Lost Dreams

End of an Era

2010-10-24T13:41:00.003-04:00

So.

I've learnt a tremendous lot over these past 6 months... About life, love, loss and legen-wait for it-daryness.

I'd initially wanted to update more, but its getting late and I probably should exercise more discipline in observing proper rest and all. Will update more real soon, I promise. 2 months is way too long to not blog, especially since I'm using this blog as a tool for retrospection in the future.

Sleep well my bros and babes who actually do check here from time to time... <3

Poolside chilling

2010-08-11T13:24:00.002-04:00

Always enjoyed it, always will.

Backup plan: Hennessy.

I guess I wanted to write a bit more about how this year is a little bit different for me, but I'm not sure if what's going to be said has already been repeated ad infinitum. Oh well, lets see if I can make it concise.

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Ramadan: Special this year for me because it comes at a time when I really am at the crossroads of my life. I really am a happy go lucky person... Taking things as they come, and so far, its all been pretty good. Maybe I've made most of my own luck, but I cannot deny that my life has been blessed all this while, and it still is. Its just that this year I've seen more challenges being thrown my way... Challenges that will define who I am for the next decade or so. Or maybe 5 years, given how the rate of change of things has accelerated so quickly in recent times.

It's supposed to be a holy month. The month where Muslims around the world show their devotion to Allah: by means of prayer, fasting, the attempt to live a more righteous life. And I think its good--I am attempting to fast as well, though not from sunrise to sundown, but still--at least for me, I see this as a challenge to master my body's urges, from satisfying its basic needs (food and water) to other more carnal desires, and of course the desire for not so fresh air. For me, this attempt to control my hunger could possibly if not probably grow the discipline in myself to quit a vice I've succumbed to for quite awhile, and all for the better. There really isn't a good argument in continuing it, because we all know of the associated risks involved with this activity.

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I'm finding my way through this uncertainty
No comforts I've received should be granted unto me
For what I do not deserve, I should not take
And love should no longer feed the lazy

Excellence is desired, revered, an end state
Mediocrity is tolerated, but nevertheless lame
If I should be so talented,
Is my life then nothing but a shame?

It may seem too late to change my ways
Of sloth, nonchalance, and the unwillingness to be
But hard work is the price I must pay
If I should ever want to be free.

Time For Contemplation

2010-08-10T14:18:00.002-04:00

I had a good time up in KL this long national day weekend. For photo updates, just check my fb page, I'm now called Fa Kinster Powers on FB, by the way. Had a good catchup with cuz becs, and chilled out with my homies, you know who you are. What I did regret about the trip though, was the time to really think about things in solitude. As much as some things should be thought out with the counsel of friends, there are other things that need to be thought out in solitude, hence the desire to vanish... Or at least be in partial isolation from my comforts (especially people).

There were a lot of good takeaways from the trip. Amongst them include a nice pair of Adidas shoes, some nice massages... Heh no seriously, I think it was good to realise that between this trip and the last, rather important was that I was far less emo this time around. Moving on is always a good thing where there no longer exists a reality worth looking back at. I also did find good company (I always do from this group of people) and share a good number of jokes... (Brain erections, anyone?)

But more importantly, I unearthed the desire to make more of myself than I was.

I thought about who I am as an individual and who I am in a group setting. What is it about me that makes my presence welcome? What is it that I contribute? To my dismay I realised that I don't contribute enough for myself to value my own presence. Will I do anything about it? I don't know yet, but I sure hope that my company is welcome and appreciated. Hence I shall strive to be a better person as a whole... That I may contribute more where I can.

Since leaving school, I've consciously endeavoured to enrich the lives of those I interact with. Whether by making them laugh and entertaining them or to offer a different perspective on a variety of issues, important or otherwise, I believe still, that time spent in the company of others should be productive, whether in a physical or emotional sense. That does seem to satisfy the purpose of meeting up, doesn't it?

I've discovered about myself the fact that I don't relish planning. I think of myself as a spontaneous individual... Doing things because I can or because I feel like it. Of course, I've also come to know that planning is vital for a smoother journey through life, but it doesn't change my desire to not be involved in planning. Unfortunately, planning is part of contribution especially in group activities, such as that group trip to KL. How else can I contribute then?

Or maybe I just need time away from large group settings. I've found myself becoming more reticent these days. Perhaps its that I no longer have the need to be occupied from emo thoughts. Or perhaps its that I really need some time alone to contemplate what it is from life that I want. Good company is always appreciated, but not always needed, or wanted for that matter.

I think I've figured out what I want from life. Unfortunately this purpose that I've found isn't one that can be forced or dictated on my terms. It comes when it does, and there's only so much I can do to achieve that directly. More importantly, I should be focusing my time and effort on the things that I need in place when this purpose arrives in my life. I need to improve my lifeskills: managing my personal finances well, managing my health well, interacting with friends and more importantly family, managing my time well, finding the motivation to get all the facets of my life straight. Perhaps right now it's not so much finding the things to do that give me purpose, but also finding purpose in the things I am doing. Why am I doing this? Why am I doing that? What purpose do I find in these things I do? Is there a point in continuing to spend time and effort and money on these things?

I've always appreciated the people in my life. Signposts toward life with a bigger purpose... life with more meaning? Hmm I don't quite know how to put this point across (I blame my degenerating brain), but in essence I don't think I thank these people enough. Well for the shy me, I just want to shout out here that I thank YOU. Don't talk to me about this if you meet me, just know that I feel gratitude towards you, and let that be enough.

Ok, well besides this trip, what else is new? Oh not much, just...

hmm. I don't really want to write anymore now. Its quite about time I went to bed. We'll see what comes next, I think I need to update more. Or at least attempt to verbalise my thoughts, whether in print or prose.

Goodnight, fickle world.
(and maybe the world is fickle only because I am)

Cat Physics

2010-07-27T04:09:00.002-04:00

iphone users, go download cat physics, an iphone game that's free! I find it more fun than most games around... and there's a good puzzle factor. Only problem is that its only 50 levels.

So here's something I found about Cat Physics.
********************************************

Those of us in association with cats know that cats are excellent demonstration sof physics, although some laws of cats physics apply ONLY to cats.

Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force – such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

Law of Cat Magnetism
All dark clothing attracts cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric and lightness of the cat.

Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved, and as comfortable as possible for the cat.

Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any counter top that has anything remotely interesting on it.

Law of Cat Obstruction
A cat must lay on the floor in such a position to obstruct the maximum amount of human foot traffic.

Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

Law of Bag/Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

Law of Cat Landing
A cat will always land in the softest place possible; often the mid- section of an unsuspecting, reclining human.

Law of Fluid Displacement
A cat immersed in milk will displace her own volume, minus the amount of milk consumed.

Law of Cat Disinterest
A cat’s interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

Law of Pill Rejection
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

Law of Cat Composition
A cat is composed of Matter + Anti-Matter + It Doesn’t Matter

Stolen From http://bogieblog.typepad.com who stole it from
http://mostlycajun.com/wordpress/

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It's been such a long time

2010-07-26T21:42:00.005-04:00

Think I should be going
And time doesn't wait for me, it keeps on rollin....

Boston - Long Time/Foreplay

So it's been years since I last blogged proper, really. But in the interest of maintaining my sanity, reflective ability, and just to keep a log of the person I am today, I've decided to carry on like a wayward son till I lay my weary head to rest.

I don't even really know what to talk about or how to blog anymore. Blogging seems like such an ancient art. I mean, today web-art falls mainly in 2 categories: Short statuses/tweets, or youtube videos like Peter Chao. Where does blogging stand in the scheme of things? Nobody has the time or the patience to wade through long ramblings of a weak mind trying to solve an endless puzzle. I shall however attempt to rediscover the lost art of blogging. At least what passes for blogging on this webpage, at the very least.

No pictures needed here anymore because Facebook has all of them. I was considering tracking my life blogging through the "notes" function on Facebook instead of coming back to this old site, but then I am after all, a sentimental fool. Perhaps I'll add one or two just to make the post appear less verbose =D

So... If you should somehow be on this page, whether you know me or not, this is how I used to look.

And below is a picture of how I look now.

Haha ok rather that's how I'm going to look, more or less, come end october. HUSKAR ftw! That also pretty much explains why I have a mohawk in the first place.

On a more serious note, I think I really am in the midst of fighting a crisis... the famous new quarter life crisis. It almost feels like I'm living in limbo. Things don't seem real but they feel real. Or was it the other way around? Well either way time seems to have slowed down... I can almost savour every moment as it passes... Especially when music and company coincide. However, it all rushes by. It's like being in a dream in a dream looking back at reality and seeing how slowly time moves... When in fact it passes so fast it's like a lifetime in limbo passing in a few hours of sleep. Yeah, Inception was a good movie.

Granted, I've got a good life. That I cannot deny. But the biggest enemy of a great life is a good life, and that's what makes me dissatisfied. When you have a good life you lose the drive and motivation to get a great life.

Last night we had a conversation at Arab about motivating forces... Fear and Self Actualisation... And I realised my brain hasn't been used for way too long. Hence, I'm blogging again... to be able to find the words I want to use when I want to use them, to analyse and dissect arguments, or perhaps present them in different light. Be twisty.

Okay this has been long enough I think since I started writing this about half an hour ago I think. Woohoo blogging during work time =D Cheers folks, lets see how long I can keep this up =D

Starry Nights

2009-08-12T05:00:00.000-04:00

The stormy weather was a nuisance to everyone. Patience wore thin in my apartment, tested by the whispering wind that whistled through the cracks in the building structure. The heater was down, and the only thing keeping the apartment toasty was an assortment of hot tempers and a can of coffee powder, the aroma of which permeated each room of my cold abode. The coffee kept my nerves twisted at the ends, zapping each synapse in my brain with an excessive charge for every thought that came to mind, the feeling of which was comparable to sitting on an electric chair with faulty wiring—an initial jolt of pain, followed by a heightened state of self-consciousness. It was coffee that kept me alive in college, that kept me company in obscene hours late at night, and that uncompromisingly worked its way into my life in the same way the internet had. For all its advantages, the downside to it was simply negligible in comparison. The coffee kept my eyes open in class, but sedated every cell that constituted my brain. I hated coffee. It was essentially a superficial drug, a miracle drug that extended working capacity (or the looks of it), for the sake of working more, doing more, and being more. Yet, it was and still is an integral part of my college life, as it fuels the energy to satisfy my need to be more than myself. It was coffee that gave my roommates and me the strength to look charming, think quick, react fast, and carry ourselves well. We consumed coffee like a designer drug and used it like mascara and foundation, to highlight the beautiful side of ourselves. We needed it to be beautiful in our own right. We still do.
Humans are social beings. We look for trends in fashion, buy magazines to check out the latest styles, work out at the gym for the ever elusive abdominal six-pack , and spend countless hours on personal grooming, all just to look good in the eyes of other people. We spend billions of dollars annually on cosmetic surgery, diet formulas, spa treatments and beauty products, all in the name of looking good, sometimes for the love of our lives, and sometimes for total strangers on the streets. Teenagers aspire to be as sexy as Angelina Jolie and as timeless as Audrey Hepburn, as slim as Kate Moss and as radiant as Beyonce, all in the name of beauty.
But why the need for beauty? Alice Walker in her essay Beauty: When the Other Dancer is the Self recollects the story of her ugly past, where the loss of sight in one eye to an unfortunate accident paints a clear picture of the need for beauty in individuals. It was not being blind in one eye that was her grievance, but rather the hideous imprint of white scar tissue on it that served as a haunting reminder of her lack of physical beauty. One night after her cousin visits, she verbalizes her thoughts of her disability with “I do not pray for sight. I pray for beauty (Walker, Encounters pg 621).” It was shocking at first, the seeming lack of depth in her thinking. What in the world was this shallow girl thinking? To desire image more than functionality; it was tantamount to owning a Ferrari that didn’t work, as long as it served its purpose by looking magnificent in the garage.
Society however, has conditioned every one of us to be self-conscious. In our early childhood, we are conditioned to believe girls should look like princesses and Barbie dolls, while boys should be strong and macho like Prince Charming or G.I. Joe. “Don’t cry,” my mother told me, “or you won’t look handsome, and no one will want you.” I grew up with these words in mind, taking care not to fall into the trap of looking ugly in front of others lest I become a pariah, just like Walker did in school. Her eye brought her more than taunts and troubled stares. It brought her an ‘F’ in confidence, after which other aspects of her life tumbled down like falling dominoes. These repercussions in the mental and emotional states of individuals exhibiting physical disfigurement have not occurred by chance. It is primarily the inability to fit in with the social norm of being healthy, full-bodied individuals that has plagued them with a strong sense of discontentment and even self-hatred. The breaking down of self-worth in these individuals is thus a direct result of not just being different, but being ugly.
Schools worldwide are innocent vectors of society’s unjust expectations of beauty from each individual. Students from Tokyo to Tuscaloosa are invariably classified as ‘Cheerleaders and Jocks’ or ‘Nerds and Geeks’ among countless other labels in an insidious attempt to promote the beautiful, the cool and the successful as objects of public admiration and emulation. These social divisions carry on in each individual’s psyche after graduation, perpetuating well into their working lives. Corporations look out for the suave and the sassy as the face of their companies, just as in the movie American Beauty two competing real estate agents believe that to succeed they must live by the maxim: “One must portray an image of success at all times.” Millions of working class people embrace the effects of coffee in an effort to beautify their image as organizational assets by prolonging their ability to remain productive when otherwise ineffective. The ability of coffee to rejuvenate the tired body has found its way in the drive for beauty in personal perfection, where it functions as another tool to propagate the image of success.
The curse of a lack of beauty can be overturned when the individual is able to surmount the stigma of his own physical imperfection. The movie Gattaca concludes with the implicit definition of beauty stemming not from the physical perfection of the ‘genetically optimized’ humans, but from the triumph of ordinary humans in overcoming their personal imperfections, seen when the lead character Vincent, swam faster than his genetically perfected companion despite being of ‘inferior’ genes. There is not one successful Paralympian that did not suffer mocking insults from the man in the street, but we see the beauty in their triumph, the triumph of the human spirit over physical disability and disfigurement. It is most unfortunate that many of the disabled do not possess hearts brave enough for the struggle to find truth in their own beauty, instead faltering like falling stars in the paths of their lives, succumbing to their disabilities as victims of societal abuse.

The extent of this beautiful disease has its roots owing to the innate desire to procreate. The laws of natural selection wired the human brain to desire traits in the opposite sex exhibiting fertility and health or the ability to provide, in order to ensure the survival of the family line. Well proportioned men with larger frames and muscular structure exhibited the ability to protect the familial unit and hunt for food, whilst women with shapely hips and well groomed features like shiny hair and clean features subconsciously spelt fertility and health, and the ability to care for the family. These subconscious definitions of beauty have found their way into modern society, albeit a little modified by thousands of years of cultural influences.
Although the social notions of a desirable partner have progressed with the advent of technology, certain desirable traits like a lean body or long healthy hair have remained despite their loss of relevance in providing for the family. Ladies continue to prefer relatively well built guys with washboard abdominals despite the lack of relevance of these characteristics in bread winning or territorial possession in the age of computers and paper warfare. Similarly, the disabled and the disfigured have continued to be seen as the ‘shame’ of human civilization. Hitler tried to administer large scale euthanasia for the physically and mentally disabled during the Third Reich, as they were far from being ‘perfect humans’ and held no beauty in his eyes. In Biblical times as portrayed in the movie Ben Hur, lepers were exiled as they were too ‘dangerous’ to be helped, and the loss of their appendages was too ugly to bear in a society that has continued to value physical beauty over mental ingenuity. With all these in mind, people have come to regard beauty as a trait as important as intelligence and character in the selection of a partner.
This social poison has benefited the cosmetics and accessories industries at the expense of our personal health. With many people willing to bear with self-inflicted torture for the sake of ‘style’ or beauty, manifesting itself in the form of corsets in Europe and bound feet in China, or high-heeled shoes (which upsets the natural balance of the body and exerts excessive stress on the calves and lower back) as a latter-day example, it is glaringly frightening how physical beauty has become an unspoken evil that has influenced everyone in their judgment of anything and everything. Many people have been tortured indirectly by the quest for acceptance by becoming beautiful, as seen in the swelling numbers of people affected by anorexia nervosa and bulimia; these are people who feel the overwhelming desire to be slim so as to look more attractive and thus feel more accepted by society.

