enuf practice. And when u drive, think as if you've done this before, and its second nature to you. Imagine that you're just a fraction of Schumacher.

So i resolved not to play mahjong and related activities too much at night cos i had to learn how to drive.

And then, it dawned on me: Zhainess is not something u wish for, but something you believe in, and then something u make happen.


And so i'm gonna make it happen.

im a corvette

I'm a Chevrolet Corvette!

You're a classic - powerful, athletic, and competitive. You're all about winning the race and getting the job done. While you have a practical everyday side, you get wild when anyone pushes your pedal. You hate to lose, but you hardly ever do.

Take the Which Sports Car Are You? quiz.

in other news, i just watched "in the mood for love" by wong kar wai. omg i am such a romantic... some things still haven't changed.

Struggle

The war in my bones
Rages on like the Battle of the Somme.
A futile struggle,
of 58,000 troops against an invisible enemy
bombarded with steel rain, no less
Steel rain, of which much failed to explode.
The bunkers, the bunkers, made through years of preparation
robust, Impermeable, Indestructible
That granted the seeds of inertia room to grow
to Exploit the power of Trench Warfare
Trenched in belief, practice, doctrine, and habit.

A battle exploding
that should give rise to
A pitch of feverish proportion
A pain of a thousand piercing needles
A position of determined resistance.
But resistance has proved futile ever so often
If ever a challenge to the threat
that comes and goes
with the turn of each season, and time between.

In this age of nuclear warfare,
the game is Abstinence
But how do you abstain from what must be?

Its a war,
they said
A war that must be fought
for a Better Future
but will i live to see tomorrow?

Its a struggle,
they said
A personal struggle
to surpass himself
and serve the purpose that
is destined
but will i see the purpose in that?

Its life
they said
A miserable existence
through ups and downs.
Nietzsche said
"what does not kill me
makes me stronger"
But what i do not triumph over
does nothing for me,
if Death was never in the equation.

How many more lie hidden in the Somme?

I should be sleeping but i just wanted to say that its funny how some traces of facial hair can make people look much older. Case in point:




And:


of course i took worse pictures, but damn ugly lar... don't want to show the whole world.

ok sleep
!

One of those times.... again

Well its one of those times again... When i realised that i just wasted a whole day with which i could have worked with. I slept.. I played freecell... I triviaed.

Then i thought again, why am i doing this?


Then i thought: dude, u need some goals man.

but ive never been a goalkeeper. Well actually i did play goalkeeper for my class back in sec4, but thats not quite the point. Well actually i did set some goals in the army and i got them: be an officer, get a SOM.

then i thought: how about get a 4.0?

i did try to set that earlier, but i suddenly realise that its kinda hard with a course like conwest. a friend of mine didn't do too well for her first 2 papers, and me neither. we were considering taking it pass/fail to maintain the gpa, and i guess thats what i need to make sure i get where i wanna be.

then i thought: die la... at this rate... i'm just wasting my time.

then i thought: cannnot waste time.

then i thought: must study

then i started blogging.

haiz

A Childhood Memory

Triggered by eNiL:

first the worst
second the best
third the hairy princess

4th the golden eagle
5th the blue beagle
6th the nut
7th the butt
8th the fart
9th the ass
10th the fart gas

11th the hooligan
12th the machine gun
13th the cannon
14th mrs buchanan
15th the king
16th the ring
17th jack-ching-ba-da-bing

18th the owl
19th the bowel
20th the backside towel
21st the moron
22nd is zordon
23rd the hummingbird
24th the nerd

And to think i said it all in one breath.

Well the story behind this is that it kinda just triggered sometime back when i was in ACS Barker Pri. Can't remember why, but it just came about. Could have been Marc Chang that first said first the worst second the best 3rd the Hairy Princess. And it resulted in class jams, when ppl wouldn't want to go in first or third. Then i also heard 4th the Golden Eagle and 5th the Blue Beagle. So if there's a 4th and 5th, might as well name it all the way down the class register... Since there were 24 kids in my class, there had to be 24 titles... and the rest is history. Kudos to Josh i think, for contributing, and Edwin too. (I think).

