Better, and worse at the same time

I feel better because alot of things are happening. I'm not sure if I want to say this all out in public (even though no one reads it except me now), so ask me and maybe I shall say.

Things are much better now, and there's a reason to be happy.

I'm happy as long as the people around me are happy, and that's nice.

I visited my Grandma's this morning with Weng to have breakfast with her. She was very happy this time to see that it wasn't just me. I guess my problem is that when she gets depressed, I never quite know what to say.

She'd say: "Now I'm old and useless already, want to move around also must burden other people to help me. I depend on other people for everything, I don't want to be a burden to other people. I don't want to live so long."

I'd try to retort: "But you cannot say like that what. When we were all young, our parents took care of us, and raised us, and we depended on them. They didn't think that we shouldn't be alive then, so why should you now?"


But it was never quite enough. It would be followed by a long and uneasy silence, and it's happened for the past 3 breakfasts (excluding today). And I must say that although some of my friends seem to think that my love tank is always on full, it was very empty last saturday. Even though I did go to my Grandma's house both for lunch and dinner, I avoided her gaze and didn't attempt to talk to her, as I usually would. I didn't want to be put in the position where I didn't know what to say.

Today however, Weng's presence made breakfast alot more lively. We managed to make her laugh a couple of times, after which having stayed for an hour, she began once again on the "no point for me to live" and the "I'm useless" rhetoric. This time however, apart from reacting as I always did with the same weak defence, Weng decided to take a more proactive approach to change her mindset. He mentioned a friend's brother who died young in an accident, and that brought to mind that we could not really decide how long we could live, but we could choose to make the best of the time we had. That calmed her down abit, but there was still a sad doubt in her eyes, that once again broke my heart.

Now I'm hoping that I can make this a larger affair for my cousins, to visit her for breakfasts and let her know that we treasure her presence and her time left. I guess I should be glad that there's at least 2 of us, even though the rest of them have got school or work and other commitments, I'm always hoping that this could be something bigger.

When I cycled home, the rain seemed to reflect my brooding mood from breakfast. Perhaps it was the regret that I had not spent more time talking to her, especially since she was very fluent in English but I never exploited this ease of communication; I had to take Canto classes at NYU in order to communicate better with my Mom's parents (with limited improvement), something way more difficult.

My mind raced back to Randy Pausch and Morrie Schwartz. Two people that will be remembered for having embraced death, and to have possessed an unwavering commitment to humanity, to teach, instruct, and live till it proved (for Morrie) or proves (for Randy) impossible. If only my Grandma were like that! At least I always thought she would be, until i realised not too long ago that she was indeed human still, and one with a failing memory. She cannot keep track of days, or thoughts: She'll speak, stop midsentence, and just hang there trying to remember what she wants to say. I know I do that occasionally, but I'm quite convinced my mind is still in good shape.

I wish I knew enough to write a glowing tribute to my Grandma, that she could know how I hold her in the greatest esteem for managing to raise 9 Kids out of poverty into the middle and upper-middle class, for her wisdom in other things, and most of all, for keeping the family, no matter how extended, close. I would like her to be present at my wedding (if I ever get married), and to see my kids and stuff. But a weathered body at 84 years doesn't wait too long for things to happen. Things are happening of their own accord, and I do fear that these things that happen will take their toll on her fragile frame quickly.


As long as being there with her makes her smile, it makes me feel that it would all be worth it.

I don't know what to do

I don't know what to do or think anymore. I don't want to think anymore.

Building habits.. or just things in random

first off i thought that i should mention that this is my 221th post. of course, not that it really means anything, but 221/3 years is about 1 post every 5 days on average. so considering i haven't really posted much in the last 1.5 years i really must have flooded this website with useless unforgettable anecdotes and some totally valueless opinions about unimportant events. lol that's me feeling small, which explains the lack of capitals in this entry. oh well its always fun to be idiosyncratic, isn't it?


been catching up with people, since there's been alot of drama going around. people closest to me i think u know whats going on. i guess its about being there for one another. alot of the time, it doesn't matter what you say. sometimes its just being there, being a listener, and caring. i'm learning to read, see, and listen between the lines. and i think i'm getting good at not talking. it's much easier to listen, and hold back what you say, because no one wants to hear it except yourself. and i can live with that =D i digress.