Amy Tan analyzes the role of society and its judgments on the individual in her essay Mother Tongue, which initially criticizes her mother’s non-conforming, unbeautiful, fragmented, ‘broken’ English. Yet, upon careful consideration and retrospect, Tan came to see the beauty in the imperfect English that her mother spoke, and has successfully incorporated elements of her ‘mother tongue’ into award-winning pieces of literature as seen in The Joy Luck Club. Similarly, the role of society in determining what is beautiful today is overwhelming; yet we must try to exercise to the furthest extent the opinion of love and reason as the judge of beauty. There is beauty in the imperfect, especially in the perfection of their efforts to explore and expose their inner beauty. Helen Keller is one such individual who, guided by the love of her family and her teacher Sullivan, became the best that she could be. Just like Walker, Keller was distraught at the loss of her senses and beauty at a young age. Yet she was able to overcome the obstacles of being both blind and deaf with the help of patience and love. Such is the beauty that is in her.
Thus it is evident the role love and family plays in every individual’s definition of beauty. In American Beauty, Jane, the very ordinary daughter in a dysfunctional family experiences conflict in her perceived definition of beauty. The movie starts out with her believing in the words of her ‘beautiful’ friend, Angela: “There is nothing worse than being ordinary” and goes on to reveal her desire to be more beautiful when she explores the option of external beautification by the process of breast augmentation, despite her evidently ample bosom. It is evident how the lack of closeness within her family shows the lack of support necessary for her to come to terms with her ‘ordinary’ body as perceived by society and be beautiful in her own way, whereas in Beauty, Walker has the benefit of her family’s encouragement in the repeated assurances of “You did not change” (Walker, Encounters pg 621), and eventually betters her position after coming to terms with her own beauty after an eye operation.

The role of beauty in society does not limit itself to the individual: the advent of modern technology in genetic engineering and medical advancement has opened many a Pandora’s Box as to the morality of life. Should we be allowed to play God with our offspring, selecting physical and perceived behavioral traits within each embryo to our desired configuration and notion of beauty? Should parents be given the power to decide the fate of an unborn child should the child be afflicted with physical or mental disfiguration? The role of society in the fate of every individual can exact a massive amount of pressure on parents-to-be in decision making for their unborn children. Is it ethically sound for parents to decide on the separation of conjoined twins for reasons of beautification, additionally so if the separation of the twins results in a higher chance for life threatening complications to occur? The decision to take the risk may at first glance seem purely superficial, yet we seldom recognize that possessing a more beautiful appearance could be the ticket to a better life for the child, as compared to a life full of rude stares, pointing fingers and rejection.
Similarly, is it acceptable for us all to take for granted the works of beauty spawning from the talents of artists suffering from various mental maladies such as manic depression? Masterpieces of art in every form have come from mentally ‘unbeautiful’ persons, but should we expect them to pay the price for society’s appreciation of beauty? For much of the 16th to 19th centuries, depressed artists and musicians suffered under the pressures of conformist society, due to a lack of research and understanding of depression and other mental illnesses. Yet, their works of expression represent beauty in its raw form; unbridled, passionate, and magical, like a shooting star singing in the midst of a symphony of a starry starry night. This duality serves to accentuate the hypocrisy of shallow beauty against the purity of experiencing genuine beauty. Ultimately, the choice for pursuit of genuine beauty belongs to the artist, but in the words of Kay Redfield Jamison, a victim and researcher of bi-polar disorder: “I honestly believe that as a result of it I have felt more things, more deeply; had more experiences, more intensely; loved more, and have been more loved; laughed more often for having cried more often; appreciated more the springs, for all the winters…” We are thus led to understand better another role of beauty in society in a novel way, by the dedication of the imperfect in seeking genuine beauty.
Ultimately where beauty is contrived, shallow beauty does serve to set an easier standard for living by convincing society that beauty is but a target defined by changing trends in general perception, whereas the strife for genuine beauty and meaning has been known to be the cause of death for some of those in its pursuit. Don McLean could not have been more succinct when he sang in Starry Starry Night, “but I could have told you Vincent, this world was never made for one as beautiful as you.”

28/3--08/4

2009-04-07T22:43:00.001-04:00

unalone-abalone
soalone-telephone

Life gets interesting

2009-03-20T00:57:00.001-04:00

Time passes

2009-03-16T14:37:00.002-04:00

Yes time passes fast.

What's been up?

1. Improved in floorball.
2. Regular dota sessions.
3. Stock market improving: that makes me a happy trader.
4. Life is beautiful again with music. Search Sha Na Na on youtube. Love their rendition of blue moon.
5. Life is just beautiful. BEAU-TI-FUL!

Depressing conditions

2009-03-09T00:12:00.003-04:00

Its a beautiful monday morning, but it seems the rain was an indicator for falling stock prices in Singapore today. Even though the Dow Jones Index usually affects the opening prices of stocks in Singapore, the STI opened at -5 points despite the Dow's 30 point gain last friday, falling to -30 points around lunchtime.

Guess the rainy conditions are a reflection of my mood, and that of the financial climate in Singapore.

Disclaimers

2009-03-05T01:07:00.001-05:00

So today I found out that the origin of the word Chauvinism comes from this French dude Chauvin who was fanatically devoted to Napoleon Bonaparte. From the original meaning, which is fanatical patriotism to a country/leader, today's definition is "an extreme and unreasoning partisanship on behalf of a group to which one belongs, especially when the partisanship includes malice and hatred towards a rival group". Or more commonly in male chauvinism, which is the belief that men are superior to women. 'MCP' is a tag to used to describe men who believe or display an attitude that women are inferior to men, speak to women as inferiors, or treat women negatively based solely upon their gender.

Guess I don't think of JD as a chauvinist anymore.

Janice. Hilarious

2009-03-04T03:05:00.000-05:00

Kin Foong - Suppertime says:
so how would u describe me?

Janice L [ a simple girl ] says:
so far.. a gentleman who is more a thinker than alcoholic though you like to blur the lines at times..

I still think JD got the worse deal:

Janice L [ a simple girl ] says:
though jd is easiest to describe..
Janice L [ a simple girl ] says:
among all my friends
Kin Foong - Suppertime says:
mm?
Kin Foong - Suppertime says:
chauvinist through and through?
Kin Foong - Suppertime says:
haha
Janice L [ a simple girl ] says:
ambitious mcp

Ha Ha Ha. Mr Unromantic

2009-03-04T02:32:00.001-05:00

Janice L [ a simple girl ] says:
nope.. i love cakes of all types

Janice L [ a simple girl ] says:
over tealights.. nice nice

Kin Foong - Suppertime says:
haha

Kin Foong - Suppertime says:
so romantic eh

Janice L [ a simple girl ] says:
that depends on the crowd right? with jaydee around.. hard for any romance.. keke

Kin Foong - Suppertime says:
haha

Kin Foong - Suppertime says:
tsk tsk what would he say if i posted this on my blog

Janice L [ a simple girl ] says:
nothing.. coz he knows i speak the truth.. kekeke

Home

2009-03-02T12:08:00.002-05:00

Its nice being back in Singapore, but there's some things that I still need to get used to.

1. Somehow staying at home the whole day makes me feel shitfaced. unless its a sunday

2. I miss Pandora sooo much.

3. Lack of people to go out with. Currently my outings are limited to Dota with Imran, Zhafri and co, suppers with Fiona/JD/Weng. And maybe the occasional meetup with other friends

4. Truly having time alone. Having a place of my own

Time has passed but some things still hurt

2009-03-01T15:19:00.002-05:00

I think most of you who know me well would know me as someone who deals with the hurt, puts it away, and hopefully looks back and smiles/laughs at how the past was different; that we have changed with time, that these are now fond memories that have changed us--for better or for worse, we have changed nonetheless.

I had a 4 hour chat earlier with a dear friend from the past, and we spent a good part of that time talking about the past, and how things have changed for us. A good other part of the time was spent debating stuff, mostly trivial with regard to ourselves, and we found out through these unstructured debates that we really have changed, and that somehow interaction with each other was still different from that which we have with other people.

I thought it would be ok to venture back into the past and laugh about it; we did, in fact, but the part that bugs me is that I never really had full closure about the whole thing, as I had earlier believed until the past got dredged up--my fault, I like reminiscing.

Do I still feel hurt? Nope. Do I wish I hadn't brought it up? Nope. Did it hurt? Yeah. Do I regret anything about the call? Nope.

Guess its just part of growing up, moving on, and taking things in stride.

Nothing to talk about

2009-02-17T15:39:00.002-05:00

Guys forget painful memories by compartmentalising. They deal with it by putting it aside on a shelf, almost never talking about it, then slowly let the dusts of time settle all over it, hoping that someday it will be obscured, forgotten, decomposed...

But they never really forget about it. It becomes a part of them, carried along the passage of time, deep in their bones. And they change forever, whether they realise it or not.

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JD says that heavy drinkers tend to prefer white wines to red wines. He has a couple of examples, and so do I. I do believe however, that its untrue--but have no examples to back me up. Anyone?

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Found on a classroom table in RI years ago: Sex is bad, sex is sin. Sins are forgiven, so sex is in.

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If I should come to have my own place one day (which I certainly hope I do), I would like to have a Scottish Fold cat and a Mini Schnauzer. No dog right now can really replace Fuzzy, whom I love lots, but once a Schnauzer owner, always a Schnauzer owner. I pay more attention to my dog than my mom. And that's not very good.

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I would rather die younger than live to a ripe old age fraught with disability, inconvenience, and the pain of restricted freedom and dignity. Perhaps that explains the way I live my life. Whether or not I still think like that 40 years down the road remains to be seen.

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Parents should never have to bury their children. That is how life should be. Grieving is done by the young for the old, who have to pass on. Having it the other way is just a tragedy, no matter how you see it.

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This seems to be a better collection of random thoughts than my '25 random things' entry on Facebook.

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Axe: You really know what burns my ass? A flame about this high.
SF: *ring* Hello? For the last time, I am a dreadlord, not a druglord!

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I have to sleep earlier.

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Looking forward to a KTV session with an old friend. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

***********

Ah Pek with no tattoos

What's been on my mind?

2009-02-15T14:27:00.006-05:00

So. I haven't decided what I want to blog about yet, but I decided it's about time to do so, since its 3:30am and I'm waiting for my hair to dry out. Just went out with Imran and Zhafri, and we had a very informative (for me at least) dinner over chicken rice at Prinsep St. The topic of conversation was Islam and religious beliefs in general, and I guess I inferred some secrets about life from these two wise men.

I've also had a lot of food for thought lately. I'm not sure I want to go into everything in detail, but I'll just give some updates about what's been up. And to make it less boring and wordy, I'll insert some random pictures to spruce up the plain pages of this blog.

It's true what I've previously said about mambo. Its about the music, but more importantly, it's the company. Last wednesday I went with my Sister and her bf to mambo, and though the music was good, let's just say i was a tad lonely. I'm not much of a dancer though I aspire to be a mambo King, and neither am I the most friendly/ballsy dude in town. So it was one of those self-reflection moments with dance music in the background. Or foreground, in this case. Not to say that they don't make for good company, but mambo is better attended in groups.

I've decided to take a step forward to deciding what I want. I've decided not to look for a job for the time being, but spend some time looking at the stock market instead. There's opportunities everywhere, and the stock market happens to be a good one at this point in time. So many good stocks are undervalued because of the poor global economic situation, so it's a good time for investors to step in. Warren Buffett was criticized for not participating in the 'tech stock rush' of 2000-2001. When that bubble burst, the genius promptly went in and swept up other stocks at discount prices. I can't say it's the best decision I've ever made, and neither is it the worst, but it's definitely a risky business for a fresh grad. Lets just hope I make something of this episode, and hopefully it will be a long long one.

I've also been reconnecting with some friends that I haven't communicated with for a while. And all that only serves to remind me why we were friends in the first place, and sometimes, really good friends at that too. If there's one thing I'm sure about what makes life meaningful to me, it's finding out who your friends are, and spending time together regardless of activity. As I've said many times (to those who chill with me), oftentimes it's not what you're doing, but who you're with that makes the difference. That also sums up why I see myself as a up-and-coming ah-pek. I figure one of the activities I enjoy most is sitting at a kopitiam over a couple of beers and maybe chicken wings or bakchormee and stingray, chatting with people that mean something to me.

I have been trying to get my fitness back. I just find it hard to cut down on food, so I'd better step up on the exercise. Played floorball with Imran and friends on Saturday, and now my whole body is aching. No regrets though, it was fun and I intend to make it a regular Saturday activity of mine. I ran a short distance last week, and I regret to say that it was the only time this month that I ran, despite declaring my intention to run a marathon in May. I know I probably won't be fit enough by then, but if there's a time to start exercising, now is probably a good time.

Valentine's has come and gone, and it's been my first one single since 2002. Hmm 7 years already eh, and despite my disdain for commercialized events, it felt somewhat different. Perhaps a little lonely, despite the fact that I met over 10 new faces, and 15 old ones that day. I guess there's a reason why we set aside a day to commemorate the joys of being with someone you love, who knows your heart, and who loves you too. Cynics may cry out, "Its a day where people who are single are pressured to make something happen with someone else, by spending loads on a bouquet, a stuffed toy, or an expensive dinner", and though perhaps I feel that I should be doing one of those said things, its not because I think its the right thing to be doing on such a day, but rather because its a day when I know I will be thinking about how lucky I am to have such a person in my life (not that I never think about it until V-day), and I would love to show my appreciation for the person.

It's also the first V-day since 2006 that I haven't spent with Soumi, Grace, Ian, and Cliff. Somehow or other even when I was attached, I did always have a V-day dinner with them (maybe a day late or something), and that's something I know I will miss in the future. Cliff's in Tokyo, Ian in New York, Soumi and Grace in Singapore. Not so easy to meet, eh. I miss those days.

I received 3 letters a couple of days before. Been a long time since I've got mail in Singapore, and I got 3 in a day! Wow! So I opened the first one. Sender: SDU. Ok. Second one, sender: SDU. Third one, sender: SDU. Ok ok, I get the hint... My dad, who was sitting next to me when I opened the mail, remarked that I could just ignore it, but he thought I was attached. Upon letting him know of my somewhat recent return to singlehood, he told me to go for it -__-''' Whether or not I go will thus depend on 2 factors: 1. My recently single friend goes (in which case I will, since if everyone at these events are really losers then at least I have someone to talk to), and 2. If I'm actually in the mood to get to know new people. If my journey into the stock market becomes a long term thing, then I suppose I really will have to find some way to get to know new people since I see myself being happily married with kids sometime in the future.

I also killed about 3,000 zombies playing Left 4 Dead with some friends yesterday. Exciting game, but the novelty wears off after awhile. If I were to really encounter such zombies in real life, I figure I'd be dead in less than 5 minutes in, unless I hide in a metal box or row a boat out to sea, where sharks or zombie fish would probably get me eventually, maybe in a week or two.

I got a new desk chair! *Happy*

I'm worried for my sister. Things are about to change over the next week, and I hope she will be able to handle the challenges that these new developments will bring.

I'm not so worried for my other sister. She's applying for grad school, and though the road is tough, she's capable, intelligent, and basically a good catch for any grad school, imo.

I'm worried for my grandma. She's been the topic of a couple of posts in the previous months, and though she doesn't seem to be getting healthier, at least nowadays she's more awake when I go spend time with her. Just that her being awake makes her grumpier, but I go because she's happy to see me. That thought alone is enough, even if not much conversation passes between us.

I need to pack up my room, possibly repaint it, and probably rearrange the furniture in it.

I love my dog, but I think she's a little miffed at me because nowadays I don't play with her as much. I still give her doggie massages though, and I know she likes them. I wish she could massage me back. Especially now when I'm aching from floorball. Ugh 4:30. Definitely time to sleep. Tomorrow will be an exciting day.

XOXO
Sg's #1 Ah-Pek wannabe

Updates and Reminisces

2009-01-29T17:40:00.002-05:00

So its been a really long time since I blogged proper, and so many things have happened since then: foremost on my mind is still the passing of my friend Joshua-- a tragedy I have yet to come to terms with. Also, happy 2009! And of course, Happy Chinese New Year everyone, Gong Hei Fatt Choy! I attended 2 weddings, my cousin Kay and my cousin Ying got married within 2 weeks of each other... So exciting! A wedding dinner I can actually remember attending. Well, it was nice seeing them so pretty and happy, but I found out it's more stressful than anything, seeing as ROM is usually done before that, and it's pretty much just for traditional custom's sake to have the proper Chinese wedding.

I don't have my camera with me: or at least I have refused to bring it with me for quite awhile already, as you loyal readers have found out (or new readers will come to learn), since I actually sometimes find it stressful to carry the camera around. And also, I don't like using Olympus cameras (which is the camera we have at home). So... Too bad, no wedding photos here.

So what have I been doing lately now that I'm back in Singapore for good (in the forseeable future)?

Well, I've been catching up with family mainly, and just hanging out with some buddies. Some more than others, since I have a cashflow problem right now: I need to boost my cashflow in, and/or minimise my cashflow out. And some friends just live too far away and only have time at night... Which means expensive cabfares =( so I meet them less.

I've played mahjong with family, quite alot. Am getting better, but still need to adapt to the 3 player Msia/Sg version that they now play. I've also cut down on alot of things, DotA being one of them. I guess it's a good time to let it go, it's ceased to be a good way to keep in touch with certain friends... For now I don't play at home anymore, just at lan shops if my friends call me out for it.

Who have I met up with?

Well, mainly my family (incl cousins in msia: esp Becks and Ken, miss u guys), JD and frenz, Weng and frenz, Zoe, Khairil Imran Khenghui and other RI time people, Houston, Biz ppl once, Keane once, Study group once (twice by this weekend!), Huishan once, mm that seems to be about it. Oh and Sgt Alvin once.

