Thoughts
Before i begin i'd like to say happy valentines to you all, hope it was great, even though its just an excuse for florists and restaurants to profit immensely and girls to be treated like princesses for a day. i had a good dinner with Cliff Grace Ian and Soumi. and just realised that by placing their names in alphabetical order i happened to arrange them in order of age too. and i'd like to thank them for dinner and presents. and also my darling for a magical phonecall though it lasted so short.
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Recently, i thought to myself: if i were to die today, what would i want to be remembered as?
It seems more often than not, the first thing that comes to mind is that i want my friends to remember me as someone who was funny.
I'm not quite sure why i thought that. I remember there was this time at PSL camp at the end of sec3, we had to share our "ambitions". Mine was that i wanted to make people happy, or at least laugh for the moment. I guess being funny would be one way to do so.
And then it comes back to me: whats this preoccupation with being funny anyway? I'm not half as funny as Desmond or Hanting or Ee Kean. And since i don't have a natural predisposition that makes people laugh when they look at me, why did i want that? What does laughter mean to you?
I take pride in making my friends laugh, i love it when we have a good time. Take Soumi for example. I don't quite try to make her laugh all the time, but then when she does i feel happy (even though her laughter in response to me is mostly followed by the crying out of "LAME!!" that's obviously attributed to her startling vocabularic deficiency). Like to see someone's eyes light up, to see everyone having a good time... Isn't that quite what we want this world, this life to be? A good time.
Sometimes it comes to this point when friends tell me: "Its obvious when you're not happy, its all in your face." I didn't know back then that my eyes were really lightbulbs every other time i wasnt troubled. Like i had a glow of life in my eyes that was omnipresent. I do remember another time when i had a fever, and i tried to make someone laugh. Not sure why when or who (its hard to remember anything when you're sick), but that person told me: "Aiyoh you sick also still like that."
So maybe its in my blood. Either that or if you don't think im strange/weird/funny then i'll have to say you don't know me too well.
Anyway, so i've been in this rut lately, this lack of cheeriness, joyfulness, happiness stemming from this self-hatred. I've got work. I've got time to do work. But i haven't been able to accomplish what i'm capable of, or even more importantly, what i need to accomplish. I guess its in the same kind of way when u know the answer for a math question, and you write down the wrong answer, and hate yourself for that later.
erm that doesn't seem like a good analogy.
anyway i was saying i havent been happy lately. and its ridiculous to think that after 21.5 years of living on this earth i still have a problem conditioning my own happiness, engaging my own discipline, exercising my own will. I should be happy with everything i've got, and let my positive energies take over. Be happy, be energetic, be disciplined, and everything will fall in place.
I guess everything's just falling all over the place in a haphazard formation right now. Kinda like the blizzard that just gave NYC a record 26.9 inches of snow. I'm just waiting for the winds to calm down, and leave me in a winterwonderland of peaceful, pure, virgin snow. We'll see what happens next.
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Weather report: The storm worsens tomorrow with the first of 4 midterms. Wish me luck. I do hope i'll be laughing at the end of the week.
--------------------------------------
Recently, i thought to myself: if i were to die today, what would i want to be remembered as?
It seems more often than not, the first thing that comes to mind is that i want my friends to remember me as someone who was funny.
I'm not quite sure why i thought that. I remember there was this time at PSL camp at the end of sec3, we had to share our "ambitions". Mine was that i wanted to make people happy, or at least laugh for the moment. I guess being funny would be one way to do so.
And then it comes back to me: whats this preoccupation with being funny anyway? I'm not half as funny as Desmond or Hanting or Ee Kean. And since i don't have a natural predisposition that makes people laugh when they look at me, why did i want that? What does laughter mean to you?
I take pride in making my friends laugh, i love it when we have a good time. Take Soumi for example. I don't quite try to make her laugh all the time, but then when she does i feel happy (even though her laughter in response to me is mostly followed by the crying out of "LAME!!" that's obviously attributed to her startling vocabularic deficiency). Like to see someone's eyes light up, to see everyone having a good time... Isn't that quite what we want this world, this life to be? A good time.
Sometimes it comes to this point when friends tell me: "Its obvious when you're not happy, its all in your face." I didn't know back then that my eyes were really lightbulbs every other time i wasnt troubled. Like i had a glow of life in my eyes that was omnipresent. I do remember another time when i had a fever, and i tried to make someone laugh. Not sure why when or who (its hard to remember anything when you're sick), but that person told me: "Aiyoh you sick also still like that."
So maybe its in my blood. Either that or if you don't think im strange/weird/funny then i'll have to say you don't know me too well.
Anyway, so i've been in this rut lately, this lack of cheeriness, joyfulness, happiness stemming from this self-hatred. I've got work. I've got time to do work. But i haven't been able to accomplish what i'm capable of, or even more importantly, what i need to accomplish. I guess its in the same kind of way when u know the answer for a math question, and you write down the wrong answer, and hate yourself for that later.
erm that doesn't seem like a good analogy.
anyway i was saying i havent been happy lately. and its ridiculous to think that after 21.5 years of living on this earth i still have a problem conditioning my own happiness, engaging my own discipline, exercising my own will. I should be happy with everything i've got, and let my positive energies take over. Be happy, be energetic, be disciplined, and everything will fall in place.
I guess everything's just falling all over the place in a haphazard formation right now. Kinda like the blizzard that just gave NYC a record 26.9 inches of snow. I'm just waiting for the winds to calm down, and leave me in a winterwonderland of peaceful, pure, virgin snow. We'll see what happens next.
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Weather report: The storm worsens tomorrow with the first of 4 midterms. Wish me luck. I do hope i'll be laughing at the end of the week.
posted by Kinfoong at 3:40 PM
5 Comments:
jiayou! my first of 4 midterms also starts today!
thanks connor... appreciate that lots
kin... its weird that you're saying u've got a problem "CONDITIONING" ur happiness and then you go on to sort of say that u wanna be happy blah blah blah... isn;t happinessss supposed to come naturally.. or something? *sigh* count ur blessings lah... :)
*mEi*
I think happiness is derived from our perception of what is pleasant. like if i enjoy my massages, i feel happy. if i get a mmmmonsterkill, i feel happy because i know i'm good at what i'm doing, and knowing im good at something makes me happy.
i'm just saying that at the moment the things that used to make me happy aren't working anymore, which is why im having this trouble finding happiness in the things that i do, be it dota or receiving massages or sleeping. thats what i mean by conditioning. i don't find happiness chatting to people in msn anymore. i don't find happiness in blogging like i used to. That's my problem, because i'm supposed to be happy, like i used to, thats what i mean by conditioning.
Thanks anyway, i try to count them as i can.
PSL!! wahh havent heard that term in so long. i remember aspiring to be a PSL lol.. but i wasnt one, cant remember why oso
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