Apprehension

Ever feel that sometimes life is overwhelming? That feeling where you're not sure you want to do what you're going to do because you don't know if it's the right thing to do. Or perhaps when you know that sometimes there isn't a back button you can press when things go wrong. Or like when each event ceases to be just part of preparation, like homework for a test.

I'm not sure i've ever felt completely ready for any big exam. Or any big competition. I've almost never had the thrill of doing a test and knowing i'll score full marks (and actually do so). In fact, it seems as if i might even actually have a phobia of exams.

Or any big event for that matter.

I remember the time i bowled for RI... I was kinda overwhelmed by the whole experience really. Played some of the worst games of my life to be honest. Guess i wasn't prepared for the experience at all. And to think i could play games averaging 150 after training, or when just bowling for fun.

The only gold medal i ever got in a competition was the long jump i did in primary 4. There was an event clash between the jump and some other heat, and so i went to the long jump late, took off my shoes (i used to run barefoot like the ethiopian runners you hear about) and took 2 jumps. No real pressure, and i took my jumps, and i collected my medals. Perhaps then every other big thing (especially academics), i've possibly underperformed or something.

Having been through the army, i think its strange how the army changes you. I think that most guys would agree with me here, that for all its supposed be, the army really isn't much, and doesn't offer much, but somehow it transforms boys to men. Yet somehow for that "waste" of 2 and a half years some guys are given responsibility for the lives of 28 other dudes. Some even more. Yet i wonder if its ever dawned on them that maybe they wouldn't be ready to go to war being responsible for the lives of their friends? That maybe one wrong call could be a costly mistake (think Iraq). That maybe the army kinda helps, but doesn't adequately or completely transform boys to men.

Now i'm at the end of my childhood, and i suppose i should be well equipped to handle the challenges of adult life, being done with army and all. But i still dread the possible effects of every wrong step. I could attribute this fear of failure to the govt: there was a time when failure was not an option, and i guess in a way its become entrenched in our society (thus the lack of entrepreneurs, yada yada). I could attribute it to my parents' taking such good care of me and being protective(like most others). Or i could attribute it to peer pressure to attain the academic perfection that my friends at school exhibit: I just want to do well like them.

I just hope i haven't fallen whithout knowing it.


Take my hand in the meantime;
Lets walk into the sunshine.