Whats up?

So, just the day before, something got me thinking about relationships and how they've progressed... or rather, how the relationships in my life have influenced me and made me who I am. It so happened that earlier that day I had chanced upon a bag of notes/letters: some were courtship note replies, and some were just platonic (at the time), and some were full-fledged love letters =D

So I started reading, and I didn't really stop till I had finished them all. Some things I found out surprised me:

For one, I just realized that I actually used to be more attractive somewhat... Not just being BHB here but that there's something in me that I used to have that is no longer present. I'll knock your head if you're thinking "KF's virginity!" Perhaps it's my optimism, my innocence, my lameness... no wait it's still present... perhaps my heart has changed?

And I think it has. Hmm Its 7:30 am and I'm not sure where I should go from here, but let this be the resurrection of a more reflective me, and more reminiscing to come.

Yours Truly,
Singapore AhPek ex-Beng #1

Rest Well Joshua

2009-01-15T13:15:00.002-05:00

You will be remembered.

Abstruse?

2008-11-28T04:41:00.005-05:00

Well I don't know if I really am that abstruse; I've always considered myself someone who's easy to understand. Or at least maybe to myself. All you need to understand me is a little bit of humour, the ability to tolerate lameness and cornyness, as well as a certain degree of quirkyness. There are times when I don't understand myself and why I do certain things: I either take that to mean that I'm changing, or I just succumb to the random course of action when I can't be bothered to think through what I'm doing. Just go with the flow and be at one with the world.

I've been a little out of sorts lately, doing impulsive things that I wouldn't otherwise do. Oh well or at least, didn't have the opportunity before. Freedom is great, but everyone knows freedom isn't free at all. I only wonder now if the price I will pay for my freedom is far greater than what I have to pay for it.

So I'm on a short trip to D.C for the Thanksgiving weekend, and I had a round of mahjong with my kakis. And guess what? I got a 十三么 first round. Hooray me!

Hmm I see my thoughts flying around the room, but I really can't care enough to sort them out. But as I was saying, I've been a little out of sorts. And its probably because I don't know where I am right now. I am in a state of limbo right now--neither here nor there. Neither happier nor sadder. But always more worried. For myself and the people around me.

I guess I really am more complicated than I make myself out to be. I'd like to think that I'm a simple person with simple desires, and that's what I really do see when I look in the mirror. A very average person with some quirks. Strange ideas and how to bring them to fruition.
--I see myself as an AhPek. Someone who takes himself for who he is and what he likes to do. Someone who values family and the friends he has. Someone who delights in the simple joys that life brings: good food, some drinks, and quality time chatting (not to mention lanning, mahjong, and the like).

I don't think I have huge dreams. I suppose that that's a sure way to hit the tree trunk, but then again, what's life really about? I don't think I want to spend my life shooting for the stars, when the real stars in my life slowly fall down from the sky as I pass them by. That may be a really slack way to think about things, but then again I think I'm growing too fast for my own good.

Anywho. If you're in Singapore in December/Jan, facebook me or something we should meet up. =D

Feeling the need for Censorship

2008-11-24T02:46:00.002-05:00

I think I've figured out why I haven't blogged for so long. It's because I believe perhaps my life is to risque: and all the fun stuff that I have been doing that I want to blog about, I have to keep under wraps. Thus, no posts!

Well there's something I do have to mention today though: Yesterday I was playing mahjong with some of my Kakis that I mentioned earlier, and I got a 大三元 that was also a 混一九 or 混清老头 ... Quite amazing, that one considering its probably rarer to get than 十三么. That's probably the highlight of my mahjonging next to my 绿一色 that I got last year.

So I'm in Cornell now. Just to see some snow cos it might not snow in New York, and there's just something peaceful about seeing a suburban town covered in a thin blanket of white snow. Even though I hate being cold/out in the cold, this is something I know I will miss right when I set foot in Changi Airport again.

Anyways will try to update more, and thanks for the comments: it's just amazing how people still remember this address... *KF exposes his thick skin*

<3 you long time!

Too Long

2008-11-17T18:46:00.002-05:00

Its been 4 months since I last updated, so I guess that makes me a horrible person. So many things have happened since then. For one, I'm single as of 11 Nov. For another, I really really love playing mahjong with my Kakis at Stuyvesant town. No pictures yet, I don't have a camera and I'm way to lazy to import pictures from Facebook. Even though I guess I should.

Thanksgiving is coming and I'm not really going anywhere.. Maybe to Cornell just to get some quiet away from the city and explore the college town life that I never got to have.

School is about to come to a close for me and I don't know who what or where I'll be working (for/as/at). I guess it'll take some time for me to figure that out. Meanwhile, I should try to enjoy my last month and a half here right? While making sure I score well for my classes, of course.

I don't know why I don't blog anymore. Maybe I'm just no longer ever in the mood to chronicle my day or my thoughts.

Z: Tell me about you
K: No la I'm boring tell me about you
Z: We always talk about me, I want to hear about you
K: My life so boring, I'd rather hear about you. Your life is more interesting
Z: My life where got interesting? Yours is more interesting!
K: I think I know why we think each other's life is more interesting: If our own lives were so interesting we'd wake up in the morning, look at the mirror and say: "Wa so awesome I'm so interesting!"

Or something like that. Strangely it was funnier when it happened.

Better, and worse at the same time

2008-07-15T03:28:00.003-04:00

I feel better because alot of things are happening. I'm not sure if I want to say this all out in public (even though no one reads it except me now), so ask me and maybe I shall say.

Things are much better now, and there's a reason to be happy.

I'm happy as long as the people around me are happy, and that's nice.

I visited my Grandma's this morning with Weng to have breakfast with her. She was very happy this time to see that it wasn't just me. I guess my problem is that when she gets depressed, I never quite know what to say.

She'd say: "Now I'm old and useless already, want to move around also must burden other people to help me. I depend on other people for everything, I don't want to be a burden to other people. I don't want to live so long."

I'd try to retort: "But you cannot say like that what. When we were all young, our parents took care of us, and raised us, and we depended on them. They didn't think that we shouldn't be alive then, so why should you now?"

But it was never quite enough. It would be followed by a long and uneasy silence, and it's happened for the past 3 breakfasts (excluding today). And I must say that although some of my friends seem to think that my love tank is always on full, it was very empty last saturday. Even though I did go to my Grandma's house both for lunch and dinner, I avoided her gaze and didn't attempt to talk to her, as I usually would. I didn't want to be put in the position where I didn't know what to say.

Today however, Weng's presence made breakfast alot more lively. We managed to make her laugh a couple of times, after which having stayed for an hour, she began once again on the "no point for me to live" and the "I'm useless" rhetoric. This time however, apart from reacting as I always did with the same weak defence, Weng decided to take a more proactive approach to change her mindset. He mentioned a friend's brother who died young in an accident, and that brought to mind that we could not really decide how long we could live, but we could choose to make the best of the time we had. That calmed her down abit, but there was still a sad doubt in her eyes, that once again broke my heart.

Now I'm hoping that I can make this a larger affair for my cousins, to visit her for breakfasts and let her know that we treasure her presence and her time left. I guess I should be glad that there's at least 2 of us, even though the rest of them have got school or work and other commitments, I'm always hoping that this could be something bigger.

When I cycled home, the rain seemed to reflect my brooding mood from breakfast. Perhaps it was the regret that I had not spent more time talking to her, especially since she was very fluent in English but I never exploited this ease of communication; I had to take Canto classes at NYU in order to communicate better with my Mom's parents (with limited improvement), something way more difficult.

My mind raced back to Randy Pausch and Morrie Schwartz. Two people that will be remembered for having embraced death, and to have possessed an unwavering commitment to humanity, to teach, instruct, and live till it proved (for Morrie) or proves (for Randy) impossible. If only my Grandma were like that! At least I always thought she would be, until i realised not too long ago that she was indeed human still, and one with a failing memory. She cannot keep track of days, or thoughts: She'll speak, stop midsentence, and just hang there trying to remember what she wants to say. I know I do that occasionally, but I'm quite convinced my mind is still in good shape.

I wish I knew enough to write a glowing tribute to my Grandma, that she could know how I hold her in the greatest esteem for managing to raise 9 Kids out of poverty into the middle and upper-middle class, for her wisdom in other things, and most of all, for keeping the family, no matter how extended, close. I would like her to be present at my wedding (if I ever get married), and to see my kids and stuff. But a weathered body at 84 years doesn't wait too long for things to happen. Things are happening of their own accord, and I do fear that these things that happen will take their toll on her fragile frame quickly.

As long as being there with her makes her smile, it makes me feel that it would all be worth it.

I don't know what to do

2008-07-10T15:18:00.001-04:00

I don't know what to do or think anymore. I don't want to think anymore.

Building habits.. or just things in random

2008-07-06T15:03:00.005-04:00

first off i thought that i should mention that this is my 221th post. of course, not that it really means anything, but 221/3 years is about 1 post every 5 days on average. so considering i haven't really posted much in the last 1.5 years i really must have flooded this website with useless unforgettable anecdotes and some totally valueless opinions about unimportant events. lol that's me feeling small, which explains the lack of capitals in this entry. oh well its always fun to be idiosyncratic, isn't it?

been catching up with people, since there's been alot of drama going around. people closest to me i think u know whats going on. i guess its about being there for one another. alot of the time, it doesn't matter what you say. sometimes its just being there, being a listener, and caring. i'm learning to read, see, and listen between the lines. and i think i'm getting good at not talking. it's much easier to listen, and hold back what you say, because no one wants to hear it except yourself. and i can live with that =D i digress.

ok that was a little too random.

actually, i just want to say to those who are glad that i am back, believe me i am glad too, if not moreso. there's still time to catchup before i go back to new york.

so in these 2 weeks past i've met up with alot of people... lets see...
my cousins/aunts and uncles
nyu mates: desmond marcus wenen ade
4r/ri mates: khairil, teck wee, kelvin koh, haoxiang, elgin, choo, chiayi,
biz team people
etc: vivian, vivien, jd, zoe, kk, philbert
met some new people too: i forgot all their names =D

next week: looking forward to meeting 2 x graces + odac people

***********************

i think life is about balancing relationships: your relationship with your family members, extended family members, gf/bf/spouse, brothers, the random wanderer (good friends that dont meet up much but will engage in deep and meaningful conversations), your relationship with your job/work/money, and of course health.

i think i'm enjoying life now: doing what needs to be done, and maintaining the relationships we need for a balanced life. i guess i always want more time to do everything but that's never going to come is it? everyone says: you can't find time, you gotta make it. now if only a day lasted 30 hours, i think that would suit me more because i find that i prefer to stay awake for more than 16 hours but i require about 8 hours of sleep to function... can't seem to shorten that cycle anyway so... guess i need coffee to replace sleep.

i was talking some time ago about sleep. we both agree that sleep is a blessing: to be able to fall asleep when your head touches the pillow, within a minute or less. i know i'm a famous sleeper. i brag about it sometimes... if you haven't any idea what i'm talking about i shall elaborate here:

1. i've fallen asleep outfield in a forward prone position while aiming rifle (at arbitrary targets)
2. i've fallen asleep right after having a large cup of coffee (in physics lecture, you can't blame me)
3. i've fallen asleep in lectures while writing/copying notes.. legible script becomes illegible scrawl, ending in a large ink blot
4. i've fallen asleep waiting for a dota game to start, waking up an hour after the game ended. in fact, i've fallen asleep ingame too, while farming
5. i've fallen asleep in an enclosed area (kinda like a void deck) while watching a liondance about 5 meters in front of me, drums and all
6. i've fallen asleep during a route march. i'd just walk... and slowly veer off the path, until someone pulls me back in line. repeat above mentioned scenario.
7. i've fallen asleep mid-sentence, while having a lengthy conversation face to face with a friend
8. i've fallen asleep with food in my mouth, while having dinner. i would then wake up, and sensing food in my mouth, continue to chew
9. i've fallen asleep while waiting for the traffic lights at a busy junction to change. when i woke up everyone was on the other side of the road looking at me
10. i've fallen asleep with my thighs and arms bruised from self inflicted wounds arising from the desire to stay awake... 5 seconds after i relax the pinch, i'm gone

some people have gone as far as to say i have fallen asleep in push-up position. that i don't remember, but i don't rule it out.

sooo.. back to the topic
sleep really is a blessing. i don't like going to bed until i know that i will concuss right after my head touches the bed... that is to say with 10 seconds grace. any longer and i will feel uneasy, and sometimes even irritated. i used to envy people who could stay awake no matter what if they wanted too. especially since i often miss many good points in lectures while playing chess with uncle zhou, or like in a cinema which i paid good money for a movie... sometimes i just cant help it. but if i could decide between having that ability to stay awake but forfeiting being able to sleep, i think i would choose sleeping. its really probably one of the wonders of the human body... when you sleep your body repairs itself, rejuvenates your mind, and actually helps you grow taller. i maintain i didn't sleep enough when i was younger =D

**********************
so i wanted to talk abit about building habits, but i think its kinda late and i have to get up early for the stock market so i'll end shortly. perhaps just a word or two about building habits

1) it takes 21 days to make a habit, and less than 3 days to break it. and by habit, i mean things that you have to go out of your way to do. not like resting on a couch, or playing games

2) it has been said that many people who retire pass away within 2 years of retirement, especially because they have nothing more to look forward to, no sense of purpose. it seems that the brain is linked more closely to the body than we care to imagine, so please create some good habits to live for, since humans are creatures of routine. please make sure you love your routine, or else you're gonna suffer.

i think i like the one i'm living now.

*******************

ps. i think i typed 3 capital letters in this post... can you find them?

Long Time no update

2008-06-12T07:07:00.006-04:00

Yeah thanks for the prod, Shan. I guess we all get carried away with our usual busy routine. I guess my schedule would be described by most not as busy, but as lazy. To them, I say this: To each his own, everyone has their own problems to deal with. If busy-ness is defined by things like work (ie. things you don't like to do), then I might not be as busy as others, but I sure have quite a full schedule. Considering that it has been said that "It takes 21 days to form a habit, and 3 or less to break it," I know I've lost many good habits, making those lost habits part of my routine. Bad bad Foong.

In other news, I've been back in Singapore for awhile but so far, only my family, Biz friends, JD Ade and Bel have contacted me. I guess its a rare occurrence for me to be meeting someone I haven't met for a long time now. Nobody has time for anybody, and everybody has no time in general: a sad truth about growing up.

Just to clarify, I believe I know where I'm headed in the next year or so. I just don't want to tell everybody online. If you really want to know I believe you'll take the effort to contact me and find out.. At least I know you will if you're reading this blog.

I feel like I have to shout this out loud: I'm back this holidays mainly for one thing: Family time. My grandparents aren't young and my parents aren't growing younger either. If there's one thing I would really hate to regret, it's not spending enough family time before all is said and done. Sang told me about this one statement he heard from a distinguished speaker that he would remember for life. Its probably something I will remember too. I can't quote it word for word, but in essence, here it is:

"No amount of success can replace the loss of a loved one."

How true. How very true.

********************

I hate myself for a couple of reasons: One of which is that I have the income of a baby, behave like a child, spend my time like a teenager, think like an adult, feel like a senior citizen. What a precarious situation to be in. You may react to this in disbelief, but come talk to me about it and I'll explain myself in a way that will make you go "Ohh.. So THAT'S what you meant."

Ok enough for now. I have learnt to stop bareing my soul to anyone who will listen, because no one needs to hear my crap. Only if they really want to will I oblige, since I feel that burdens need not be shared by everyone, it just dampens their mood. The last thing I want to be is an emotional vampire that sucks the energy and life out of the people around me.

Picture time! Since I'm a lazy person, I'll just caption these photos, in no particular order. These are some of the things I do when I'm not studying or online.

At a Luau

Watch movie: In this case, I wasn't allowed to go in.

Go arcade (once a semester or less)

Try to look handsome in a park but end up looking really silly.

Going out for a date

NYC pillowfight 2008. We went out with 1 pillow and came back with 2.

ROCK BAND! My favourite pasttime with the guys: Its free, its exercise, its chill and energy filled at the same time!

Sheesha with Desmond & Marcus

Travel: I didn't have a faux-hawk or the picture would be much nicer.

1 L of Tears

2008-04-21T18:00:00.002-04:00

I'm sure some of you have watched this drama or the movie already. I chanced upon this while searching for ways to entertain myself while i sported a horrible throat, cough, phlegm and fever, u get the idea... and I remember S having talked about watching this and how she found it meaningful. So I decided to watch it too. Although the drama is obviously souped up and rather predictable, I felt that the real story of Aya Kitou is one that does stop to make you think about your purpose for living. What is my purpose?

I guess we all ought to stop and feel lucky to be who we are, even if we are displeased with our current selves. Sure there's always improvement to be made, but we could be worse off. And even worse would be owning a negative attitude, because there's no way up from there. Drama wise, I didn't shed a single tear, maybe because the drama was too predictable, yet at the same time I understand the gravity of the situation and the intensity of emotion involved in dealing with tragedies. Especially close ones.