ok that was a little too random.

actually, i just want to say to those who are glad that i am back, believe me i am glad too, if not moreso. there's still time to catchup before i go back to new york.




so in these 2 weeks past i've met up with alot of people... lets see...
my cousins/aunts and uncles
nyu mates: desmond marcus wenen ade
4r/ri mates: khairil, teck wee, kelvin koh, haoxiang, elgin, choo, chiayi,
biz team people
etc: vivian, vivien, jd, zoe, kk, philbert
met some new people too: i forgot all their names =D

next week: looking forward to meeting 2 x graces + odac people


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i think life is about balancing relationships: your relationship with your family members, extended family members, gf/bf/spouse, brothers, the random wanderer (good friends that dont meet up much but will engage in deep and meaningful conversations), your relationship with your job/work/money, and of course health.

i think i'm enjoying life now: doing what needs to be done, and maintaining the relationships we need for a balanced life. i guess i always want more time to do everything but that's never going to come is it? everyone says: you can't find time, you gotta make it. now if only a day lasted 30 hours, i think that would suit me more because i find that i prefer to stay awake for more than 16 hours but i require about 8 hours of sleep to function... can't seem to shorten that cycle anyway so... guess i need coffee to replace sleep.

i was talking some time ago about sleep. we both agree that sleep is a blessing: to be able to fall asleep when your head touches the pillow, within a minute or less. i know i'm a famous sleeper. i brag about it sometimes... if you haven't any idea what i'm talking about i shall elaborate here:

1. i've fallen asleep outfield in a forward prone position while aiming rifle (at arbitrary targets)
2. i've fallen asleep right after having a large cup of coffee (in physics lecture, you can't blame me)
3. i've fallen asleep in lectures while writing/copying notes.. legible script becomes illegible scrawl, ending in a large ink blot
4. i've fallen asleep waiting for a dota game to start, waking up an hour after the game ended. in fact, i've fallen asleep ingame too, while farming
5. i've fallen asleep in an enclosed area (kinda like a void deck) while watching a liondance about 5 meters in front of me, drums and all
6. i've fallen asleep during a route march. i'd just walk... and slowly veer off the path, until someone pulls me back in line. repeat above mentioned scenario.
7. i've fallen asleep mid-sentence, while having a lengthy conversation face to face with a friend
8. i've fallen asleep with food in my mouth, while having dinner. i would then wake up, and sensing food in my mouth, continue to chew
9. i've fallen asleep while waiting for the traffic lights at a busy junction to change. when i woke up everyone was on the other side of the road looking at me
10. i've fallen asleep with my thighs and arms bruised from self inflicted wounds arising from the desire to stay awake... 5 seconds after i relax the pinch, i'm gone


some people have gone as far as to say i have fallen asleep in push-up position. that i don't remember, but i don't rule it out.

sooo.. back to the topic
sleep really is a blessing. i don't like going to bed until i know that i will concuss right after my head touches the bed... that is to say with 10 seconds grace. any longer and i will feel uneasy, and sometimes even irritated. i used to envy people who could stay awake no matter what if they wanted too. especially since i often miss many good points in lectures while playing chess with uncle zhou, or like in a cinema which i paid good money for a movie... sometimes i just cant help it. but if i could decide between having that ability to stay awake but forfeiting being able to sleep, i think i would choose sleeping. its really probably one of the wonders of the human body... when you sleep your body repairs itself, rejuvenates your mind, and actually helps you grow taller. i maintain i didn't sleep enough when i was younger =D

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so i wanted to talk abit about building habits, but i think its kinda late and i have to get up early for the stock market so i'll end shortly. perhaps just a word or two about building habits


1) it takes 21 days to make a habit, and less than 3 days to break it. and by habit, i mean things that you have to go out of your way to do. not like resting on a couch, or playing games

2) it has been said that many people who retire pass away within 2 years of retirement, especially because they have nothing more to look forward to, no sense of purpose. it seems that the brain is linked more closely to the body than we care to imagine, so please create some good habits to live for, since humans are creatures of routine. please make sure you love your routine, or else you're gonna suffer.

i think i like the one i'm living now.


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ps. i think i typed 3 capital letters in this post... can you find them?