And unless you're a computer geek who only speaks computing language, Zero the Hero does not apply.

Mr Chef

So i cooked bulgogi yesterday for grace ian and soumi, incl egg and rice.. just very simple la. kinda reminded me of how when i was alone i'd just have rice with butter and soy sauce. very delicious indeed, as long as the rice was warm. Well i guess the art of cooking bulgogi is not so much in the cooking of it but rather the seasoning of it. so...

am currently having rice and sardines for lunch. I cancelled my meal plans cos im sick of it.. Like the same things all the time. Sure i had hot wings and barbequeue wings yesterday at 3n for dinner, but then i figure i'll never finish my meals. So heep and i cancelled our meals, and he's gonna get more cheap groceries from upstate and bring it in.

On another note, we're probably gonna room together next sem. i hope by then i get my act together and become chao mugger # 101 ( i can't be the best, 101th is ok).

save more on food, spend more on housing. Oh well.

save more on outings, spend more on snowboarding.

save more time on studies, spend more on dota.



wait thats not right.

Snowboarding

Snowboarding is so much more fun than wakeboarding la... damn shiok the feeling yeah. Oh crap its like 4am. Write more some other time.

Cheers!

Enlightenment

Sometimes i stop in the middle of an activity, and think to myself: so what am i doing right now? Of course, oftentimes i do that, and my eyes slowly close as i probe my inner mind...

But nevertheless have you had that kind of experience before? The kind that makes you stop and think: "yes. i know whats going on now. Yes. i remember what i must do. YES! i must! i will! i am! I!"

Well i kinda made a small step today, remembering: "Oh yeah i have to read up my acct textbook as well as my computing one and do my supplementary problem set for econs." and "Oh yeah econs mid terms are in 2 weeks."

2 WEEKS!

And to think school's barely started!

Sometimes i feel that i accord too much importance to the wrong things (just as many of us do), and not enough importance to the things we need to focus on. But it so happens that most of us feel the need to excel in the things that we care about, because its a passion, because its important for a side of our well being, and because we want to feel pride in these things that have shaped who we are (or will go on to shape us). And perhaps its a shame that the world doesn't and cannot see people for who they are, for the passion that people have in the pursuit of the things that matter to them. The CEO of a MultiNationalCompany wont say: "Good job Roger you had a great time with your family" or "Well done Smithers you took some really nice pictures on your weekend getaway. Its just "Robert wheres the draft for that report?" or "Damnit Robbins you're late again! One more time and you're fired!" without the appreciation that perhaps life entails more than life in the office, and that sometimes taking a 15 minute break can enhance productivity for the next 5 hours.

I do take pride in the things i do, more so in some than in others, and perhaps thats one place i have to make some adjustments. Try to make certain things matter less and other more important things matter more. But if thats not what i really want, then it just means one thing: I'm not ready for the working life yet. It's as if idealism has no place in the cubicle. I'm already starting to feel victimised by society, the sick joke of civilisation. PM Lee reduces the syllabus to ease stress on the education system, only to have teachers teach both the new and old syllabuses IN CASE. I feel sorry for kids today, for the shit they have to learn, for the pressure society (and kiasu parents) have placed on them, and for the mindset that they have, thinking that good grades = good future. They think that they definitely will get a job, they think that Singapore is prepared for the future, they think that as long as they get a good degree things will be fine. Bullshit, thats what it is.

hmm i'm digressing. Seems like there's some pent up anger in my writing. Tsk, must be a byproduct of reading Freud's Civilization and its Discontents. Yes, i am discontent. I have so much in my life to be thankful for, but i will be discontent, because it is when i perceive existing imperfection that i will strive to improve my life. And the youth today will have to do that, and to strive to be better than they could be in every aspect, or else Singapore will really cease to be a good place to live in.

Damn i'm such a pessimist. Maybe i've got all this anger cos i haven't been blogging enough.

Oh yeah and i didn't mention in earlier posts: Gong Xi Fa Cai, Wan Shi Ru Yi. Zhu Ni Jing Nian Shi Ye Yi Fan Feng Shun, Xin Xiang Shi Cheng!