I know I'm lucky to be who I am, despite the many shortcomings I know I possess. I guess it makes me want to be more than I am, considering that I have the opportunity to do so, unlike Aya who although experienced a debilitating condition has inspired millions. Oh well. We'll see how I'll achieve this goal.

In other news, I can't believe the exams are around the corner, got a few graduating friends now. Work approaches for me too, and I'm not sure how to look at it. Certainly none of the excitement I had when I first went to the Army..

We'll see.

Something old from my blog

2008-03-23T22:26:00.002-04:00

Below is the script that used to run at the bottom of my blog:

"There's nothing left to say.^"+
"You have your own path and i have mine.^"+
"I enjoyed myself by the way,^"+
"The times we had we shared so fine.^"+
"I thank you for all the times we've shared,^"+
"both the good times and the bad.^"+
"Though we rushed in unprepared
"We found our place, and for that i'm glad.^"+
"^"+
"I'll say goodbye and good luck from here^"+
"Who knows where and what time will bring.^"+
"I'll still be here waiting dear,^"+
"Wishing you the best in everything.^"+

I took it off because it doesn't run anymore. However, it does bring back memories. Memories about how it used to be back in Spring 2006. I've moved on, yes. Perhaps too far to look back with the clarity that enables us to reflect with impartiality. I'm so glad I started this blog, because if not for this blog, the past 3 years of my life would have been lost in the sands of time, a mere recollection of those who knew me well then. And I cannot even claim to know who I was before, because I can no longer remember the old me without aid from what I've written.

I've grown then.

On the road again

2008-03-23T09:02:00.007-04:00

I guess I'm back for now.

I don't know how long more I'll stay here, but then again this blog holds too many memories for me to move. Definitely too many memories for me to shut this blog down.

So much has happened since my heavy blogging days. I remember I used to blog on 2 blogs: this one, and my old coupleblog back in 2005-6 when I was still with H. Looking back at entries from both blogs really brought back some perspective about who I was and who I've become.

It's funny how some things about myself have changed so much, whilst others remain stubbornly a part of myself, habits and traits both good and bad. I'm not going to list it out, but if you're actually reading this post I think there's a possibility that you know what these changes are. If you're not, ... which is impossible... , and you don't know what these changes are, then we'd better meet up and talk when I get back to Singapore or wherever you are.

My last post was on June 14 2007. Close to a year since I've last blogged.

I remember how late into the night in my Freshman year I'd either be done with homework or have just finished a game of Smash Bros with my suitemates at 3am, and yet I'd still be discontent with choosing sleep. I would blog voraciously, posting the silliest of photos that I'd bothered to take, many of them stupid self portraits that just take up hard-disk space. I'd compose a multitude of poems meaningless to everyone but myself. All those arcane poems meant something to me (only to me I think), and looking back at them last week made me relive those early college years. I'd just aim to post a short note and end up writing a 2 hour entry. And how I loved it. Unfortunately shortly after completing my writing the essay class, I lost the urge to blog frequently. I guess not bringing my camera back to New York affected my desire to blog. Everyone likes pictures and colour. No pictures ---> no entry = dead blog. So here's my feeble attempt to resurrect something that once meant 1/4 the world to me. (Go me!)

**************

There's alot of things I miss about the me of yesteryear:

1. Friends that I haven't spoken to for 2 years
2. The spontaneous + joyous me that appears only 3-4 times a year now
3. My fitness/body. I may look in shape but trust me I'm not.
4. The reflective being: always taking time to look back. I've since
lost the eyes behind my head
5. The intelligence. I think I've swapped alot of IQ for some EQ. Good, but
there was never a need for a tradeoff
6. The energy: Nowadays I prefer to stay home and spend alone/DotA time
7. The creativity: I've become a cookie-cutter--Absolutely predictable,
unerringly lame at the worst of times
8. The desire to connect with everyone

I think this short list is more than enough things to miss for now. I'm sure there's more but I can't bother to list it all.

***********

About 5 hours earlier, I had one of the most meaningful phonecalls in awhile from my P. Although the contents of the conversation wasn't that of intellectual discourse or of the happiest thoughts, it was a heartfelt exchange, albeit a little one-sided, that really put things into perspective for me for awhile, that really made me appreciate what I've done this past 365 days. Thanks dear Podmate, as much as these are times we want to put behind us, that one call will be a memory I will treasure because you reminded me of who I am inside and what I am capable of.

**********

In other news, spring break is ending and that means I have school tomorrow. I guess life goes on, it was quite a memorable spring break even though nothing excitingly eventful occured. The angry past needs to be left behind for the brighter future to come.

Part of this brighter future includes: Picturetime!

At Diamond Head

Food so good it made me cry

A sandcastle I built with my bare hands.

Happy times in Paradise Cove

Don't be confused by the hair, these pictures were all taken in the same week. My fringe reached below my lips, but I tied it atop my head like a japanese samurai so it wouldn't poke my eyes. It no longer exists, I cropped most of it off.

*********

Certain groups/people I've thought about fleetingly in the past 2 weeks. Please don't be upset with me if I didn't list you: I either overlooked it or your presence is so constant that I feel no need to mention you. In no particular order,

1. Family + dog
2. JD, Zoe, KK, Kangwei, Jacky
3. Ivan Chew and 2 COY Det 5
4. Junlin
5. S01D people like Kiats, Shan, Wans, Zhangyi, Zhong Lei
6. LiDoMe
7. Cousins
8. ODACians
9. NYU Bunch (referring to my clique of 5 in my Freshie year)
10. Mei
I guess this might sum up the groups of people who spent a significant portion of my life with me that I haven't been in contact with for awhile.

Talking about relationships that once blossomed but now seem deceptively non-existent makes me sad. Even though for some of you in those groups I mentioned, I know once we meet up it will be like as if we'd only met yesterday, for others things have probably changed so much that I doubt we will ever approach that degree of closeness or camaderie that we once had. Thus 2 things make me sad:

1. People that I treasure who have no time for me (or vice versa)
2. People that I treasured.

Perhaps I should talk less about unhappy things. On to the brighter stuff then

***************

Recently KH Facebooked me and told me about a spare ticket to a childhood dream. Considering I had already shelved the dream for awhile, it did not occur to me that I should just go for it anyway since I was and am still poised to accomplish it. I guess that's life; the passions we posessed as children slowly ebb away like a falling tide, attempting to reach our consciousness before pulling back and vanishing with a faint outline of what once was. The opportunity cost was great: spending an anniversary apart. Sadly, I have come to realise only too late that this being the life I lead would mean that childhood dreams must take priority before they become dust in the wind, if I should want to find myself, the core of my being. Who I am may be defined by what I choose to do (or not do), but sacrifices have to be made in pursuit of dreams, and this is who I want to be. Someone that will make sacrifices for his dreams.

I know that you might think critically of me: its an anniversary! But anniversaries are just a day of comemmoration: if I appreciate what I have on a daily basis, is there a need to comemmorate the event or show extra appreciation for what I have? Perhaps my words aren't coming out right--I have lost my persuasiveness and a large chunk of my grammar and vocabulary--but all the same, I need to find my childhood dreams because these dreams have shaped me in my formative years, and right now I need to believe that dreams do come true eventually. I need to. I need that ticket, before I lose the opportunity. I can only hope that it will be an experience of a lifetime.

****************

For you folks in the US, I'm a huge fan/user of Pandora.com. Pandora solves the problem with junk on radio and junk reception on radio. It plays the kind of music I like, and it really calms me down and lets me centre myself amidst the turmoil of life, work, and other concerns. I will be sorry to leave Pandora behind when I return to Singapore, because it cannot be accessed from outside of the US.

****************

I've been tracking my posts on "the aura of zhainess" and as of now, I've discovered that not much has changed. However, I find myself doing well in things I enjoy and things I mildly take an interest to. Also, I have discovered a new perspective to which this aura can be applied. I know I have it, because P told me so earlier, in indirect words. Besides, you can't use it unless you know you have it, and I know that I have it now.

***************

I've developed a fondness for Chinese dialects of late (for about a year), especially Cantonese and Hokkien. I enrolled in a Cantonese class to reconnect with my roots and expand my options, and I've found that I really like it! This is possibly the only class beside PE that I really look forward to. My main purpose of taking this course was actually to be able to converse with my ageing grandparents who speak Cantonese and horribly limited Mandrin, so that when they spoke to me I wouldn't have to pretend I knew what they were saying, and just go "Orr" while nodding my head, and exchange bewildered glances with my equally bewildered sisters. At least then, I've got an edge in the HK market should I decide to establish myself there.

***************

I know I'm still young, but I'm not that young anymore. I've got to report for IPPT when I get back, and I'm definitely not in shape like how I used to be.

I met this dude, W's friend, on USEast. He's 25 this year and has 2 kids. He's married to his first love, and they're still going strong. I asked him if he was gonna train his kids to play dota, and he said the time wasn't ripe yet. I wonder if I'd have the chance to be a cool dad like that guy.

One of the doormen at my place is younger than I am, and he owns a Cadillac. One of the bigger ones with insane horsepower that accelerates from 0-100 in under 4 seconds. He hasn't gone to college, but he's worked at construction sites, as a doorman, as a trash collector, and he's got something to show for it. He paid for that car on the spot, with US$38,000 in cold hard cash. And he's not poor either, but a self-made man.

As much as I am unwillingly to take the next step forward in life, I know I'm already entering the fray unfashionably late and I'd better make sure I have the skillz to show the world I can be an asset to any organisation I join. Money cannot buy happiness, but money makes living easier, and money + happiness = GG

**************

Ok this might just be the longest post I've ever posted. Possibly not, but considering I've spent more than 2 hours writing all this, I think it's a pretty comprehensive update about who I've become.

Thanks everyone for being who you are, because through you I have become who I am. And I think I deserve to believe that I am someone that my friends and family can be proud of, despite all my shortcomings. Go me!

Always your friend if you'll be mine.
Kin

whats up

2007-06-14T18:16:00.000-04:00

OK I'm back in Singapore, as most of you already know. i suppose that most of my friends don't even read this anymore considering that i haven't updated for such a long time. i guess I've been busy, what else can i say?

There's a lot on my mind I'm not sure i want to say, but its aching to come out. i guess a portion of it would be facing my demons, with regards to underachieving in this case. i can't stand it that a lot of people have told me that they believe that i'm capable of much more, etc etc. I think i've accomplished a fair bit in my own right, but the problem therein is that after years of knowing i've been "underachieving" maybe it just means i'm not good enough, or whatever that means.

I think its important for me to say and think and believe that i can be whoever i want to be. Every personal coach / bestseller author would say so, that the mind has unlimited power etc etc. And i believe in it. i just forgot to believe in myself.

So here goes, I believe that i have the power to change my own life and be zai. Enough talk about being zai etc etc. its time to be zai. And there's no two ways about it. Its in my blood to be a perfectionist, to be an achiever, to be good in whatever i choose to put my mind to. For now, I am going to put my mind to being a leader, a builder, a value adder to the people around me. Watch me add my value.

Oh yeah and on the side, I really need more discipline in adhering to sleep schedules and stuff. Its been said that while sleeping, one hour of sleep in the dark is worth two in daylight. So i shall aim for more effective sleeping.

oh yeah and my number hasn't changed, its 9626 6028. call me and lets go out. i want to meet up with everyone =D

housing

2007-04-10T03:47:00.000-04:00

sigh. this housing issue has hurt me alot more than i know. it seems that the delay in timeframe has just botched everything up, and of course it doesn't help that exams are around the corner. i wish i couldn't care less but after my election as President of the NYUSSA (even though it was a walkover) i feel that i need a boost in my PR. better make sure things go good and smooth. f*ucking housing. pisses me off everytime i think about it.

so i've been traipsing up and down the lower half of manhattan looking for apartments and stuff, sort of neglecting my work for the moment. i wish that people saw things from my point of view more often, but then again i confess its not regular to be weird, so i have to let that go. yes, its about housing. Cliff and I haven't quite agreed on place yet but hopefully we'll settle for something we both like. I guess i don't like to travel too far to school, yet pricewise and luxury wise it seems adequate. we'll see how this goes.

screw this, i'm going for a walk.

things i wanted to talk about but didnt say

2007-04-07T04:16:00.000-04:00

I'm looking for apartments in nyc for next year at the moment. stressful, because of housing arrangements.

anyways,

about the last post i wrote on the third of apr, i guess that's an admission of a possible political mission... but then again i don't have the balls to say whats right in front of the people who decide what's righter.

on another note, the third of apr happens to be my commissioning day. which means that since my commissioning on the 030404, i've been an officer (sort of) for 3 years, thank's to kok koon's reminder. i'm not sure what that implies or what it signifies, but it sure made me remember the good ol days. maybe not as good as i hope to remember it to be, but still good times, as are most ns experiences. and its funny how the toughest times really don't last, and tough men do. but besides that, those experiences are sometimes the sweetest. i remember how my buddy jianwen taught me about what it means to be a good buddy. he was always sticking to me, with me, beside me. and though we hardly communicate nowadays i'm still glad i had him as a buddy, i learnt things that will be hard to forget. eg. if you're only 56kg and your buddy is 78kg and you have to fireman's lift him, SUCKS TO BE YOU!

lol

also, i read about the google prank, where they were "providing free broadband": TISP, or toilet internet service provider, where you flush this cable down your loo, and someone down there plugs it in some fibreoptic gizmo. yeah right. also for april fools pranks, someone posted a bag of 3 poops selling for one million dollars online. but i digress.

it snowed lightly over the past few days, which brings to mind that song april snow. it's kinda rare, but somewhat pleasant. lets just say after the cold winter, a 0 deg celsius day is still pretty nice, provided the winds aren't chilly. then again, summer beckons and i know i will miss the dry feeling, of not having sweat run down every fold of my clothes. hey hey singapore, i don't quite miss you anymore. oh i'm such a serial liar. singapore is home man. i guess its hard to comprehend why, but roots are roots and they have grown, despite my disdain for the lack of "philosophic and oratoric freedom" in our country, and other things that i would feel embarassed about when described as a characteristic of our green city. its all part of the package. and i dare say we have quite a bargain on our hands, kudos to the PAP. what happens from here remains to be seen. such a rambling paragraph. i should take out my punctuation again for the heck of it. and no, i will not read anymore Woolf. it's damaged my brain enough.

recently got this photo from joanna. good times, good times. its funny how each and everyone one of us from lidome have grown, apart and together, like dunes in a desert. the winds of time may shape and shift us, mould us into something different, but ultimately we remain composed entirely of sand.

what else have i wanted to say? oh yes. its hard nowadays to find something that you can carry with you in your heart, an undying passion that will guide you to your life's purpose. or at least for the immediate future. strangely enough, i oft find myself extremely detached from my surroundings, my situation, my self. sometimes i don't see the cause and effect of the things i do, the things i want to do, and the things i have yet to do. this unbearable detachment from my deepest reserve of human emotions, this cradle of passionate experiences, is hurting my sanity. sometimes i forget who i am, who i should be, and who i want to be. in fact, too often i forget these things.

i wander'd lonely as a cloud,
away from new york, oh so loud
the drums the clangs the screeches the city
but nary a soul should offer pity
as a person needs not what others can offer
but to find his own, to be it's lover
a person a time a thing a place
a sad sad story or sweet embrace
don't let me say i think i'm glad
for i am just but truly mad

pathetic.

penn

2007-04-03T03:59:00.000-04:00

i went up to penn about 2 weeks ago, when morris came over for spring break. not many fotos to show, but i did get to meet up with Fr*nc*s S**w. For those asking why i'm asterisking his name, its cos i don't want to be marked by the G*hm*n for talking about this. For those of you who don't know, Mr.Seow is self-exiled, was a civil servant, and wrote books about Sg politics and was duly imprisoned by the ISD and stuff, i dont think i need to say more.

I also got to meet singaporean filmmakers Djinn and the husband n wife duo Colin Goh and Woo Yen Yen of Singapore Dreaming fame, as well as of the Talking Cock ppls.

it was great hearing about Sg and politics, both from the political sense and from the filmmakers points of view.

I used to think i was politically apathetic, but then i realised that i got worked up everytime people talked about politics and singpore. so if you get worked up and you have an opinion, you're not apathetic. from this reasoning, i don't think singaporeans are really all apathetic. we're just inactive because we all know action provokes a reaction (usually a lawsuit or unlawful abduction by the isd).

i'd really love to blog more but its 4am and i don't want to open this can of worms, lest my blog get banned or i end up self-exiled too.

so to end, thanks to nikolaus for being a fantastic host when i was in penn, and it was great meeting up with shengquan and zhonglei and carlson too.

there was also this nice musical by the ac-penn yap brothers, about college and stuff which featured great music and a fantastic plot. acting was soso but then, we're not all thespians, are we?

great times, great life

kin

Finally, a picture!

2007-03-29T04:41:00.000-04:00

Time has passed too fast this semester. I have a midterm in about 9 hours and i don't think sleeping is an option. I am too restless to sit down, and too distracted to focus. I have a dream, but that's a long way before i get there. Where does that leave me?

Some images then, from the past to show how time has passed.

what we always wanted to do back in wet, warm singapore

soumi being herself again...

i miss ice kacang

snowboarding back in freshman year

yeos chili sauce!

Met Hossan Leong in Chicago for their Singapore and Malaysian Students Union (SAMSU) yearly event (last year it was a student staged production of Dick Lee's BeautyWorld) and it was sponsored by yeos. But anyways, he was cool and we had a great time. And a great picture too.

More photos will come, but since they're not in my camera it will be awhile before they get posted here. I need to get back on track.

whatcha looking at? my post is done!

Updates

2007-03-20T12:40:00.000-04:00

be forewarned that in this post i will attempt not to use punctuation or capitalisation of letters for the sole purpose of amusing myself

for those of you asking how ive been be glad to know that the weather is warming up after another snowstorm in the northeast region of the states i had the flu for three days but it was great experiencing warm weather after such a cold winter i am well despite a lack of sleep i havent exercised for awhile but im still in good shape things are really fine with the girl and were having a good time in new york aside from school

its been a long time since ive posted anything of substance but then again i hope youve never doubted my possession of it anyway things have been going great i guess given the fact that i do have a life that many dream of but may never get to experience my only regret here is that i am not more academically inclined because i have always expected more from myself than i have given and academic achievement has not really been my forte as much as our society values its virtues given its place as a ticket to a better life or so we are led to believe thats not to say that i have given up trying but rather i have come to a perspective about life that doesnt place academic excellence above much else academic achievement yes but not at the cost of living life the way you want to i shall term that as academic overachieving even though to you and i there is probably no such thing as overachieving

turmoil is my favourite boggle word because its the example of a seven letter word which is just awfully impressive for boggle even though i have uncovered seven letter words while playing boggle but nonetheless turmoil does seem to represent a fair bit what i have felt my life to be thus far this semester while it is true that turmoil hardly means what it does in my case but you know how humans have this little mouse in each and every one of them that asks for sympathy of some sort or perhaps requests some empathy sorry for this long windedness anyway but my point was that during the course of this semester ive experienced alot in terms of relationships and other inexplicable neuroses yes im over exaggerating again but my point here is that this has been a thrilling portion of my life not because i have travelled across five oceans and seven seas but rather that the combined effect of each emotion i have felt this year has led me to believe that life really is not boring when there are no ups and downs its the anticipation of ups and downs that really prepare us for the events that present themselves in the way we choose to see it

two nights ago i picked up a book i had been gifted two years ago called dont sweat the small stuff... and its all small stuff and started reading it again a miracle of sorts considering those of you who know me well know full well that i havent spent much time reading anything at all besides this one period last summer when i started devouring books on leadership nutrition and business of the hundred little gems of wisdom in that book i needed only to read till advice number thirteen when i realised that i used to be greater than the person i have become of course thats not to say that im no longer a great person well actually im far from being great but you know what i mean but being overseas has somewhat changed the way i see the world and how i react to the changes and events around me

these are among the things i have found about myself
i have become even more jaded than i used to be after the army
i have almost always done what i believe i should do not because i really want to but because i condition myself to accept that that is what i should want to do
i have an overreliance on my own smarts to get the job done to my own standards
i have been satisfied so often that hunger does not come naturally perhaps because i have a small frame lol
i have not dared to go crazy since my ri days
i have not found a direction in my life i can be proud of although i can say that the options i have are awesome no pun intended you finance junkies
i have lived a blessed life with my eyes closed opening them once a term just to see im still on the road
i have a highly competitive personality that i try to play down with regards to things that dont matter to me so revealed to me by dota
i have friends i should never take for granted yet i take them for granted anyway
i really like good food
i am gastronomically adventurous only if someone else will eat with me
i forget more than i remember
i am a slave to time and activity
i have a vision of success but no real desire to fully achieve it
i do all my homework
i dont do all my revision on time but still do fine
i have mood swings i try to even out through activity
i find it hard to live without a phone
i prefer to share in the good times and be alone through the rough

i know all this sounds rather cryptic but i think its quite a good explanation for the things that have happened to me this semester what do you think

i just realised that this form of writing is almost entirely the stream of consciousness style propagated by james joyce in ulysses so if you enjoyed reading this you should read ulysses which by the way has been rated novel of the twentieth century by some literary association the name of which i cannot remember

i regret the lack of pictures on this blog but i made a choice not to bring my digital camera back to new york so until i get a new one i should live with it i also regret the lack of time or creativity to blog more or perhaps its just a general lethargy to blog that has settled upon me after all who still reads this blog anyway everyones got their own busy lives to lead and i admit i have not been catching up on blogs either but what the hey ill get back down to it

in closure i have some words from a spam mail that i found glaring at me from my inbox i guess its somewhat rare that we actually get stuff worth reading from spam but heres one of them aha this is one of the lessons from that aforementioned book called everyone is enlightened except you which asks you to derive lessons from everyone or everything no matter how you feel about it or them here goes

Be careless in your dress if you must, but keep a tidy soul.
You see few people here in America who really care very much about living a Christian life in a democratic world.
Respect the child. Be not too much his parent. Trespass not on his solitude.
We seldom call anybody lazy, but such as we reckon inferior to us, and of whom we expect some service.
Life gives nothing to man without labor.
A am a great friend of public amusements, they keep people from vice.
We'll teach you to drink deep ere you depart.
The tenderest spot in a man's make-up is sometimes the bald spot on top of his head.
A hero is someone we can admire without apology.
It is not the want, but rather abundance that creates avarice.
To love abundantly is to live abundantly, and to love forever is to live forever.
The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination.
I work in a strange business, and trust is a word that's not even in the vocabulary.

well since i didnt write those words but just copied and pasted im not violating my own rules for this entry ha

do mail or post a reply if you actually read through all this you deserve an award for it my gep is back

Some things never change

2007-03-07T22:15:00.001-05:00

When it comes to love or money, you're a Hopeless Romantic

For richer? For poorer? It doesn't matter to you because you're the Hopeless Romantic. Whether your sweetie is an oil baron or a grease monkey, it's all about until death do us part.

Even if you haven't met "the one," you'll judge your soul mate by the love letters, roses, and foot massages — not the size of their bankroll. And even if their wallet is as fat as their sonnet collection, the toughest part of your relationship will be arguing over which charity to choose, who loves whom more, and who's the bigger Schmoopie. And if that diamond ring turns brass, no biggie — your love is totally not-for-profit.

The Love or Money Test

Brought to you by Tickle

Gong Hei Gong Hei!

2007-02-18T16:17:00.000-05:00

Not feeling on top of the world, but what the hey, its Chinese New Year!

I wish i could remember all the stuff on chun lians... and how to write them. I wish i could remember how to say them in Cantonese. I wish i were home right now eating all the goodies and spending time with family... but then I'm glad i have the second best option: spending it with friends and family here that matter most to me (NY bunch) and that's more than i can hope to ask for.

So happy new year (my first with snow) everyone, HUAT AH!

long time no blog.

2007-02-06T08:52:00.000-05:00

sorry la deh, just been caught up with stuffs. i guess im spending more time away from the computer, in exchange for books and people. not too much to talk about also. if i blog and say its cold over here, its expected and nothing fresh. if i blog and say im doing ok, if i never blog i must be doing ok also right?

anyway for the record:

turkey was great, singapore too
but then so much rain, lucky i no flu
now ny damn cold, my face hurts when i walk
my mouth sometimes freezes, so i can't even talk
so if i can't talk i have nothing to say
i guess this ends my blog post for today

will talk more when i get more settled. alot of things still on my mind.

chinese in an istanbul shop

2006-12-27T14:28:00.000-05:00

lol lousy title but hey, you get the point.

so im leaving in a few minutes to istanbul. happy new year in advance everybody!
will post more after.

kf

MERRY XMAS!

2006-12-26T13:38:00.000-05:00

hee hee hee
merry christmas to thee
or happy hannukah to you
if you happen to be a jew

Big problems in Little New York

2006-12-19T02:46:00.000-05:00

NY is a small place. with big problems. i think i'm becoming like the city... slowly getting infected with big problems too. like my finals tomorrow for example. it seems ive started studying early and actually have taken to virtual camping for mugging too. but even all that and i still cannot get my head to grasp the material.

why do i always do well for my midterms and stuff then screw up the final?

well technically i haven't screwed it up yet but somehow right now it seems extremely forseeable. damn, i really suck at school.

the next three finals (2 later today and one tomorrow) all hold 50% of my final grade for each subject, and it seems that once again for me effort will not equate to results. oh may the curve save me. i shouldn't hope for things like that but a desperate person knows no shame.

i shall elaborate on the other problems when i have more time. pray for me.

with love to my faithful readers,
kf

estelle shakes her butt in times square

2006-12-15T23:14:00.000-05:00

i dont have a video of this, but it happened in the subway 2 months ago. she was saying that i never blogged about her, and so i said if she shook her butt there and then in times square i would mention it. and then she did. but since i forgot to mention it, here it is now. i guess the throngs of people in the station who saw that probably don't remember, but i do have the privilege of asking her to do it again =P

now i would do that too, but she didnt challenge me to do it, so there. 3 finals and 2 papers to go.

1 more week can jangan tension!

post drought

2006-12-13T14:42:00.000-05:00

yeah sorry everyone. i guess in the last few months i've really come to not rely on my computer much at all. i guess not having that many essays to write contributes to that. i do still have 2 papers due by 21st December but then its ok la. i'll survive without it for awhile.

I'm at Denzyl's now using his Compaq Presario. I was intending to go uptown to type out my resume (at Estelle's) but since i want to join the guys for dinner tonight (its the last day of school today) i decided to pay Denzyl's room a visit. He lives in Chinatown. The wooden floors are a nice change compared to the sterile ones at Palladium, but we have a carpeted corridor whereas over here at Lafayette the corridor tiles remind me of Bedok Polyclinic. =\ well its much cheaper living near chinatown as compared to living near Union Square where i live, but Union Square is a nicer place to live. It all balances out.

I had my first exam yesterday, for my Words class. I think i'll do ok for that, but then its not one of those classes you can mug for and confirm the A. Unlike the other Econs classes. Which reminds me, i should start doing all my homeworks again.

Am looking forward to going Turkey with Estelle after the exams. Imagine being Yin the city which was the centre of the Roman Empire for over a thousand years. A city with 3 names. Byzantium, Constantinople, Istanbul. Even New York only has had 2 names: New Amsterdam and New York. I do wonder if like Moscow or St. Petersburg has had more names, but then... those are other places i would like to visit too.

I am thinking of doing summer internships and things like these, just not sure where or when exactly, cept that deadlines are near. Sigh. Mugger life.

So i'm going back to school now, then home, then freshening up, revising some, dinner, and we'll see what happens next.

Time

2006-11-29T20:46:00.000-05:00

I remember morris saying that he only blogs when there's nothing happening. Well actually alot has happened since i last blogged. About 4 weeks? I went to DC, Cornell, Vermont, and also spent a good weekend here (with friends, that is). Met up with lots of people, the kind of thing i'd be expected to do but haven't quite been doing.

Played DOTA for the first time in 3.5 months, glad to know i haven't lost too much skill. Maybe DOTA is like riding a bicycle. Just need a short warmup to remember what you've learnt.

Snowboarded for the first time in 8 months. Vermont has great snow, but remembering the pains from the last few times back then made me slow down considerably, and i guess thus i feel less accomplished.

DC was damn lak. I like the place because cars there actually will stop for you even if you don't have the right of way. Guess its a slower paced life. The Pentagon is huge. And the memorials beautiful. Made a friend too, thats good for free lodging haha

I've taken a fond liking to Riesling wine. Best wine, imo. Then again i'm not much of a wine connosieur so i guess i'm in no position to judge too much. Except that this is wine that i could drink many cups of without feeling like i'm forcing anything.

Haven't played chess for awhile. Didn't attend any dance club practices. Feel like moving out of my dorm for some cheaper housing and more privacy. Someone keeps eating my food, drinking from my stash, and using my soap. Damnit, get your own damn soap its not that expensive. And food too.

Guess I am starting to sweat the small stuff. Impending exams do put some zips on the stress meter, but then this happens all the time. Only pray i can maintain my advantage in class. Sigh.

Have also felt that i am wasting time in school because i still dont see a powerful correlation between academic success and financial success later. There's alot of discontentment here, and i'm not doing anything about it. tsk.

enough said, enough done. time to work, but another episode of the simpsons before that happens.

Fight n Fright Night

2006-10-31T16:59:00.000-05:00

Hey kids, happy halloween!

i've spent the weekend after exams and the first few weekdays too playing fight night, the boxing game on PS2. Great game, keeps me sane beating the crap out of some animated pixels. i'm convinced what my Heep says of me is true: i'm good at all video/computer games because i'm asian. woot! Asians 1 angmoh 0

so its halloween tonight and i'm going to see the parade, check out ppls costumes and things like that. too bad i don't have a good camera so there might not be good pictures posted up here like last year...

so then everything's been good this week so far, looking forward to november!

14 hours.

2006-10-26T00:12:00.000-04:00

my last midterm will commence in 14 hours. i have struggled for 13 days not to game, and to channel those energies into books. granted, i have been more hardworking than my roommates expected, and yes i actually did not game for this period of time. not even minesweeper or freecell. i certainly hope i dont go into a game binging session.

happy belated birthdays to alot of people that i didn't announce, like siyi and suli and meiyi and jan and joanna and chung and de rui that i didn't announce. i guess things like this slip my mind and i suppose they won't be too upset that i didn't mention it in the first place, i'm sure they enjoyed theirs. oh and happy birthday drew (even though no-one he knows will read this) and huishan too. and if i left your name out, i'm sorry. exam pressures warp the logical though process of my brain. then again living does that. forgive me sincerely.

its true. i always go on a blogging spree when i'm stressed. last paper tomorrow and i should be happy of sorts, but i'm kinda stuck as to committing my time to just acing the damn exam. it pushes me and pisses me off and my natural instinct is just to fight back and kick it away. its funny how sometimes the best way to neutralise a threat is to take the brunt of it head on, instead of trying to avoid it. like the Titanic and the iceberg. i must be more gung-ho.

okok. wasted enough time here. see you later alligator

Light a million candles

2006-10-24T16:15:00.000-04:00

Stop child porn. go visit www.lightamillioncandles.com and light a candle online. its free and it's a show of support. you don't even need to leave your details if you don't want to. light your candle and end child abuse.

in other news, i got a haircut and estelle rebonded her hair.

in other other news, i have one more midterm on thursday which i don't quite know anything about. well actually i do but i like to pretend i don't.

in other other other news, i think i'm going crazy without gaming.

alive!

2006-10-23T13:25:00.000-04:00

i'm alive, alive!

no i'm not frankenstein.

i just survived a double horror, you know the one midterm at 8am and the other at 930am. damn drama i tell you. last night never sleep. eyes tired, tried to rest 5 min, ended up resting 35 min cos nick was supposed to wake me up in 5 min but he went to do laundry. no problem though, i felt much better cos i had music playing and i was counting the songs... next one.. next one... next one... next one... eh abit long... wake up... and the sun actually rose while i closed my eyes. nevertheless, i got my stuff, took a shower, dressed smart (as i always do when i go take exam) and went off to class.

ERROR #1

Went to the wrong building. i'd been missing the normal recitation and skipping the lecture for another class to attend the recitations i missed, i went to a building i only visited last sem. felt something was wrong, check fone. wrong room. Panic. luckily pia until reach the correct building the teacher not there yet. write essay write until hand pain. today cold day, finger cramp until elbow.

ERROR #2

I was reaching the 930 midterm venue when i realised: siao liao. no calculator! die! i had lent it to Nick for his midterm and i forgot to ask him to return it when he came back earlier in the morning. nevermind. call Nick. Nick at home, will walk down with calculator, but the venue and dorm quite far. call Ruoxi. she late but already downstairs, no extra. nevermind. go nyu computer store. closed. go nyu bookstore. closed. wah nnb damn sway. i panic. go to photocopying shop ask to borrow calculator. they only had one which needed to plug in for electricity, and then will print receipt. liao. nevermind. late then late. i run to Staples and get my cheap $5 calculator. run to class, see Ruoxi in the taxi pulling up beside the building. ok not too bad. message Nick not to come anymore. realise that we were 5 minutes late, and there was only an hour. nevermind. i have everything i need.

ERROR #3
So i see the questions, ah can do, can do. ah that one appear in homework, ah can do, can do. so having torn open the calculator package while running to school, i made sure to keep the receipt and packaging. lucky i did, because the m*th*rfj#$% spoiled right in front of my eyes when i tried to use it. i thought. siao liao. today really not fated to calculate anything. i slammed the calculator on the floor with frustration. all that hassle + $5.41 and it blardy fails on me!? lucky i still know my math. can do. i finish the exam as the ta announces "pens down".

all that without real sleep the night before. can tahan or not? return of Robokin! with glitches of course, batteries sold separately!

it feels great to be alive.

2 hours to d-day h-hour

2006-10-23T06:04:00.000-04:00

Yes. its 6am and i'm still awake looking at this computer screen. the why is answered by my insanity. nope, i'm not just going crazy for no reason. it's just that i feel the need to stay awake to brush up my points of intellectual knowledge in the realms of words (Woolf) and poverty & income distribution (Wolff).

2 midterms, one after the other
one starting at 8 and the other not long after
my ordeal ends at 11 for this day alone
by my last midterm i shall have become stone

even my poems suck now. gosh. i'm feeling paranoid now and i don't know if red bull is the solution. i figured since i frequently miss the 8am call, i would fare better not sleeping and getting to the exam venue WAY before time, with red bull in my veins and the 2 lycans in my synapses. however it's been awhile since i last pulled an all-nighter, and i can only be thankful that i spend a significant amount of this weekend sleeping in preparation for this moment.

what happened to robo-kin? i didn't have to sleep much before, seems like my batteries are getting old. or it could be that i hardly exercise nowadays (exercising judgement doesn't quite make the cut) and my muscles are giving up on my young, haggard body. or maybe i just haven't been drinking as much coffee as i used to: yes, i drank because i needed to. no, coffee isn't bad for you. its a tradeoff for accomplishing more in your hours awake, against the "shortcomings" of extensive caffeine addiction (which i have not quite suffered). coffee made me beautiful (see one of my entries last year about coffee) then, and i have given up on makeup. hope this desperate makeover saves my ass today. up till 11am at least.

too frail, this human body is. we plow our bodies through the harshest of trials and tribulations. alcohol and smoke and pollution and sleepless nights and insane tests of muscular fortitude and endurance. and we fail to realise that when the growing slows down as it does in every ageing post-teen adolescent, we atone for the sins we commit on this old body.

tell me i'm not cranky, tell me i'm not insane
it's just an electrical fault in my cell membrane
my brain is wired tight
my eyes are losing sight
my fingers are trembling too
i never thought i'd look like you
and so the exams beckon
i'll do fine i reckon

or so i hope.

Confudging.

2006-10-22T17:14:00.000-04:00

Well i have 2 midterms in less than 16 hours and i can't say im very prepared for them. I guess i might have burnt out some doing the last few. sigh. what to do, what to do. except get it on.

the good news is i discovered an online site where you can get lots of tv shows streamed to your computer.

click here.

Then again, thats bad news for me. but ever since i quit gaming (almost entirely now) i've found more time to do other things. somehow gym is still not one of them. i'm not fat yet though. and i definitely am spending more time on studying.

damn i should start already.

spam a midterm

2006-10-19T00:19:00.000-04:00

I watched spamalot just now with karol, it was fantabulous. really took my mind off midterms for awhile, and considering i've been studying for it since the weekend (i dont even remember putting in that much effort for any subject for last sems finals), i think i should do ok. besides, having quit gaming for a total of 6 days, i think this was justified.

i've been thinking alot lately (thus the multi posts in a short time) and i was talking to horace just now, whos been trying to start a web-based biz. he's got 2 sites:

GuyTalks
ECommerceDay

And i got thinking about my biz again. why i started doing it and why i still want to do it. i guess the lack of correspondence from the mentors' mentors is really discouraging, and i guess maybe this extra time i have now should be put into studying first, and maybe then just the summers for biz. but it really seems silly to wait. I guess doing my homework should still be my first priority.

i've got books to read that remain unread. i seem to have lost the drive to read more since i got more involved in my subjects (wtf), and in fact i've found some textbooks i just bought (the course recommended ones) useless. waste my money and time damnit.

so much to say, so little action. shit man.

so my IM midterm looms in 10.5 hours time, and i guess some revision tml morn will be healthy. so i should sleep early as planned.

good night then,

I am not dead yet. (la la la la la la i am not dead yet la la la la la la la)

Free Hugs

2006-10-17T20:50:00.000-04:00

I was blogsurfing abit to ease into my revision for Intermediate Macro what with the midterm on thursday, and then i peeped at Vivian's blog for a while and guess what: I saw this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4&eurl=

Just thought that it was great how one man's need for hugs spawned a reaction in the YouTube community, spreading from Sydney to even Tel Aviv. I mean hey if some dude in Tel Aviv can do that, I wonder what it would be like in Singapore... But i guess i'll agree with Vivian here that everyone will just stare at the fella and then ignore him or call the police or something if they can even be bothered to do so, then later Mr Brown will do some podcast on the furor that will create, and... Well you know Singapore la.

So here's a hug for anyone reading this, if you want one. You're free to politely decline of course. Family members have no option. Take it. *BEEG HUGZ*

And from a card (still) in my wallet:

I Like Hugs

It's wondrous what a hug can do,
A hug can cheer you when you're blue.
A hug can say, 'I love you so'...
Or, 'I hate to see you go'.
A hug is 'Welcome back again!'
And 'Great to see you!' or 'Where've you ben?'
A hug can soothe a small child's pain,
And bring a rainbow after rain.
The hug! There's just no double about it,
We scarcely could survive without it.
A hug delights and warms and charms.
It must be why God gave us arms.

and on the back:

Hugs are great for fathers and mothers,
Sweet for sisters, even for brothers.
And chances are, some favourite aunts
Love them more than potted plants.
Kittens crave them. Puppies love them.
Heads of state are not above them.
A hug can break the language barrier.
And make the dullest day seem merrier.
No need to fret about the store of 'em:
The more you give
The more there are of 'em.
So stretch those arms without delay
And give someone a hug today.

lotsa lurve, KaiLiNg & MeiYin

*********

Thanks.

Stupidity

2006-10-17T15:55:00.000-04:00

Firstly, 2 nights ago i couldn't sleep. I went to bed and 3 and only fell asleep around 6-630. For those of you who know me well, you'll know I NEVER HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING.

Secondly, just now i went to photocopy a friend's notes at FedEx Kinkos, one of those self-service machines. I only just realised that after copying everything i left the photocopies there. Waste $2. That was about 1.5 hours ago, i'm sure its been thrown away.

Third, i'm not eating much at all. Its like one or 1.5 meals a day. Wtf is going on? I don't even feel like eating anything. Its as if i subsist on air and books. I don't even drink water throughout the day.

Fourth, doesn't matter how much i sleep, i have difficulty waking up. My alarm rings, i turn around and reach over my desk to turn it off, i fall asleep on my hands and knees. WTF la.

Damn silly la recently. I think the midterms are making me behave weirdly. OR maybe it could be that i haven't been gaming at all, that somehow i feel that there's some sort of void in my life. I'm abstaining from all forms of computer games/video games except for fone games, and that's really taking a toll on my sanity. I can live without it, but i just wish that someone would just play so i can watch and regain my sanity. Seems everyone else has midterms too, and me not playing really discourages them. =
I'm going for office hours later for intermediate macro. Guess that's the trade off: being a conscientious student also makes me lose my bearings. I sure hope what i'm studying now is either

a. Going to make me a better person

b. Help me make some money

because if it's none of the above... Then i shouldn't be in school.

Finally

2006-10-15T21:52:00.000-04:00

I never thought i'd be able to grow enough! Hooray new me!

Looking Back

2006-10-15T20:23:00.000-04:00

In view of the midterms coming up this week i shall attempt to keep this post short, but even then i know i am very "cheong hei" so we'll see how it goes.

I spent the weekend actually doing some work and revision, and though i didn't complete everything i thought i would, at least i did begin, and as they say, "the journey of a thousand li begins with a single step".

I wonder where the flowers have gone. I know there are some beautiful flowers around union square, but then those don't last forever. I guess flowers in general don't last forever.

So having had a dinner and a tiff to boot, i came home (a hotel, really) in a pensive mood and decided to look around before i began work or laundry (2 weeks is long enough), so i went to have a peep at the not so distant past. That little foray brought be back to this blog, and from there a whole series of entries from the end of february backward to january, along with all comments attached.
Things i realised:

No one comments on my poems cos they don't know what the hell i'm talking about. I do, of course.
I used to write better
I have friends who do occasionally look up this blog: they even comment sometimes (which makes me feel better about writing)
I can read back and see what i felt back then, what i thought back then. Very much like a pensieve, without the full action replay
I have changed again.

I have changed. Much too much for my own liking, really. Its one of those times where you realise after some deliberation that perhaps you have changed for the worse but you don't want to admit it. Who wants to be changed for the worse? I won't go into detail about how i've changed, but in general i've become more cynical (yet again), more stoic, and more taciturn. I've forgotten how to live with frivolity, nary a care in the world. Not that anyone should be frivolous and thoughtless all the time, but its that essence of childlikeness that every grownup wishes they still had. To be young at heart, a soul in pursuit of passion, perhaps just for the moment, or with some desired end stage in mind: happiness, ecstasy, contentment.

I'm no longer content. I am thankful but not content.

My thought train just derailed. I guess thats the memory part of it: i'm losing mine.

Get me those glasses with mirrors on the sides so i can look behind me without turning around.

I wish i could still turn around.

Done for now

2006-10-14T04:59:00.000-04:00

its 5am and i just finished revising for poverty and income distribution. for now. Mid-term on wednesday, and i've started studying on friday night. Good for me, this must be a first heh.

Unfortunately, i'm at estelle's now and there's this damn car which has had its horns blaring for like half the day already. yes, since 5pm. and the damn owner hasn't come to switch his stinking alarm off, and it's irritating the hell out of the whole damn street. I have a good mind to tell the fella off (even though i almost feel like smashing his damn car), but he'll probably be gone before i wake up.

I feel proud of myself for actually doing something today. i did finish a problem set too, kudos to me. But there's much more work to catch up on, seems i've fallen behind since week 1 due to my slack revision habits, or should i say non-existent habits. catchup, catchup!

Heard that Thomas (its his birthday today, by the way) already got an offer to his ibank of choice, and the paperwork's done. so zai. must aspire to be more like him, and learn everything i can from him before its too late. Carpe Diem, grab life by the damn horns (of that wall street bull) before i end up wang chen mo ji-ing.

time to sleep. a new day awaits.

History

2006-10-14T01:35:00.000-04:00

So here I am taking a break from a weekend mugging session. Man, you don't know how long it took to sit me down to study.

So I was gonna see if anyone left a tag on my blog, and I realised that Estelle had been reading up some of my past entries. So I read them too, and realised that somethings hadn't changed... like inertia to work. Some things did change, like actually quitting dota. Well the next step for me is to quit all forms of gaming, whether on computer or on tv or phone. Well this weekend i've resolved to quit playing freecell or any computer game, as well as any console game including smash and mariokart. Which leaves *bubble breaker* on my fone my last resort.

Its funny how my brain is progressing. Estelle and I were talking about my brain, when I told her that back in Sec 3 i proposed to a couple of my friends that I actually had a degenerative brain disease, that we referred to as "Brain-degen-disease" and she commented on how my middle-term memory is almost non-existent. That made me feel not-so-proud of my brain always being good at remembering things that didn't matter, like knowing the capitals of at least a hundred countries, and various bits of general knowledge and random trivia questions. Maybe that's the difference between geniuses and ordinary people. Geniuses have fantastic memory access in almost all parts of their brain, and can link things up in a network of thought, and not just a linear chain of memories. Like how Virginia Woolf described differences in thought processes; Mr. Ramsay was stuck at Q, moving onto R, but geniuses had no problem with A-Z, in any order; but they occured only once a generation. I'm certainly not the one in my generation, I'm certainly no genius I'm sure of that. But I was very proud of myself for helping Estelle fasten an old duvet cover to her blinds set that set it up like a curtain, and managed to devise a method to hang up this makeshift curtain using a ribbon, a curtain hook, and a twisty wire for fastening loose wires. Talk about innovation.

I realised that I'm still unsure of the kind of academia I'd like to pursue. I always thought I would be more interested in the subjects that made me money, like econs or finance (although arguably any subject could make you money) and something related to the subject of money itself. Now that I'm taking these courses I'm not sure if I still stick by this as subjects I like studying. I like reading about marketing and business, about leadership and inspiration. It was only recently that I discovered the shocking truth: I might actually be in love with HISTORY. I love history. Remembering odd facts and weird figures, reasons for this and motives for that. What this guy did and what that guy did to counter that. Maybe it's because I like stories: Stories of success and strength, of betrayal and backstabbing, of trials and tribulations, of character and cunning. And maybe that's what I like: something with a beginning and an end, with a motive, with a reason, with characters and intangible qualities, with images of it etched in the brain with every word that makes it, with brilliant phrases and bonus expressions, with a little twist and the expected cliched ending. Maybe that's why I'm not fond of academia as a whole: hardly anything in it is a story about anything.

I look at my story, and I wonder if anyone will make it his.

Like that la

2006-10-12T01:33:00.000-04:00

Its like that lah
You know... Like that la.

LIKE THAT LA! You don't know what LIKE THAT means?

See la you're always like that la.

Torn

2006-10-09T17:20:00.000-04:00

Guess the fortune teller's right:

I've got everything wrong.

Feeling strange

2006-10-05T16:22:00.000-04:00

Sorry bros i should have called yesterday but then i mabok. Hope all's well at AEC.

I've been feeling a little strange lately. I'm not sure why either, but i guess it could be because of how things have been going for me.

Life's different nowadays. Well at least compared to previous sems here at NYU. For one, my courses seem lighter than usual, and i actually have time i don't quite know how to spend. i guess quitting dota does give me a lot more time to do other things. i dont think i quite regret it. Well we all have 24 hours only, don't we. I take back the earlier statement that i finish books at the rate of 1 a week. I guess its more like 1 in three weeks. Just that i'm reading so much more than i used to that it felt like 1 a week.

I don't hang out as much with the old bunch anymore.. Guess we all got caught up with our own stuff, and i think that's kinda sad. I guess effort has to come from somewhere to upkeep relationships, and i should be doing more than i'm used to if i want things to go my way. I never used to have to do that too much i guess, or maybe i did it so much last time that i never thought it a habit of mine. Like.. Nowadays i usually see Grace and Soumi maybe once a week, whereas it used to be like once in 2 days. =\ And i never used to have to call, got too used to people calling me i guess.

Lament, lament, lament.

My dog's birthday is today i think. Or coming soon. She's a real cutie, and i guess i miss her more than i'd admit. Wonder if she misses me too. I know last year my folks told me that sometimes she'd wander into my room, look around, and walk back out. I'd like to think my dog remembers me.

Huishan is coming over for the long weekend to see NYC and stuff. It's been 9 whole months since we last met. =\ Guess there'll be much to catch up on.

Last week i watched Wicked with estelle. Great show, really. I think i really like the character of Elphaba, but the name of Nessarose. So odd right.

Nessarose.

ok work work, i need to stay on top of things. Textbooks please!

Moody

2006-10-03T15:06:00.000-04:00

I realise of late that i have scarcely the mood to do anything. Much remains undone. The bed lifts i should have returned 3 weeks ago lie in my cupboard. My pillow and comforter on my bed stark white against my brown printed sheets lie there, awaiting a sham and a duvet cover. Homework 4 for Intermediate Macro (due thursday) and Problem set 2 for money and banking (due friday) sit in my bag, waiting to be looked at. I do have to get some forms done too to receive a 15 dollar rebate.

I was contemplating giving up the 15 dollar rebate because i really didn't want to do it. I reasoned to myself that sometimes i wouldn't go back to school from my dorm for 15 dollars if it was a one off thing. And with forms even, no that would be too tedious.

I slept at 630am on monday morning and woke at 830, slept on monday afternoon from 1130 to 6, and slept last night from 2 to 8. That's alot of sleep.

Eating is becoming a problem too. I realise that i don't fancy eating anymore. Not even a happy bowl of packet kimchi ramen, or char kuay teow from Penang restaurant. Not that i believe i'm becoming anorexic or something, i just lack the mood for things at the moment. I guess that's why i chose this song for my blog: just because it's so moody. Its Yumeiji's theme for the movie In the Mood for Love.

Is love that moody?

Of Dreams and other Updates.

2006-09-30T14:11:00.000-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEAFY. I LOVE YOU AND YOU'RE A WONDERFUL SISTER. HAPPY CAKE EATING!

Congratulations Fenny on your new blog! Wonder if that was ever a dream, but its certainly not a bad thing. Dreamt about you last night too but it was very strange and i don't think i'm going to tell anyone about it. =P

I had many dreams last night. Also dreamt of Soumi and Grace. But i'm not going to tell anyone about it either.

Two days ago i was playing bubble breaker and i managed to get 49 bubbles together for a combined score of 1650 or something like that. and with my peripheral bubble bursts i could have got a final score of 1850 or higher. Unfortunately a mishap came when Estelle tried to take a picture using it, and the game got wiped before i could take a picture of it cos im sure no one's got a higher score than that. So now my official highest score is still 1458 =(

Never trust a person completely. I was inspired one time by wrestlers on tv, who as you all know do top rope jumps and stuff. So i tried to convince estelle to let me jump on her, and of course i am sorta "trained". Naturally she lifted her knees as an instinctive defensive manoeuvre, and i got caught in the worst possible place. Good thing i have good genes and a solid frame.

I spent monday night playing tv trivia, and then did a hundred pushups. Bad mistake. It's saturday morning and i'm still aching.

I went to my first NYC club last night cos a friend invited me. I decided to go since work hasn't really piled up yet and midterms are still some time away. The DJ sucked, MOS was much better. But then maybe i just share local tastes more.

Zhonglei is here in NYC with Nikolaus. Time to meet and greet!

Reunions

2006-09-25T07:01:00.000-04:00

I was looking through the "my downloads" folder on my computer when i came across this picture:

And then it made me pause and wish that we had taken a similar foto of us back in sec1 and sec2. It was a great reunion that day at Mrs Soh's for us to see one another after such a long time. Its funny how so much has happened since Sec 2 (1998). 8 years man. Yet some things never really change. Take Joel for example: he looks exactly the same as he did in Sec2, as do most of us i guess, just maybe 20 cm shorter then.

I always enjoy reunions. Meeting old friends and classmates and stuff. For some reason, a small gathering may feel awkward, but a big one like this one always seems so comfortable. Like a mini time warp back to the "good ol days".

Maybe thats why i always like going out with study group even though sometimes i feel reserved because i might not feel like i have anything to say, yet the feeling of being all together again and catching up and looking back all at the same time, its just a marvellous feeling.

Family's not excluded from this either. I love meeting my uncles and aunties, cousins and grandparents. Even if i seldom talk to my grandparents (perhaps its the language/age barrier) just seeing them and exchanging a word or two over dinner makes me really happy, and i'd hope its the same for them too. Wahhh... Cousins i miss you all man. Looking forward to seeing you guys again at the next cousin outing (whenever that will be).

And of course, DaddyO, AhMua, Fluffy, Leafy, Fuzzy and Lyn. I love you all and can't wait to be back home again. Even if we never talk all the time, its just a great feeling being home when everyone's around. Its as if we exchange vibes. Man, chinese new year is going to be so lonely here in NY. At least Estelle is here =)

Damn, i wonder when my next reunion is going to be.

Ok its 7am, i just finished some work for the day, and i'm going to get ready for class.

PS. groups and people i didn't mention, it doesn't mean i don't miss you all ok. Sheesh so sentimental. *shiver*

Weekend again

2006-09-24T20:57:00.000-04:00

Had a great weekend today, by normal standards. Spent some quality time with Estelle, rented 2 movies, one of which was "Y tu mama tambien", and that was rather interesting.

Bought new sheets from macys cos i got a new comforter and a new pillow. I decided that even though the bed was comfortable by army standards, i wanted to risk not getting up from a new and improved bed every morning, because having a good bed to sleep in is one of life's greatest "simple" pleasures.

Some homework to be done by tomorrow. But i'm blogging yet again. Well the homework isn't hard, it's just i lack the motivation to do it early. I'm not sure if its procrastination at work again (there's some truth in here) or something larger, but basically i need to figure out what i want from this experience. Somehow my conscious mind and my subconscious have very different ideas of what my life should be like, and that kinda makes me confused.

I've picked up reading as a habit over the summer. I now read books at a rate of maybe a book a week, and lately i've been focusing on nutrition, not just because i'm bored but rather i think there's alot we can learn from nutrition. Today, the popular mindset is to see a doctor to cure your diseases, but seemingly people have forgotten that prevention is better than cure, especially with regards to the body. Unfortunately reading about nutrition also means that i am now faced with the dilemma of choosing-- eating nutritious food that probably costs more or tastes less, or choosing not to care and suffer its consequences: because when you didn't know any better, it was much easier not to care. Its like people who drink or smoke: they know full well the consequences, but they choose it anyway. Would you favour having a proper diet and doing homework on personal nutrition or would you choose not to care?

Choices.

i think i need to get work done now. its quite about time

Whatever comes to mind

2006-09-21T02:26:00.000-04:00

;gdsibpijvzcl'sgafd m'sdfvojkcxb'ds.,vcz93tjd m;lcvzaajp
d f'vdnm dso
sijsdposdihnvcl;zixv
the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog
the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog

easy easy easy

Chill

2006-09-21T01:22:00.000-04:00

The chill of the night that rankles through my bones
That, which no longer seems familiar
Pained, from all the world has suffered me
A conscience forever unclear

Tis familiarity, that I unconsciously seek
That only just, have I discovered
Such habits are mine to dream of
The riches of struggles uncovered

To what do I owe this lethargy?
The cold? The smoke? The pollution?
My strength wanes more each day
Till a habitual revolution

Time to burn

2006-09-18T22:12:00.000-04:00

Well that's something i guess all of us wish we had. It's funny how time seems to pass faster in NY than in singapore. The work's started to pile on now, and i'm still coping ok. Seems this sem will be easier than i expected.

I had a good day yesterday at central park with the SSA ppl and estelle, we played frisbee (and i scored a good one hurrah), then walked down the columbus ave fair. Unfortunately i sprained my neck, you know, when it twists a lil too hard and then aches for 2 days after. Should have warmed up. Once again i feel the age coming back. Or maybe its just that i haven't been going to the gym as much as i should.

Its funny how i notice a new dynamic in my habits: i like reading, and wouldn't even mind reading textbooks and stuff cos i think its pretty fun or informative. My problem comes when i have to DO assignments and stuff. Seems all the activity i had during summer hasn't benefitted me too much in terms of sitting down and completing assignments: then again i always did my assignments, i just need to finish them earlier and stop procrastinating.

Yup, dota's out of my system (haha i bet the parents will be happy about this), and i'm trying to replace this with sports to keep healthy. But then i got addicted to bubble breaker on my fone. I found out that i'm obsessed with keeping averages: like i've got something to prove, that i'm achieving a certain standard i set for myself. Now to obsess over grades =D.

I guess things have been moving slower for me in new york than in singapore. Its good that estelle is here for me, makes things much easier as compared to having a LDR the last time round. And she makes me want to study harder. Good deal =)

Well actually i do have assignments due on thursday and friday and next monday so i really shouldn't be blogging too much already. I do say though, i'm glad that i'm spending so much less time on the computer nowadays.

Alright, back to work. Updates to keep us going.

PS. I didn't know you could watch movies on YouTube!

Krabi

2006-09-17T05:00:00.000-04:00

I went to Krabi

With this beautiful person

To see nice sights like this

Because we could do this

But most of the time i saw this

And though it was great seeing this

It was better seeing it with this

The End.

Thoughts

2006-09-13T23:22:00.000-04:00

Sept 11 passed in NYC without much happening. I took some pictures of the NY fire dept outside my dorm, with the flag at half mast, and bouqets lying quietly by the road. There were 2 candles by the bouquets, of which many were brightly coloured (like the lives of those they commemmorated), 2 candles which burnt throughout the day.

Nothing much happened in Palladium Suite 911 either. It was just an ordinary day, yet a day that changed the world (the US at least think that the states = the world). I thought that if the US followed the date system of ddmmyy like the rest of the world instead of mmddyy, then we might be commemmorating November the 9th.

Just thinking that it's been 5 years since we all saw for ourselves the two planes crashing into the towers, the collapse, the trauma, the news, and all of that. And i think: What's happened to our lives since then? Have our lives changed much?

I guess alot must have happened to each and every one of us in the last 5 years, whether we choose to remember it or not, whether we do think each and every event worthy of mention.

Where do you see yourselves 5 years from now? Going back to school has somehow whitewashed my eyes. What i see is determined by the people around me. And that's scary. I still want to smell freedom. Not just freedom to live, but freedom to be. That's something else entirely different, and that's something that's gonna cost.

Freedom isn't free.

Its september the 13th today. (Which is kailing's birthday) And school has more or less started full swing. I haven't been feeling the brunt of the school workload yet but i know its going to come really soon. I'm glad i'm not dotaing anymore but even then i'm still occupied. I wonder why.

Back to work, its 1130pm

First Day

2006-09-06T02:06:00.000-04:00

Well just had my first day of school since coming back to new york, and i guess it was nice. Saw 2 impossible people, one from my floor and one from my Money and Banking class. Well impossible, because they look so good they can't possibly exist. Anyway, it was kinda nice getting back into the swing of things.

Had lunch with Daryl and Cliff today, and realised something: I'm not sure i'm going where i want to be. Or perhaps, i'm not sure of where i want to be. We talked about stuff.. How things were going, how we were going where we wanted to, and what we needed to get there, and i realised that i'm not sure i wanted to go where i thought i was going to go. Maybe its that thing about living 2 lives: Kin(SG) wants to go someplace and Kin(NY)somewhere else. Very creepy.

Its kinda weird how 3.5 mths just went past like that, and i lived another life. Momentarily, a life with some semblance of purpose, of dreams. I was not one to dream, until i saw a nightmare. My dream book is still empty. Maybe i need to talk to Peter Cox. And im just sitting here, waiting for someone, to hook me up to the fast track.

I'm not sure what i want to say right now. I'm taking this course called expressive cultures: Words, and the Prof was saying that the thing about words and the feelings they convey is that sometimes, the words generate the feelings in the reader, and sometimes its the feelings that inspire the words. Very chicken and egg. And of course, there is a range of emotion that words can only hope to express, that of the intense personal experience. That leaves words to express emotions or feelings of the lesser kind, the common kind. Well words aren't coming to me right now for the things i want to express, and i'm glad this works to my advantage in the sense that i now don't appear to have a sub-par vocab that hinders my range of expression. Then again i do admit to having a sub-par vocab heh.

Ok its 3am. Gotta wake up in 6 hours. 5 if i want breakfast. I want to make my power breakfast!!

Will update more. I hate being in a state of emotional turmoil.

A New Beginning

2006-09-01T01:21:00.000-04:00

Ok this is kinda like starwars....

So the first episode is over, and the second and third take place in quick succession. Well i'm not quite sure if it's as quick as its supposed to be, but then again, who Cares?

I had a good summer, travelling a tad around southeast asia, and finding my place in the universe. Met people who have conditioned me to dream big, and i guess thats when you start to look around you and realise that each person has to find his/her purpose (if currently undecided) and choose to follow it to some higher order of things. I don't know if what i desire is truly higher order, but i can feel the focus coming back onto the studying part of things. I only pray that i will not let anyone down, because i'm often told i'm capable, but fall short of standards. So i will find and attempt to commit myself for my bros, to do each part i can for them

Ok, its late and time to rest.
Tome to

lost

2006-06-05T10:21:00.000-04:00

yeah i think i haven't grown at all. not up at least.

which is why i'm temporarily shutting down this blog. won't be back till god knows when.

till then, thanks for being a part of my life. its time to grow up in the real world i've forgotten about.

turmoil

2006-06-05T01:08:00.000-04:00

Apprehension

2006-05-29T10:40:00.000-04:00

Ever feel that sometimes life is overwhelming? That feeling where you're not sure you want to do what you're going to do because you don't know if it's the right thing to do. Or perhaps when you know that sometimes there isn't a back button you can press when things go wrong. Or like when each event ceases to be just part of preparation, like homework for a test.

I'm not sure i've ever felt completely ready for any big exam. Or any big competition. I've almost never had the thrill of doing a test and knowing i'll score full marks (and actually do so). In fact, it seems as if i might even actually have a phobia of exams.

Or any big event for that matter.

I remember the time i bowled for RI... I was kinda overwhelmed by the whole experience really. Played some of the worst games of my life to be honest. Guess i wasn't prepared for the experience at all. And to think i could play games averaging 150 after training, or when just bowling for fun.

The only gold medal i ever got in a competition was the long jump i did in primary 4. There was an event clash between the jump and some other heat, and so i went to the long jump late, took off my shoes (i used to run barefoot like the ethiopian runners you hear about) and took 2 jumps. No real pressure, and i took my jumps, and i collected my medals. Perhaps then every other big thing (especially academics), i've possibly underperformed or something.

Having been through the army, i think its strange how the army changes you. I think that most guys would agree with me here, that for all its supposed be, the army really isn't much, and doesn't offer much, but somehow it transforms boys to men. Yet somehow for that "waste" of 2 and a half years some guys are given responsibility for the lives of 28 other dudes. Some even more. Yet i wonder if its ever dawned on them that maybe they wouldn't be ready to go to war being responsible for the lives of their friends? That maybe one wrong call could be a costly mistake (think Iraq). That maybe the army kinda helps, but doesn't adequately or completely transform boys to men.

Now i'm at the end of my childhood, and i suppose i should be well equipped to handle the challenges of adult life, being done with army and all. But i still dread the possible effects of every wrong step. I could attribute this fear of failure to the govt: there was a time when failure was not an option, and i guess in a way its become entrenched in our society (thus the lack of entrepreneurs, yada yada). I could attribute it to my parents' taking such good care of me and being protective(like most others). Or i could attribute it to peer pressure to attain the academic perfection that my friends at school exhibit: I just want to do well like them.

I just hope i haven't fallen whithout knowing it.

Take my hand in the meantime;
Lets walk into the sunshine.

Way too Long

2006-05-25T06:14:00.000-04:00

Hmm its been so long i don't quite know what to say here anymore. In fact i don't quite feel like blogging anymore... Justifiable i guess if u consider that the purpose of this blog was to keep connected with friends back in Sg, but since im back... Oh yeah and i was too lazy to post that too. You can contact me at 64425094 or 96266028, and then we can go out or something.

Hmm. Lately i've felt so disconnected from the life i was leading just 2 months back. Like a monumental change has taken place: nothing else seems to matter... As long as i know my star's shining down on me. But as much as i have no intention of abandoning my intent of maintaining friendships thru this blog, i just feel like i've lost the words to describe the things in my mind. Lack of patience and a degenerating vocab maybe?

Maybe.

Too much, too much, way too long.
Way too long and way too far
Being here sometimes feels wrong
How i wonder where you are.

Mother's day tribute

2006-05-13T17:15:00.000-04:00

indeed it may be 5:15pm on a saturday where i am, but as far as im concerned in Singapore it's the dawn of yet another mother's day.

So what's mother's day to you? Well i guess its very much one of those days where we take the initiative (after much nudging by subversive advertising) to buy something nice for our one and only mothers: maybe a nice card, a bouquet of flowers, high tea at some posh restaurant, or just a simple cake or even a $50 metro shopping voucher (not that i've done that).

Yet commercialised as it is, i still think it better to have mother's day, than none at all. At least now, we actually do panic and think "oh crap, i need to get something for my mom..." like as if she had a second birthday, where you gave her some sort of performance bonus in the forms of various rewards. Yet from the parental perspective, sometimes on mother's day just a day of peace and not having to run the household with clockwork efficiency is enough.

My mother's never asked for much from me on mothers day, or any other time really. She's only asked me to be the best i can be. Perhaps then living for the best future i can hope to have would be the best mother's day present i can ever hope to give her (even though this is easier said than done).

For those of you that haven't quite remembered that its mother's day today (or at until u read this entry) i think a little time spent in conversation with your mother would be a good thing: at least let her know that in the whole hectic chaos that your life's become, she's still part of that little shut out microcosm of a world that you exist in. I unfortunately will not be able to celebrate the day with her: i will spend the day in the air, waiting for my plane to land back in home sweet singapore on monday morning.

It's not a bad thing though, that i'm missing the opportunity to spend a special day with her. At least she knows (i think) that i do love her very much, and perhaps thats what all mothers ever really want from us.

Happy mother's day AhMua. I'll save the chinese proverbs for when i get back.

about conwest:

2006-05-07T21:50:00.000-04:00

Kinster Powers: cos conwest is like the itch in your asscrack: you can try scratching it, but you can't really get to the root of the problem... at least some part of you doesn't really want to.

Am i funny or what?

Long time one blogthing.

2006-05-03T16:54:00.000-04:00

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have high extroversion.
You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.
You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.
Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"

Conscientiousness:

You have medium conscientiousness.
You're generally good at balancing work and play.
When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done.
But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it.

Agreeableness:

You have high agreeableness.
You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.
Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.
You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.
You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.
Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.
Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.
In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.
You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.
A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

1 down, 3 to go

2006-05-03T16:34:00.000-04:00

So the divine powers that be have granted me decency for a final paper at last. Computing wasn't a breeze, but it was good. Finished it in an hour with 50 minutes to spare, so i checked answers for 30 min and took the last 20 min off.

Accounting tomorrow. Sometimes i wonder if its just a mental barrier that i have to overcome. Strangely though, it's the one subject that i thought most interesting (Besides ConWest), and yet it's the one subject i have most problems with, even more so than ConWest (which i managed to screw up early in the semester, only to see the light near the end of the tunnel). This kinda makes me wonder if accounting is really my thing, yet for the first time it makes me want to get to the bottom of this course, to master the material even if it's not my major. Somehow and in some way, i just know that accounting knowledge will prove to be useful. And i hate knowing that i can't do something even if i really tried. Well i guess i haven't put everything into accounting, but if it turns out bad i WILL be sorely disappointed and angsty.

Econ on friday doesn't seem to bother me. Not yet at least. Let tomorrow's problems bother me tomorrow. Today i need to master accounting.

13 hours to the opening

2006-05-02T23:01:00.000-04:00

yes

13:00 hours to mayhem
12:59 hours

i guess its good that i'm actually studying in advance. I remember giving up in frustration not too long ago, when i was bothered by zillions of tiny impulses. Scattered impulses. Deranged impulses, that somehow acted altogether in a coherent whole that just chanted "do everything else but study". I beat that bug into a pulp. I fight to save myself from regret. from conscience. from scrutiny. from judgement!

12:57 hours

Seems like the only thing i need to worry about now is my accounting. For some reason, computing and econ don't scare me half to death. Then again it's no surprise if i ace those two classes, and then again, i might just let slip if i'm not careful, just like in the last sem, the pain from which i still suffer.

12:54 hours

Why do i take so much time to write a few sentences? Does my brain really think that slow?

12:53 hours

Damn. i do think slow. Anyway, the prospect of returning home looms heavy in my mind. Not something i'm particularly looking forward to anyhow... I must have somehow transcended worldly desires not to want to go home. Friends and family, the comforts of home, my dog, food, hey what's there not to love about going home? Yet i'm not particularly excited. It's like you just know it's going to come and that's that. It's going to come. Like my exam tomorrow.

12:51 hours

What?? almost 10 minutes already? I haven't even said shit!

12:50 hours

Ok thats it. Revise now, you maggot! and dream of your circuits in java!

public static string sleep(string s)
....

Strange dream

2006-05-02T11:00:00.000-04:00

So last night i did get alot of sleep, and had strange dreams. I dreamt that i was walking in some foreign shopping mall that could have been Singapore. Then i met up with some friends, can't remember who. Then people started seeing me, and appearing. Esp my class ppl. Denise, Nikolaus, Ben Justin and Kenneth, KaiHong, yah... Then Justin poured water down Denise's shirt and said something like "wahhh" (quite a retarded dream indeed) and then i woke to the sound of an opening door. What's that supposed to mean?

Last Day

2006-05-01T18:13:00.000-04:00

And now that the last day is over and done
I'd like to loudly proclaim that i've won
But in truth the battle is far from over
The lack of sleep--an arrow in my shoulder

I pore thru that old pile
That old bile
I'm almost senile

Accounting
Econ
Computing
I'm gone
No ConWest
No i need rest

But a last day is good respite,
So i may rest and fight another fight.

Oh God spare me from making such lame, lousy attempts at poetry.

exams

2006-04-30T03:06:00.000-04:00

Yes, exams on the 3rd, 4th, 5th for this week. i like it that econs seems easy for me. computing too (even though the A for computing is 95 marks) cos i've been doing good on that. Accounting though... That one is iffy diffy. Sigh.

Temporarily quitting gaming again of course. Except u can't quite really quit. So instead of dota now, i play chess. At least im pursuing some of my aims here. i do actually want to get back into good chess. like have more intellectual pursuits. i kinda miss loving puzzle solving and stuff like that. its just been writing, some philo, some su-do-ku for me. back to chess! and dota strat occasionally: you can't run from it forever....

anyway. i haven't been spending much time in my dorm studying cos its not a place i can focus. always too much happening in there, so i've been studying more elsewhere.

in other news: i think columbia campus is beautiful. and i hate nyu cos all the money disappears and we dont even have a proper campus unlike columbia. but to be fair, nyu has the better location. BUT STILL! A CAMPUS! Grr..

I feel like i dont have NYU pride. Esp cos hardly anyone here does (imo). The thing is that, its not like RJ or RI or AC when u can be damn proud cos of school spirit and stuff. I guess i've been a proud person, much more than i'd be willing to admit. I'm proud of being Rafflesian, Gep, from ODAC, ACPS, (and also of my family and friends for who they are and what they've done but i digress) but not of NYU. And just perhaps its something that i cannot reconcile: that NYU isn't all that americans believe it to be. Sure, it may be a good school, but when the Faculty and Students hate the Administration, it says something. Probably also the only college with NO American Football team. Sigh, and sigh indeed. So much for school spirit, i'd have a better time watching NBA on tv (and mind you, i enjoy watching live RI/RJ rugby matches over EPL soccer).

ok back to studying. bish

Things to do in the summer

2006-04-26T14:18:00.000-04:00

I thought this up just before class started.

1. Get lean, fit
2. Swim or cycle or run everyday (guess it contributes to 1)
3. Get some sort of a job: internship or job understudy
4. Rethink amway
5. Brush up on Calculus (what for, i don't really know)
6. Read "The Purpose Driven Life"
7. Learn to focus: Do some self-studying
8. Accounting
9. Trading
10. Meet friends
11. Brush up on cantonese, talk to the grandparents
12. NOT DotA everyday

Well i guess there's tons more to do, and perhaps more dreams to pursue. I'd like to take short trips around, learn to surf, things like that. But then again, i'm trying to remain true to my list that i wrote just awhile ago.

In other news:

I've moved on faster than i think i have. I guess i've done alot of growing, and in many ways too. I guess what i do need to learn (time and again) is how to plan for your own future. Perhaps i've been reckless of late, jumping into commitments (like chess or SSA or NYSA) but i do think that there is something to be learned from it. I guess its always been things like these, my side commitments in school that have shaped me so much, and kept me going normal. I just gotta plan them well so that i don't waste too much time on them.

I've learnt to be very much more accepting than i used to be (at least i think so). Perhaps its a growing up thing. Like... After awhile u learn that some things aren't worth holding on to... Certain values, habits, anger and other negative emotions... cos they dont make your life any better. Guess ConWest has been one of those life changing courses. Granted, i haven't given that course my best shot, neither have i read nietzsche from cover to cover, but i've learnt enough to make a positive difference to my life. Its time all of us reassessed what makes us who we are: the values we stand by, the things we want, our purpose. Or at least try to rediscover why you believe what you believe in.

i think i've gone slightly off track. But i've really got some issues i gotta think about. perhaps, in the next entry. but till then, thanks for bearing with this 1 week hiatus.

2006-04-26T12:12:00.000-04:00

ok. this is like the first time besides peru that i didn't blog for a whole week. impossible. i'll write something later. just been tired and caught up with rubbish indeed.

Springs in my knees and blossoms in my soul

2006-04-18T19:10:00.000-04:00

Yes, yes, pardon the typically unconventional title that sounds a tad corny but really isnt. Pardon me again.

I had the most wonderful feeling today while walking to The Door to give my last tuition for the semester (due to impending exams, horror of horrors), and as i passed Washington Square Park (that's the "park" that constitutes the NYU campus), i saw the flowers and the blossoms and the birds and the squirrels and the green green grass and the superbright sun, and then i thought about the past 2 weeks of my life: Good results in academic terms, good times in social terms, good news from those i need to hear from, good life in total.

And then i started to cry.

Beautyworld! (Cha Cha Cha)

2006-04-16T23:01:00.000-04:00

Well it was some trip to Chicago this weekend. The shit was that i'd lent Heep the camera to take some pictures of his Bio thingies in class, and i forgot to get it back from him, so i didn't bring the camera to Chicago. Which means theres no fotos for this entry =(. Reached the airport at night.

Stayed at Helena's place, this friend i'd never met before, yet we knew each other pretty well.. Such is the power of DotA in connecting people. Slept on her couch for just one night, for the second night was the afterparty, and i had a 645am flight. Her roomie Stella makes good baked pasta. I was grateful for the two helpings i received, as i hadn't had dinner or a good lunch.

Went for dim sum brunch in Chicago at this place they call Yum Cha, with Helena, Annie (another of her housemates), Michael (Lai the RI gep), and Alex (remember RI PB twins Alex and Amos). Had to wait quite awhile, but it was nice having pei dan zhok (pork and century egg porridge), chee cheong fun (zhu chang fen in chinese) and fung zhao (chicken feet) amongst other dimsummy things.

Went back to Helena's place, got ready to go out and meet Kiats. Fell asleep while talking though, so woke late and met Kiats late downtown. Downtown Chicago is prettier than New York (even though i maintain times sq is the heart of cities...) Its cleaner, wider streets, prettier sidewalks, and flowers all around! How Springy and nice! We played chess by the road (i do have a foto here but i gotta wait for kiats to send me) which was just awesome. Then it was rush rush to Uchicago Campus for Beautyworld!

Met lots of Singaporeans there, it was rather amazing seeing a totally Singaporean crowd of hundreds and only a few angmohs instead. It was pretty nice having the tables turned. Turns out i knew alot of the people involved in the production.

Calvin Lin (props)
Kenneth Goh (sound)
Thong Kai (keyboard)
Jason Teo (Chorus/dancer)

and last but not least
Lippy Lee as Ah Hock!
Good la, Lip Jin. Salut!

So. The afterparty was pretty good for getting to know ppl, and a good unwinding session for all thats going on in NY... Tension building up to exams and all. Just 3+ weeks and i'll be home. How fast time flies.

So this post was belated.. but thats pretty much all i gotta say.. till the next post!

I love Estelle very much.

Report Strength

2006-04-12T17:58:00.000-04:00

Ok ok i know i haven't talked too much about studying here cos its boring for u guys to read and stuff... But i think its a necessary evil. Of my 4 subs this term, i have the least problem with Econ, then computing, then conwest, then accounting. Conwest is irritating cos i like reading Plato but not doing essays on it. I'd rather not read and not do, than read and do. So since i can't not do, sometimes it ends up i don't read and do. Which still works out somehow. Accounting is tricky. The last time i studied for it, i spent too much time on the textbook, and missed out on the big questions. This time i practiced alot, and missed out on the mcqs by 18 marks. Ouchness x 18. And it's still an average grade. Guess i got more of my mom's programming genes than my dad's accountant ones.

A friend told me some time ago: "Love is like a monster. Once you wake it up and feed it, its never gonna stop being hungry." Or something like that.

I think: love is what you make of it, simply because you cannot refute definitions of it that don't quite seem to encompass everything, yet you don't feel it describes it perfectly. Its kinda hard to define it when theres so many types of it, and oftentimes they work in harmony and become indistinguishable. Then how?

I gotta learn to love studying. I already love my homework.

creepy deadlines.

2006-04-11T00:15:00.000-04:00

Blossoms as promised (stolen from Qiuwei, thanks)

Sigh i hate discovering that i misread a deadline. Especially the night before its due, and it's already past 12. Good thing i checked though, but im kinda tired cos i stayed up last night. Midterm today was ok, but i gotta start prepping for finals. I just hate how i don't start early enough everytime to cater for my ineptitude to sit still at my desk.

Grr. So much for an accounting article review...

foto track

2006-04-10T15:35:00.000-04:00

I realised i haven't done fotos for awhile.

simple reunion dinner.

valentines outside chicago grill.

With Pius, Thomas and Changge at Imperial, the only place besides Macs we could find cheap food

Sitting there as we did for 3 days

Sun + beach + beer = shiok

my hair after straightening with a ceramic iron.

Watched rent with Morris Chim and Estelle

Thats quite all for now. no cherry blossom photos. imma poach some maybe.

Of stars and stuffed toys

2006-04-10T03:44:00.000-04:00

Its been a long time since i gave stuffed toys and stars such thought. The things that follow us through our childhood, like our bedside guardians as we battled through our fears of the dark and the monsters in our closets. As we grow, we outgrow such things that our childhoods are made of. Stuffed bears, cute kittens, stars that bore the brands "GOOD", "VERY GOOD", and "EXCELLENT" that made the centrepiece of every test paper, all contributed to this sense of security, that somehow it was a reciprocal relationship: Caring for your bedside pals as they watched you sleep and comforted you after waking from nightmares, and the stars that told you that you were worth so much, just as they were worth so much to you.

And just when u realise you think you've lost them, they sneak back into your life like musk from a scented candle, its sweet fragrance slowly permeating the room as a lit candle brings warmth, and a mystical sense of energy that fires bring that altogether reinvigorate the soul from the pangs of hunger that arrives with age and maturity; what it brings is more than the satisfaction that food delivers to an empty stomach, and more than the reassurance that the moon's still in the night sky: Just a fuzzy warm feeling, sweet and fragrant, like the bursting of a new blossom in the song of spring, evermore the new beginning that we always wanted from what we always had.

I found a little star MOGU.

concern

2006-04-07T23:41:00.000-04:00

im ok guys and gals.

The circle of life renews itself, and the buds of springtime blossoms sprout into a choral bloom of pink and white, a symphony of joy and love in lilac and cream, of everything that means something.

Yes. Spring is wonderous, with good weather and the shimmering shiny sunny sun that's started shooting shots of sweet sunlight.

Swell.

A Calling?

2006-04-04T11:36:00.000-04:00

Hmm. Last night i dreamt that i signed on cos i was done with school. I became a cdo recruit once again, suffering under SSG Steven Choo. Underlying stress from the Republic it seems, since according to Plato we should be specialising in order to benefit society. Perhaps fitness is the best i can do? Gosh i'd die running a 2.4 right now.

back to plato and his stupid republic. which is damn important by the way

Defective

2006-04-04T04:22:00.000-04:00

Yes i understand i'm born defective -- no one's perfect.
Yet i wish i could learn just a little faster
The secrets to life's lessons.
The answers to grandeur and the nectar of life.

I forget social conventions
Why should we bother?
must be this class on plato

Is there anything worth looking forward to
anything at all
when u cant hold your manners
when you trip and fall

Mind your P's and Q's

2006-04-03T20:15:00.000-04:00

The perpetual pursuit of perfection is pathetically painful for the pupil of past and present position. It is a perilous punishment put in perspective, provoking pained pleas for peaceful play, for passion to promote pleasure and performance over passive procedural persecution. Physical prowess of portrayed peoples prove the pervasive point of the purposeful pursuit of perfection that persists in any populated paradise.

Pwah. PengSan. Damn plucking stressful i tell you.

back on the road

2006-04-01T05:57:00.000-05:00

hurrah the accounting midterm wasnt as hard as expected! well or at least the ALEKS online assignment things helped alot. the day before (id procrastinated the weekend before again) the midterm i i was starting to panic at lunch time. i knew i couldnt afford to screw this midterm up too.

seems like studying at my own desk is one of the least conducive places to study. so i went to starbucks on morris' suggestion. realised i couldnt really just read textbook for acct studying. decided i needed solutions to textbook problems (in my computer) and immediate feedback. so i started on aleks

Voila! aleks is good for me! i hope to get an a-. its hard though, im not an acct genius.

well seems like im back on the road again.

i played soccer today upon invite by neil, but i was horrible (as i always am) and totally unfit. puked the last part of me lunch out discreetly, but u see how unfit i am.

enjoyed self. then played chess. unjoyed self too. made me remember how much of a chessnut me was.

ganvatte all//////////////////////////////////////////////////////

note that the / has been truncated due to website viewing problems. however, thats what happened when i fell asleep on the key

acct midterm 2 in 20 min

2006-03-30T09:09:00.000-05:00

wish me luck. i need it.

Some thoughts on adult living

2006-03-28T12:33:00.000-05:00

Its hard living as an adult.

1. You have to consider other people's egos (which always happen to be damn big) or you risk having poor interpersonal relations. And this could come at the expense of upholding moral values.

2. You have to suffer at the whims of people at the workplace, the majority of whom are probably very critical, backstabby, and probably cannot tolerate other people's differences.

3. You become obsessed with self-image because of the judgement of others, which could mean the difference between friend or foe, promotion or retrenchment. And u can't quite ask because it comes at the risk of revealing insecurity.

4. Too much that remains unspoken, and trust that is hard to forge. By the involuntary but necessary complication of matters of the self, adults create their own problems, that children won't experience. Bless the innocent and naive.

5. The necessity of constant self-evaulation: both of actions and of values, as the times change. Do the values we grow up with still apply, or should they change with time and space?

6. What do we want to impart to those who look up to us?

7. Asking yourself if you're content or if you're thirsty for more. And of course, eating the greener grass at what expense?

8. Time can seem to run out.

9. What's money worth to you? What's status in your eyes.

10. It takes longer to recover from setbacks. Young hearts mend fast, old hearts can't last?

V's opening speech

2006-03-27T00:48:00.000-05:00

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V.

See isn't this a good reason to watch V? (Even though it suffers from the hollywood req of a love story). Thanks Em, i'd be too lazy to find out the words myself.

Of happier thoughts

2006-03-26T15:33:00.000-05:00

It was sometime back i remember, when i was crossing the road, and there was a bus coming at me. I hadn't quite expected it to be there, but it was foolish to assume that buses don't belong on roads. As its headlights blared at me as it came rushing, I had a thought: Oh ****... And i walked on to safety.

Its not like that bus was close to running me over, nor was it rushing with a mission to eliminate me, but it did trigger afterthoughts. It made me think: So they say seconds before you die, your life flashes before your eyes.

Bollocks. I don't believe it for one instant. You're probably going to scream right before you get hit, carry on as you fly through the air if the wind isn't knocked out of you, and think "OMG it hurts like crap" just before you land on the ground with a sickening thud as your skull splits open on the road. And then maybe as ur spirit rises from your body, it thinks about the people that made a difference to him/her. But thats not quite life flashing before eyes before dying. Thats spirit reflecting after death.

So considering that if we were to perish in an accident, we wouldn't have the time to think about those we love and care for, nor remember happy times that you've been through, maybe we should take some time off every month. Like every second sunday of each month (once a month is acceptable for busy people), to think about our past and the people that mean something to us. Who knows, it might make us happier, wiser, and actually remind us to appreciate the people we take for granted everyday.